Month: July 2007

New iPhone Rumor Has Apple Web Abuzz.

The Apple rumor world kicked into overdrive again today as evidence of a tantalizing new iPhone in the works was revealed.

First reported by Engadget, a chain email featuring a humorous picture of a monkey using a telephone was forwarded to someone from an Apple email address, setting off a chain reaction of speculation of an upcoming iPhone specifically designed for monkeys.

Apple Insider then picked up the news and proclaimed “Clearly this means that Apple intends to deliver a monkey-enabled version of the iPhone.”

Think Secret had a different take. “Clearly this means that everyone who buys an iPhone Pro, which is coming out next week, will get a free monkey.”

And Mac OS Rumors said “Apple will introduce crank-powered monkeys at a special event on the Apple campus tomorrow. The phone is just a red herring.”

But not everyone was as sanguine about the iPhone/monkey rumors.

“This is ridiculous,” said the iPhoneless Merlin Mann. “Someone sent someone a picture of monkey. It doesn’t mean anything!

“Besides, who’s to say the current iPhone was not designed for monkeys?

“And I think you know what I mean by that.”

No Help Desk

Moltz and Howard are on the road. I don’t know where Masako is. Thor breezed in with some supermodels, picked up Ugluk and then they all piled into a limo and left.

It’s OK. I didn’t want to go anyway. Seriously. I’ve got some long neck PBRs in the fridge at my apartment. Champagne cocktail gives me a headache.

Anyway, I’m out of here.

Oh, I’m supposed to leave you with something to comment on.

Uh…

Oh. OK. Who would you rather do: Linda Carter as Wonder Woman circa 1977 or Julie Newmar as Catwoman circa 1965?

Both in costume, of course.

For the ladies, should any appear: Lloyd Bridges circa 1958 (Sea Hunt) or Parker Stevenson circa 1978?

Apple Releases Anti-Patches for Critics

Annoyed by various manufactured criticisms such as the myths that Apple does not give credit to security researchers and that the iPhone battery will die after 400 charges, Apple has announced a new program of anti-patches. According to the company, anti-patches will be delivered solely to the desktops of the jackasses, goobers and ass clowns who populate the anti-Apple web.

Apple’s senior vice president of software Bertrand Serlet said, “The anti-patches will make complainers’ systems function more and more poorly, causing them to be both less secure and more prone to crashing.”

“Many of these complainers go to great lengths to claim that they love their Macs. Yes, well, try to tell us you love them as your files disappear, mouse motion becomes erratic, and your IP and open ports are advertised on IRC channels. Jackasses!

“But the best part,” Serlet added, “is that thanks to Apple Software Update for Windows, we can deliver anti-updates to anyone who’s installed iTunes or QuickTime.”

Apple’s plan has drawn fire from critics.

“Listen, if I want to keep any bugs I find to myself, or perhaps sell them to former Soviet agents, that’s my business,” said David Maynor, widely known for not revealing what he did then didn’t claim were major flaws in Apple’s Wi-Fi drivers one year ago.

“And now Apple is going to make my kernel panic every five hours as revenge? Well, screw them!”

Maynor then attempted to post a blog entry from his MacBook Pro, which had powered down its fan an hour before, leading him to scald his palms.

“Ow! Son of a bitch!”

Serlet declined to comment on rumors that, in lieu of delivering anti-patches to John Dvorak, Apple was just going to stick some angry muskrats down his shorts.

Griffin Introduces iPhone Stylus.

In a press release issued today, Griffin Technology announced the imPress, the first stylus specifically designed for the Apple iPhone.

The announcement was significant enough to draw praise from Chet Pipkin, president and CEO of Belkin, a Griffin competitor.

“Because Multitouch requires the contact of a human finger, we thought it couldn’t be done,” said Pipkin. “But they pulled it off. My hat is off to them.”

Despite earning the admiration of its competitors, the Griffin press release about the imPress contains some disturbing details.

As Apple has indicated, the human finger is the only thing that can reliably drive the iPhone’s Multitiouch interface. For this reason, the imPress consists of a real human fingertip at the end of a sturdy black pen made of advanced composite materials.

Derek Stembridge, vice president of Griffin marketing, confirmed that the imPress used actual human digits.

“Please, just don’t ask me where we got them,” Stembridge said.

“Really. You don’t want to know. I mean, I don’t even want to know. But no matter how badly I scratch my scalp, I just… I can’t seem to get that memory out of my head! Ha-ha!”

Stembridge then began scratching at his head, which was already covered in thick scabs.

“I’ll get it out eventually!” he cackled.

Sources in the retail channel claim the fingers came from Mexican day laborers. But one source who has worked closely with Griffin in the past but declined to be identified told reporters that the fingertips came from young, aspiring country/western performers who were lured into Griffin’s Nashville showroom.

OK, it was Shawn King.

Apple To Offer New MagSafe Product.

In a surprise announcement today, Apple said that it is working to bring its signature ease of use and design aesthetic to a whole new line of consumer products using its MagSafe technology.

CEO Steve Jobs said today that, pending FDA approval, the company will begin shipping MagSafe condoms in time for the holiday prophylactic-buying season.

“Prophylactics are too difficult to use,” Jobs said. “First, they’re hard to open. And when you’re about to get physical with some lovely lady, you don’t want to have to spend all that time rolling one on.

“We call it the Apple Skin, because it feels like skin. And I’d love to show it to you now.”

Jobs then reached toward the waistband of his pants causing a collective gasp from the gathered members of the press. Their gasps turned to sighs of relief, however when Jobs merely pulled an ordinary banana from one pocket and a sheer, silvery black condom from the other.

“Because of the Apple Skin’s anti-bacterial, anti-static surface, it will never pick up germs or dirt, so it doesn’t need to be wrapped,” Jobs said.

Jobs then demonstrated how the Apple Skin is applied. Holding the banana in an erect fashion close to the Apple Skin, the condom literally jumped the distance and slid effortlessly onto the phallic fruit.

“And because it’s MagSafe,” Jobs said, “you’re safe. You’re ensured a snug, comfortable fit no matter how clumsy a lover you are.”

For reasons unknown, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell suddenly burst into applause before trailing off uncomfortably when no one joined in.

Several Apple sites are organizing a letter writing campaign to encourage the FDA to approve the Apple Skin as soon as possible. Lines have already begun to form outside Apple Stores across the country.