iPhone Details Leaked.

Apple sources confirmed today in an off-the-record interview that the iPhone would support eighty frequency bands, up from the seven bands promised during the product’s introduction in January.

Worldwide GSM phones typically support four frequency bands, or ranges of spectrum, because of the differences in licenses for use of the airwaves in different countries and regulatory domains. An additional three or more bands are needed for data support.

Apple spokesperson Anuj Nayar, who confirmed before the interview that his name would not be used nor the contents of the interview disclosed, said, “We’re just here to blow that out of the water, just like everything that comes from Apple.”

Nayar explained that 20 of the additional bands would allow the iPhone to be used in micro-nations that had strange licensing requirements. “Rapa Nui, get ready for the iPhone!” he cried.

But, Nayar continued, an additional 25 bands would allow the iPhone to work “anywhere there’s a radio playing or the television on.” Just as in the countless science-fiction movies, the iPhone can take over any normal broadcast means for its own purposes.

Nayar confirmed that the iPhone “would not be evil in its normal operation”.

Additional band support include infra-infra-sonic, allowing the iPhone to use 4 herz (Hz) ground waves that can penetrate hundreds of miles underground to speak to mole people – “You know, mole people,” Nayar said – and the resonance frequency of krypton, oxygen, and several “of your favorite elements.”

The Beatles will be allotted a special super-band so that the iPhone can produce Beatles tunes by being placed near your old vinyl copies of the band’s albums.

“But don’t tell the RIAA!” Nayar laughed. “Ooh, boy, they don’t like you not paying for it twice! Ha-ha!

“Uhh… this conversation never happened, right?”

33 thoughts on “iPhone Details Leaked.”

  1. Alright, so it’s not close. I’m sorry! The pressure to try to be funny got to me. You know how that feels, right John?…


  2. Herz?



    Psst… hertz. As in Heinrich Rudolf Hertz.

    Sorry, John.

    In other news…

    My Pants would like to announce that they are prepared to protect me from the infamous Brown Noteâ„¢.

  3. But all I want to listen to on my iPhone (Apple, not t’other one) is London Airport secondary radar, maybe I should ask the Help Desk.

    Please pick my question, John. Bags it’s me. Go one, John, answer my question Friday (well Saturday here, actually).

    And as a second question, as you answer on Fridays but it’s Saturday here, does that mean that we Euros have fractured the space-time-continuum?

  4. Television and radio frequencies? How NOM is this! I pray, pray, pray they unlock this phone for I love Cingular like I love maggots in my beard.

  5. Maggots in beard. Sounds like a great name for a rock band. And they are also good for keeping open sores clean.

    Now will there be a frequency to communicate with the dead. Aside from an occasional radiation blast, mutant virus, or some random gypsy, they don’t get to reach out and talk to us.

    Well the ones in the tunnels do, but they are usually asking for directions to Santa Fe.

  6. I’m partial to communications at Hydrogen times Pi. I’m dying for a ride in that worm-hole thingy. I think there is a station in Vega, that’s not too far away.

  7. They’re using our own satellites. They’re using this signal to syncronize their efforts and in 5 hours the countdown will be over. Checkmate!

  8. Yes


    $and yes.


    Mr Jobs

    could you produce some friends I could call ?

    Female welcomed.

  9. Has anyone seen any of those “mole people” this Nayar guy is talking about. I’ve been through most of the tunnels, no mole people, no mole people turds, no mole people cities, no mole people anythings.

    I’ll take Canivorous Humaniod Underground Dwellers for two free movie passes, Alex7

  10. Again, it’s me. I’m not really a “mole people”, or would that be a “mole person”, but in the dark where I’ve been roaming these tunnels for god-doesn’t-even-know-how-long it can be hard to see.

    They probably mistook me for a mole people/person/whatever the day I stepped on Jimminy Cricket. Likely when I was looking at the soul of my shoe, wondering what that mess really was.

    But to bring us back to the story (HA!), I noticed this remark:

    Nayar confirmed that the iPhone “would not be evil in its normal operation”.

    Notice that this implies that the iPhone might be evil in abnormal operation. Like when you accidentally sit on it, I imagine it would become pretty evil if it found itself entirely inside your asshole. I know I would.

  11. Infra-infra-sonic reminds me of Sig Sig Sputnik and, unfortunately, Ice Ice Baby.

  12. People just don’t seem to grasp the reality of the iPhone. It’s to out of this world that it’s actually out of this galaxy. Yep, not even Star Trek has gone that far – speaking in the future perfect tense. And since a perfect understanding of the future is only possible by using the iPhone, then nobody knows what the future is.

    I’m just pulling your leg – wait, that’s…not….a…leg…

    Wow! (Not Vista)

  13. well first of all, if it can work in ultra low frequencies, that brings up several possibilities… could you have your ring-tone be the brown note. brings new meaning to the phrase “oh crap, somebody is calling!” furthermore – if the phone were capable reaching the resonant frequency of the earth’s vibration, could it stimulate an earthquake (as Tesla has predicted). Man talk about setting your phone to “Vibrate”

    OK.. now that I have worked those awful story based puns out of my system, I feel the need to comment on the comments.

    would sitting on the iPhone be enough to set it to evil? I think not. I think the iphone would love that kind of contact – but be wary…. if it starts to think you are sharing your cheeks with another portable communication device – then buddy – watch out. Imagine coming home drunk with your Cisco iPhone…. there is your apple iPhone looking at you all hurt…. “But baby” you say, “I only wanted to save some minutes” sure there is an heartfelt apology and the obligatory make up sex… but little did you know while you were dialing your cisco iPhone – your Apple iPhone was whoring it up – and now you have a PTD (Phone Transmitted Disease).

    I guess what I am saying is watch what personal commutation device you associate yourself with unless you want a beard full of maggots!!!

  14. ultra low frequencies?… out of this tiny-winie thingie???… you guys ever heard about another guy whos name is Mr Physics??? 🙂 Low frequency only if you shake the phone in your hand… haha

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