Former CFO Blames Jobs.

Former Apple CFO Fred Anderson, in a statement released after his settlement with the SEC, said that he was directed by CEO Steve Jobs to inappropriately backdate options to company executives.

In a statement issued by his lawyer, Anderson said:

Mr. Anderson informed Steve that there would be certain accounting implications to setting a strike date in the mid-18th century, but he wouldn’t listen to him. Instead he taunted Mr. Anderson, adopting a fake cockney accent and telling him “You’d bettah quit lollygagging and backdate those shares or ah’ll sell ya to Mr. Sowerberry the undertaker for naught but a quid right quick!”

Mr. Anderson frankly had no idea what the hell he was talking about but it didn’t sound very good so he went ahead and backdated the shares.

In addition, Mr. Anderson would like everyone to know that Jobs frequently forced him to pretend he was a pony and give him rides around his office.

He would have refused, but he liked getting a sugar cube and being groomed at the end.

As noted yesterday, however, the Apple board has indicated that it stands behind Jobs 100%. In its own statement the board said:

Steve is totally super-cool and we’re totally going to marry him and be Mrs. Steve Jobs some day.

And Fred… well, we never really liked Fred, actually. We were totally just pretending to so he wouldn’t feel bad. Because he was such a mega-loser.

We didn’t want to say anything at the time, but he smelled like feet a little and his mom always packed him pimento loaf with mayonnaise on Wonder Bread sandwiches for lunch which we thought was a little weird.

I mean, apart from the fact that the guy’s like 55 and his mom is still packing his lunch, yuck. Pimento loaf is just nasty.

Oh, jeez, and the juice boxes. Can’t forget the juice boxes.

What a dork.

A spokesperson for the SEC said they would take these statements under advisement.

43 thoughts on “Former CFO Blames Jobs.”

  1. I’ve had close friends in the securities business who have had more contact than anyone should have to with the SEC.

    Trust me, the SEC guys are scratching their collective heads, pushing up their glasses right at the taped spot and saying, “Mom packing me… err… him.. pimento loaf isn’t dorky. It’s just lunch. Are you saying cool people don’t eat lunch? That’s just dumb.”

  2. Worse?

    Pimento Loaf made of rats.

    That’s just gross.


    A gross of Pimento Loaf made of rats.


    Finishing off the last of the gross of Pimento Loaf made of rats.

    I’m gonna go barf now.

  3. Even Cockneys wouldn’t understand that John, where’s the rhyming slang and why no mention of Nancy? Oh, forgot she’s a lawyer and she’d sue your butt off. The best Help Desk ever.

  4. Nancy Heinen, Martha Stewart and Paris Hilton share a jail cell…best reality series ever?

  5. His mom packs his lunch? Geez.

    At least I help pack the animal crackers in the bag when my mom makes me lunch.


  6. Hey, he had to go with backdating he couldn’t quit. He had boat and a Bahamas vacation home paymenets coming up that week.

    The field of realitivistic accounting is a definite career growth area.

  7. Fred is probably mad because all the kids wanted to trade with Jobs for his lunch. And Steve always had cool stickers on his lunchbox

  8. I wonder if this (his poor attempt at incriminating Jobs) was part of the bargain that this mega-loser Fred made with the SEC.^

  9. A gross of Pimento Loaf made of rats on a stick!

    Bet you did’nt see that one coming, did you? You and your non-sticked foods…

  10. Only elite snobbish types use a skewer. You get more of a musky taste with a stick. Especially one you just grabbed from the creek out back.

    The green stuff burns off.

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