Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I was listening to the audio of Jobs’ presentation on Tuesday and I kept hearing him talk about how things were going to happen “otomatically”. I haven’t noticed this getting coverage anywhere else, but is he talking about some cool new Apple technology? What is this “otomatically”?

A: Oh, no, no, no. I believe this is just a simple misunderstanding having to do with the fact that Jobs pronounces that word oddly.

Q: Oh. Oh! So he was trying to say “automatically”?

A: No, no, no. The word he was trying to say was “Odomatically”?

Q: What’s “Odomatically” mean?

A: Odomatically means something happens like Odo from Deep Space 9.

Q: Huh?

A: It’s a new shape-shifting technology Apple’s been developing. It’s going to be in all Apple products soon.

Q: Hmm. I dunno. I still think he was saying “otomatically”.

A: But that’s stupid! You mean it would happen “of the ear”? Ha-ha! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! “Of the ear”! Ha-ha!

Q: How is that any stupider than your Odo idea?

A: Uh… well… because we’re the ones with the Apple web site and you’re just someone calling in.

Q: Well, fine! I’ll just go off and start my own Apple web site!

A: Ha-ha! Good luck with that! I think you’ll find all the good site names are taken, my friend!


Q: I read this whole thing about Sticker Guy and I was rather appalled at the way he was treated by the Mac community.

A: What?! C’mon, it was a stupid question. And if the guy can’t stand a little heat for it, he should get out of the kitchen that is the Internet.

Q: But it wasn’t unreasonable at all! Intel pays companies a lot of money to put those stickers on.

A: But the basic premise – putting tacky stickers on a Mac – is so out of place! It’s like you’re watching Leave it to Beaver and, though you’ve seen every episode and know them by heart, all of a sudden you hear June tell Ward she’s leaving him to get into competitive goatse.

Q: Uh… wow. I’m so stunned by that image I forgot what the hell we were arguing about.

A: Ha! Yeah. You like that? I thought of that earlier today and was laughing myself silly over it!


Q: I have a MacBook that I want to use to manage a large collection of images I’m going to scan in. I need to hook it up to an external monitor and I’m hoping to get a good recommendation for a flat-panel display that’s cheaper than what Apple offers, but all I can think of now is… “competitive goatse”? C’mon. There is no such thing. Is there?

A: Ooh, dude, you really don’t want to go asking questions you don’t want the answers to.

Q: Unnn…

A: Yeah, just don’t Google it. Don’t do it.

Q: I’m… not.

A: Yes, you are! You’re doing it right now, I can tell!


A: Ah. See? I told you not to Google it.

38 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. available Mac site names: (shellac – the next material for iMacs after aluminum)


  2. Number NINE!

    Well Mr. Moltz (or one of his evil proxies), I knew it was only a matter of time until you completely degenerated into making a Goatse post…

    I am so ashamed of you.

  3. Too soon, too soon this post!

    I have not yet drained my glass

    Nor seen the genius of the evening sky.

    The children laugh still in the street

    While lovers sigh are not yet heard through open summer windows

    The calm breath of summer wind . . .

    Wait a minute! June Cleaver into competitive goatse? It doesn’t make sense. Didn’t this woman once say “Ward, don’t you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?”

    I know I shouldn’t read this feckn’ website.

  4. Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
    Watch lights fade from every room.
    Bedsitter people look back and lament,
    Another day’s useless energy spent.
    Impassioned lovers wrestle as one,
    Lonely man cries for love and has none.
    New mother picks up and suckles her son,
    Senior citizens wish they were young.
    Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
    Removes the colours from our sight.
    Red is gray and yellow white,
    But we decide which is right.
    And why June Cleaver is into competitve goatse?

    (No, professor, we didn’t plagiarize at all. No sir. Crummy summer courses…)

  5. Well, that explains a lot. I really expected some coverage of the second round of PGA Championship, but no. You have to go and make fun of some guy’s diction. Just what kind of a professional sports site is this, anyway?

    I’m disgusted.

    Does competitive goatse have a governing body? Sanctioned tournaments? I hope they’re better organized than curling.

  6. So Mr. Moltz was manning the phones earlier (No, “manning” isn’t what you’re thinking it is, you nasty boy.); I wish I’d known because I wanted to ask him about his search for the Entity. Has he given up, the way GWB has given up on finding Bin Laden, or the way O.J. has given up on finding The Real Killer?

    Since the Entity is still listed on the staff page, I’m going to stop worrying about it.

  7. What’s all this twilight poetry stuff? It’s bloody dawn over here.

    Apart from that, the Best Help Desk ever, John.

  8. I’m back, and the first thing I see is an article talking about goatse…

    It’s almost like I never left.

  9. Dear Class,

    You wouldn’t think that maybe I haven’t heard of the Moody Blues? Don’t you think that I’m old enough to remember “Knights in White Satin”? Don’t the elbow patches on my tweed jacket give you any clue?

    In either case, you’ve plagiarized your final exam. You all get an F. Take the course again in the fall.


    The SLC Professor

  10. Well competitive goatse appears not to exist… yet. But now that the idea is in the blogoshphere….

  11. Rip,
    You spend your nights with Knights, if SLC wishes to spend his with white satin, WTF?

  12. You’re both idiots. The word was “Ottermatically”–Apple’s new application suites also work underwater and have webbed paws. Also, the collective noun for the new iMac is “romp”, despite its reported (by Gizmodo–who else) unhumpability.

  13. You’re both idiots. The word was “Ottermatically”–Apple’s new application suites also work underwater and have webbed paws. Also, the collective noun for the new iMac is “romp”, despite its reported (by Gizmodo–who else) unhumpability.

  14. Speaking of stickers, what do you say we put a sticker on the outside of the door of whatever room Rob Enderle is in that says “Enderle Inside?” Think of the great service to the public that would be!

  15. The bitter irony of Robert Keefe’s question concerning an “Intel Inside” sticker on iMacs is that there already is one on each and every iMac, only it’s written in black-coloured text and placed on the black background of the front face. As you watch the iMac ad, you’ll notice how, at first, you cannot see the Apple logo on the back until the light hits it at just the right angle, at which point it glistens brightly and then once again disappears. Furthermore, you can’t even see the iSight camera on the front face of the iMac, for the same reason you can’t see the “Intel Inside” sticker: it, too, is black, and is indistinguishable in the ad, even with the shifting lighting. So when you go to buy your iMac, be sure to look it over from every possible angle, until the light catches it just right, and you’ll see for yourself that, indeed, there is an “Intel Inside” sticker right there, in the lower left-hand corner, just to the right of the “Powered by ATI Graphics” banner.
    I noticed this, of course, because I used this very same device in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (Episode 7 of the radio programme). In fact, I would sue Apple for its unauthorized use were it not for the fact that there’s just so much damned bureaucracy involved in communicating to the mortal plane from the Afterlife. The process itself is actually quite simple and easy … its all the bloody paperwork you have to fill out and the countless fees… and you should see the length of the queue! In fact, this particular message comes to you rather “outside of normal channels,” if you will — don’t ask me to explain the details, or there will be, quite literally, Hell to pay.

  16. I’ve always spelled it ‘automagically’ which explains the truth of how Apple makes such great products and MS is well….. MS

  17. So I took one look at the feed headline, “Automatic Beaver Goatse,” and I knew it would be a long long time before I ever came here again.

    Maybe tomorrow.

  18. I’m trying to explain all this to my wife, who is a little naive about web things.

    Is it pronounced “GOAT-see,” “goat-SUH,” or “Oh BLOOD-EE HELL thats dis-GUST-ing. I VOM-it-ed GRAPE-froot joos owt my NOSE.”?

    It’s important that my diction is correct.

    Is there any more clam dip?

  19. At least when you buy a PC you know if you’re getting a genuine INTEL INSIDE or some cheap AMD ripoff, or…well, it could be hamsters on a wheel. I think that’s what Dell uses these days. I’m not sure about Gateway.


    I am really glad I wasn’t in a public place when I googled that. I actually think that I’m going to vomit…

  21. OMG, that just means that you’re normal.

    The burn will fade even if the image doesn’t.

    Personally, I don’t comment on any post that involves goatse.

    Oh. Damn.

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