iPhone Possibly Delayed.

After last week’s disturbing news that Leopard was being delayed until October, the Apple community has become skittish. Rumors swept across the web today that, despite Apple’s assurances to the contrary, the iPhone was also being delayed.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has determined that these rumors may be true. According to sources close to CEO Steve Jobs, the reason for the confusion is that the iPhone is actually not yet a product in the physical sense.

“The iPhone,” said Jonathan Ive, “is currently a mental construct of Steve’s imagining that he – through sheer force of will – is attempting to manifest onto this plane of existence from his personal mental universe.”

At this point, Apple is simply uncertain at what rate Jobs’ will power will be able to make the iPhone completely physical.

According to Ive, “It could be tomorrow, it could be June or it could be next December. Steve’s concentrating as hard as he can.”

As bizarre as this sounds, it does explain why the iPhone has been as scarce as other imaginary devices like the perpetual motion machine and the all-meat high-definition television.

“We’d love to show it off more,” Ive said, “but it only tangentially intersects with our physical universe at certain times and only under the right conditions. In order to do the January keynote, we were beaming about 300 terawatts of photonic energy at the stage in order to weaken the laws of quantum mechanics and allow the iPhone to slip into reality.”

Asked if there were any health risks to attendees from sitting so close to such a high energy discharge, Ive suddenly became squirrelly and then pulled quickly away from the Arby’s drive-in window.

The company has asked that members of the Apple community visualize the iPhone in order to help Jobs bring it to reality.

35 thoughts on “iPhone Possibly Delayed.”

  1. Everything is behind schedule at Apple.

    Makes me wonder where they got the idea from, John?

  2. Someone explain to me why the “Super Roast Beef Sandwich” shown at the Arby’s website has “limited availability”? I mean, do they really keep that little lettuce and tomato in the kitchen? I think we should know.

  3. So if we all imagine one, it’ll be like Yung’s collective consciousness theory and poof whaddaya know an iPhone will materialize? Sounds like a load of new agey crap to me! I thought the iPhone was made by putting gypsy tears and thermite in the melting pot with a blessing from the Dali Lama.

  4. Reminds me of that Cake song, Mr. Mastadon Farm, or something along those lines. So just how obsessed must Steve be to not commit to vision? To not bring a fragile thought to true form in what will the most glorious phonic advancement of this quarter? Of this year? Of all time, forever and ever?

  5. Eleventh!

    Good morning to you, Nxxx. And also to you, Todd, Mr. Moltz, OMGHAX, Dreil, PoisedNoise, His Steveness, Bandar the Invisible, Todd, jacktheback, kingthedestroyer, Psyko, Del, Rip Ragged, Doc Wolfram. et al.


    So, tell me why Dali’s llama has only one l, while Magritte’s has two.


    Good night, John-Boy. Good night, everyone.

  6. If Steve actually manages to bring the iPhone into physical existence, we should keep them away from him as these kinds of ‘things’ tend to try to eliminate their creators.

    Don’t ask how I know this…

    Somebody else asked once.

    Once Johnny. Once.

  7. I believe the iPhone is delayed so that Apple can produce the most ass kicking bluetooth accessory ever. The Lesbian Ninja Sexbot portable battery backup iPhone bodyguard . Since everyone is of COURSE going to want one, there is going to be a high crime rate involved with the iPhone. Well theft will actually be the number 2 iPhone related crime, number 1 will be assault with a dead weapon, after people start throwing their iPhones in disgust because it ran out of it’s 15 minute talk time battery life, in the middle of the call that was set to make you a famous director (because you know, you are hip, because you have an iPhone).

    I’ll take “Which phone has the worst user input interface for $499, Alex”.


  8. Punk kids and their fancy-schmancy goldurn phones.

    I’ve been visualizing the iPhone since January, and my will is well-nigh as indomitable as Steve’s. However, because I am old, the iPhone I’m visualizing is one of those old black candlestick phones like Bogey used in “The Maltese Falcon.”

    The iPhone is gonna be something to see, let me tell you.

    Punk kids.

  9. “Asked if there were any health risks to attendees from sitting so close to such a high energy discharge, Ive suddenly became squirrelly and then pulled quickly away from the Arby’s drive-in window.”

    I KNEW it! Molts works at Arby’s on the side! I thought that was him giving me my order of Arby Melt with Curly Fries (burp)!

  10. I can’t believe no one called OMGHAX on misspelling Jung. I look to this crowd for intellectual enlightenment, not slack/jawed yokalisms. By the way, if steve would eat a ham sandwich he would have the energy to bring the new cash cow into existance.

  11. Crap! I start my rant then put it on hold to take the kids to school and someone beats me to my sppell check. Dang kids!

  12. Man, ergo, do you have your priorities all screwed up.

    Ergo Cogito Sosumi, or somethin’

  13. So if I read this correctly, I need to get those t-shirts changed to: “Apple promised me a new OS and I didn’t even get a stupid phone!” Worse, I’ll have to pay a rush fee to have them ready by WWDC. I’m way too slack for that.

    Oh well, whatever, nevermind…

  14. Doc and Ergo,

    You’re both wrong and OMGHAX is correct.

    He was referring to Jeremiah Yung’s Collective Consciousness Theory, a predecessor of Jung’s rip off.

    See Gilbert and Harding’s Early Psychiatry.

  15. Now, if I visualize really hard and help Steve bring the iPhone into existance, will I get some kind of discount or something. $499 is a good chunk of change. I believe in a days pay for a days (daze?) work.Ï

  16. king,

    I’m sure Apple will accomidate you with an iPhone discount. Hell, they’ll even give you a YEARS pay, not a day. So… That’ll be 498 please.

  17. “Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has determined that these rumors may true.”

    Really? You mean rumors can fix the wheels on my bike so they don’t wobble anymore?

  18. Residential Broadband Satellite Internet Service is a rip-off!


  19. You sissy-pants Apple fan boys won’t be laughing so loud once Microsoft…. um…. you know…. that operating system thingy. What was it?

  20. You know, I’m omnipotent, omniscient and eternal, and I’ve got one.

    What’s squirrelly anyway?

  21. I couldn’t understand some parts of this article iPhone Possibly Delayed., but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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