Apple Fires Mac Guy.

The Mac community was shaken today by an event of earth-shattering proportions, the news of which spread like wildfire.

An event bigger than the poor working conditions for Chinese workers making the iPod, bigger than the wireless hacking controversy, bigger than Apple’ stock options problem.

According to a report by Radar Online, Apple has decided to drop Justin Long, the actor who plays the Mac in the “I’m a Mac” ad campaign.

The news left the Macintosh community stunned.

It then left it in denial.

And then angry.

And finally itchy.

“Well, this is just great,” said TidBITS managing editor Jeff Carlson. “Now how am I supposed to anthropomorphize my Mac? Apple has left its entire user base in the lurch.”

Sighing heavily, Carlson said “Well… I guess I could just go back to thinking of it as Jennifer Connelly. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, if you know what I mean.”

As Carlson called up his own contingency plan, other users were uncertain where to turn for solace in this darkest of hours. Apple is reportedly considering asking Ellen Feiss to conduct some counseling session with Mac users.

“As the biggest Apple TV commercial personality, Ellen is uniquely qualified to soothe Mac users with her lost-in-the-fog voice and droopy eyes,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“Or, if she’s not available, we can just get one of those stoner chicks from the AV room at John Glenn High in Mt. Vernon Ohio. No one will notice the difference.”

41 thoughts on “Apple Fires Mac Guy.”

  1. Ellen Feiss? Okay, sign me up. I’m gonna need a lot of counseling because the Mac guy was so patronizing. He made me feel inadequate.

  2. Ok, i’ve figured it out: the MAC guy actually was the Intel-Mac guy. So if he’s gonna be replaced, they’re probably gonne switch to other chips. Get your Motorola stock today!

  3. Who the hell is Jennifer Connolly? I only know of Jennifer Frickin’ Connolly, thanyouverymuch.

  4. Rumsfield resigns. Apple sess opportunity. Fires Mac Guy. Negotiations with Donny (as his friends call him) are ongoing. He wants one of the Product (RED) Nanos. Can you blame a guy?

  5. I think Jennifer Frickin’ Connolly would be a most excellent Mac gal.

    Somebody start on online poll!

  6. I nominate Al Gore. ‘Cuz he’s tall and stuff. Plus he’s on the Apple Board, so he’d work for free.

    That’s a win/win.

  7. It leaves me feeling like I’ve developed a dry rash on my ass. Wait. No. That’s from using that off brand of laundry detergent. I have some lotion for that.

    There are some republican senators who could use a job. One of them could be a Mac.

  8. I have no idea who will play a mac, but I did figure out who would play a virus, if there ever was a need for one in a commercial. Hugo Weaving in Agent Smith costume. Oh man that would rule! And after the mac and pc introduce themselves, he would be like, “And I am… a virus.” in his slow, smarmy voice. Look, I’m not even trying to be witty. It’s just an awesome idea.

  9. I heard from someone Inside Apple high up that they were actually going to get a Dell OptiPlex to play the Mac in future ads. Go figure.

    If you must send me a counselor please don’t send Miss Feiss. Something about the eyes kind of weirds me out. I am still deeply in love with Janie Porche. Only she can get me through the transition to a future without Justin Long.

  10. Why is our leader Mr. Jobs never in any ad’s??? Maybe he’s just not cool enough to be a mac?

  11. Hey, speaking of Rummy, does the fact that the next Secretary of Defense is named ‘Gates’ cause fear and dread in anyone else? I mean it is a step up from ‘Rumsfeld’ but ‘Gates’?

    I just picture an entire infantry division advancing and just as they’re beginning to engage the enemy…they all freeze.

  12. Rumour has it that the Mac Guy was sacked to make room for Thor Sampson to take over the role. It’s an unsubstantiated rumour, so it has to be true.

    What a guy!

  13. Thor could pull it off.

    He would take PC Guy scuba diving where they’d ride manta rays. Afterward they’d be having cocktails on a cruise ship and PC Guy would find himself surrounded by computer gals for the first time in his life, actually talking with him. Before you know it he’d be wearing black and commuting on a motorcycle. And finally Thor would bring a hacker friend over and they’d install Leopard on him.

    Thor would then tell him that he had some business to attend to and Apple needed a new Mac Guy. Could he fill in for awhile?

    Mission accomplished.

  14. Dick Cheney would be perfect…..

    Mac: Hey PC! Look close. Is that a virus on my shotgun barrel?

    PC: Huh?

    Mac: BLAM!

  15. Hi Wow what a fantastic article about Carlson Marketing! Your keen insight into Carlson Marketing is informative and creative. I look forward to reading other articles you have. Thanks.

Comments are closed.