Alternate Universe Apple Subject To Different Kind Of Suits.

When thinking of Apple, followers of the company think of stunning hardware, ease of use, a mercurial CEO and many, many, many, many lawsuits.

But physicists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), have discovered an alternate universe where Apple is subject not to lawsuits, but pantsuits.

Dr. Ranjit Vij, chief of MIT’s Dimensional Research Program said “They’re all wearing them. Jobs, Schiller… uh… that other guy… with the weird Adam’s apple… Ricky? Scooter? Eh, I forget his name. But I’m telling you, it’s freaky.”

Vij said that the alternate universe Apple is exactly the same as this universe’s Apple, except for the pantsuits and the complete lack of any lawsuits.

“What’s really weird,” Vij said, “is that when they go home, the alternate universe Apple employees get out of their pantsuits and put on what they were in this universe. So, Steve puts on a black turtleneck and jeans, Schiller puts on a polo shirt and khakis, and… uh… and… well, that other guy puts on whatever he wears.”

Vij said that his program does not have the capability to view into the homes of Apple executives in this universe to provide a basis for comparison.

“But, c’mon. If that’s what they do in that universe, wouldn’t you think they do the opposite in this universe? You know… all go home and put pantsuits on?”

Vij speculated that if employees of this universe’s Apple are going home and putting on pantsuits, that they might be able to reverse the company’s fate as the target of lawsuits by reversing their wardrobe choices.

“Although, they may already know that and just think the public lawsuits are better than public pantsuits,” Vij said. “And who am I to argue with that?”

33 thoughts on “Alternate Universe Apple Subject To Different Kind Of Suits.”

  1. John,

    When are the pant suits going to be available in the CARS shop.

    After seeing these, Giorgio Armani sucks.

  2. John,

    When are the pant suits going to be available in the CARS shop.

    After seeing these, Giorgio Armani sucks.

  3. 10?

    I think sweater dresses are the new in thing.

    Just a question, does jobs wear “comfortable shoes” with his pants suits?

    No rants today about any annoying new technology. Although I think I did talk someone out of buying a rev 1 iPhone today. Something about the 15 nanosecond battery life kind of scared her off. Well that put the fact that very few people have ever used a touch screen they actually like.


  4. oh i spaced out again… watching irina and ninjas. watch out for those ninjas.. er.. ninji?

  5. OK, speaking of lawsuits, is anybody else seeing the Amazon ad on the right side for:

    “Crazy Rumors Brew Lip Balm, Apple Spice”

  6. Bravo Monsieur Moltz. After a week of dodgy and may I say obviously fabricated rumour writing you have risen to the top once again. As a reader who first started wearing hot pantsâ„¢ in the seventies and has never looked back, I know this pantsâ„¢uit rumour will turn out to be fact.

    I for one (and Huh! for two) will be lining up to buy iPantsâ„¢ the moment they’re released.

  7. A Thursday kind of rumor. Not my cup of tea.

    Friday is Help Desk day. Please let there be a Help Desk. If there isn’t, I’ll have to rend my pantsuit and gnash my teeth.

  8. Wow, Steve is working that suit, and I’m not even joking–it actually does look good. Scary.

  9. My oh my

    These pantssuits are the NEW turtleneck.

    But I would rather think of it in marine. Or Bordeaux.

    Bordeaux is the NEW black.

  10. Every time I see one of these, I have to laugh about what’s going on at Apple when they read them. I can just see Schiller pop his head into Jobs’ office: “Hey, Steve, you’ve got to have a look at today’s CARS” and then they laugh their heads off at them.

    Great jub.

  11. Ok where is the Goatee? Everyone knows your alternate reality counter part should have a goatee. Unless you have a goatee then your counterpart doesn’t. Of course that also means you are evil.

    So if Steve’s Alternate Reality Pantsuit wearing double doesn’t have a goatee does that make our Steve EVIL? That would explain the balsa wood iTV and why the the Evil Invisibly Boy’s Choir, the Evil goat, and Glaarku are so interested in Apple.

    If our Steve is EVIL than those who work against him must be good right? M$ good?

    I need some green beer STAT I need to drink these thoughts out of my mind.

  12. Just for the record, a plural of “ninja” would be “takusan ninja” (“many ninja”) or “[n] ninja” where n=the actual number present. For example, if there are two present, it would be “futari ninja.” It is not “ninjii,” or even “ninguses.”

    Oh, and I’m sick and tired of alternate-universe Bender lording it over the rest of us with his cowboy hat too.

  13. Well, it’s certainly not “ningi.”

    “A Ningi is a triangular rubber coin six thousand eight hundred miles along each side.”

    — Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

  14. Wow! Some hips and curves on the Jobs guy…. well… i… guess.. er she… eerr he is.

    who would’ve known…

  15. > “[n] ninja” where n=the actual number present

    They couldn’t be very good ninjas if you knew how many of them there were, could they? Aren’t these guys supposed to be, like, invisible – or, at least, appear to be invisible? If you can, umm, appear to be invisible.

    Unless, perhaps, they might send you a letter in advance. Something like “Dear sir, tonight, under the cover of darkness, your camp will be raided by a team of [four] ninja.”

  16. Agreed. This is a picture I didn’t want to have.

    I feel dirty. I’m gonna take a shower… for an hour or so…

    (“I know all there is to know about the crying game

    I’ve had my share of the crying game…”)

  17. It’s photoshopped, folks. Geez. Any idiot can tell that shit-ugly-green turtleneck is photoshopped in after the fact. I mean it’s a real turtleneck. His Steveness wouldn’t wear a butt-ugly color like that, even in a parallel universe.

    I’m depressed.

  18. Just let me be clear about something.

    So in either universe Apple could still have to deal with a suit of bats right? Just in that other universe it would be a pantsuit of bats instead of a lawsuit of bats?

    I’m confused now…

  19. Don’t fall for it. This is just a coded message from Steve’s secret Fourth Button Society. FBS members will interpret his stance to mean that Leopard’s unannounced features have something to do with underwear.

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