CARS Obtains Apple Product Document

Sources in a sushi restaurant near One Infinite Loop have forwarded this internal document left behind by Apple employees conducting a working lunch.

The document appears to begin with Apple’s recent and current offerings and then lays out the company’s future strategy for each major product line years to come. This is an astounding view into what’s to come from Apple.

Wireless evolution

  • AirPort
  • AirPort Extreme
  • AirPort Turbo
  • AirPort Mach 5
  • Ultimate Airport with black Nick Fury
  • AirPorsche, Es Ist Sehr Awesome!
  • AirPort Extended Play
  • AirPort Unlimited
  • AirPort Forever
  • AirPort and Robin
  • AirPort Rebranded 2.0
  • AirPort The Awakening
  • AirPort Vs. Freddie Kruger


  • Power Mac
  • PowerBook
  • Mac Pro
  • MacBook
  • MacBook Pro
  • MacPro Book Pro
  • ProBook MacMacMacitty ProBook
  • MacPro Professional Edition with Windows Vista Unlimited to the Extreme
  • MacBook Returns
  • MacBook and Robin
  • MacBook Pebble Beach Celebrity Pro-Am
  • MacBook Pro Bowling


  • Final Cut Pro
  • Final Cut Express
  • Final Meat Cutlets
  • Final Express – Director’s Cut
  • Mac Express Pro Cut, Finally
  • Final Cut Amateur
  • Final Cut Amateur Porn (Grainy VHS Edition)
  • Final Cut Begins
  • Final Cut and Robin
  • Final Calcutta – Bollywood Musical Pro
  • Final Fantasy Express Cut Pro XIV (Subtitled “Anime Dude Looks Like A Lady”)


  • iPod
  • iPod mini
  • iPod shuffle
  • iPod nano
  • iPod nano nano
  • iPod video
  • iPod video killed the radio star
  • iPod nano y nano
  • iPod electric shuffle
  • iPod and Robin

46 thoughts on “CARS Obtains Apple Product Document”

  1. I’m gonna hold out for the ProBook MacMacMacitty ProBook. The name says it means business, and the aspect ratio is sure to be bagel-compatible.

  2. Your list is incomplete.
    There’s no mention of Final Cut Porn HD.

    As a beta tester, I can tell you it ROCKS. The ‘glisten’ filter still needs a bit of work.

    The update to Soundtrack Porn is great too!
    All those cheesy 70’s riffs…. Mmmmmm….

  3. John,
    Stay away from Japanese eateries, Russian ex-spy got fed Poloniun 120, or something equally exotic and subsequently snuffed over here. Check that document for radiation.

  4. I want a ipod and Robin! due you think they’ll program it to have Robin say cool stuff like “Holy bad choice of music Batman!”

  5. Oh ! No !
    They have planned to stop the “Amateur” MacBook !
    What will I be allowed to use ?

  6. What happened to the iPod JLA edition? Or Final Cut Out Dolls? And let’s not forget Airport 77:the Remake with Kurt Russell playing a bitter Phil Schiller and Bruce Willis as Steve Jobs.

  7. Yay for comic refs (Ultimate Avengers)…

    But the real question here is if any of the aforementioned “‘x’ & Robin” products come with latex nipple cases. Because I’d be all over that.

  8. НЕТ-

  9. Breaking news: Dell is going to ship a PC with a hacked version of Mac OS 8.6. Hasta la Vista dudes

  10. iPod on the Dark Side, MacBook DarkSide, The Final Dark Cut, Air Port Medichlorian ‘The Dark Edition’.

    I’m feeling the Force now! }:o)

  11. Airport 77:the Remake with Kurt Russell playing a bitter Phil Schiller and Bruce Willis as Steve Jobs.

    …brilliant vitamin fortified! Very Hollywood-whatweretheythinking-casting, yet perfect. Kurt Russel is all over bitter, Bruce Willis has that whole kinda-crazy, kinda dangerous thing going on. Can’t you just picture him riding Kurt Russell like a pony, up and down the aisle of the crashing plane? (Or is that just me?) Can I buy tickets now, or do you suppose it’ll be straight to ipod video?

  12. I’m very dissapointed that the whole “of doom” series has been axed in favor of “and Robin”

    Cmon… you know it is just because Schiller is just dying to package everything in spandex. It’s going to be iPod sox all over again!

    Which would you buy? “Final Cut of Doom”, or the sissy “Final Cut and Robin”?

  13. The simplicity of this post is what made it so darned funny!!

    I hear Microsoft got wind of this and is working a new edition of the Zune. Zune Attack of The iPod Clone. Also, Zune Phantom Menace to the iPod. And the brown one is called Zune Revenge of the iPod. For some reason, this last one is the one with latex nipples. Go figure.

    Obviously, the Zune development department has been watching the prequels a bit too much.

  14. You forgot the All-Star iPod and Robin the Boy Wonder. Rev 1 comes out in December, Rev 2 comes out 4 years later due to Jon Ive being too overcommitted.

  15. Nxxx,
    It’s Polonium-210, which decays into Lead-206 by alpha emission. That means if the radiation doesn’t kill you, you may die of lead poisoning.

    Oh, and 28.

  16. Squished, for anyone in the know, “and Robin” conveys every bit of the foreboding and despair that “of doom” does. And, of course, it’s being in the know that leads a person to embrace the nihilistic world view that might favor “of doom.”

    “And Robin” has the additional benefit that the poor dumb schmucks who have not yet given themselves over to utter hopelessness might find it kind of cheery. They might actually pay money for “Final Cut and Robin.” Remember, it’s all about separating the marks from the moola.

  17. Your sources are holding out on you. There’s no mention of the new wireless product for the Japan market: AirMac vs. Gamera! (part of the greater AirMac vs. Kaiju series).

    Me, I’m waiting for AirMac Super Ultra Power Extreme vs. Jet Jaguar. Not strictly a kaiju, but supposedly it’ll be a limited collector’s edition, and well worth the wait.

  18. I can’t believe that no one has asked the important question yet!

    Moltz turn the dang piece of paper over and tell us about the “future” products that have not been released yet. Everyone is dying to hear the product path for the iPhone, iTv, and the Sexbot.

  19. I assume that MacPro Professional Edition with Windows Vista Unlimited to the Extreme will feature vandal-like mic rocking.

  20. Just bitter and twisted here.

    Wondering just what happened to the so called “Revolution”. As soon as Sgt Moltz returned to his post, all you guys got wimpy and backed down. Agent Bauer would never have allowed it, and would have just blown away anyone who got in his way (or at least made them sleep with that cool sleeper hold).

    The French were about to surrender as well!

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