Concerns Over Apple Event Tomorrow in London.

Reports indicate that Apple will hold a media event tomorrow at the Regent Street Apple Store in London. While such events are usually met with a flurry of speculation about what fabulous new products the company will announce, this one has many concerned.

Several sources Crazy Apple Rumors Site spoke with detailed how this particular event could go uncharacteristically wrong. For example, one source indicated that CEO Steve Jobs will conduct the entire announcement in a really lame cockney accent.

“I tried to talk him out of it,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “But he just kept saying ‘What’s all this, then, guvanah!’ I’m like, Steve, don’t you think they might find that insulting? And he’s like, ‘Can ye spare a quid for a tuppence for two pence?’ That doesn’t even make any sense!

“I swear, if he didn’t sign my paychecks…”

But Jobs’ lame accent isn’t the only concerning rumor about tomorrow’s event.

“I take no responsibility for this,” said Jonathan Ive. “And I really shouldn’t even be talking to you about it… but I’ll just give you one word: Yoko.

“And I’ve also heard there might be a little Ringo. And I mean ‘a little Ringo’. Somewhere Steve found a Ringo midget. I don’t know how he did it. Or, more importantly, why he did it but, well, that’s what I heard.”

As bad as that sounds, there are even more disturbing rumors.

General Counsel Donald Rosenberg said “My concern is that Steve’s going to announce that we’re releasing our own brand of spotted dick. And then he’ll sit down and do a demo by eating a big plate of spotted dick.

“I have no proof that that’s going to happen, but it’s kept me up the past few nights. I mean, I understand it’s delicious, but the name just makes me feel icky. I mean, what sort of horrible shit has to happen to someone’s junk for it get spotted? Yeesh.”

Apparently for unexplained reasons, tomorrow’s event will take place anywhere between five and eight hours before it would if it were held someplace normal.

18 thoughts on “Concerns Over Apple Event Tomorrow in London.”

  1. My dick was spotted once. On the back row of Jacks Pornotorium. But the judge threw it out on account his name was Richard and he could relate all too well.

    But on to my point… No it wasn’t pointing, the movie wasn’t that good… Steve is going to announce “iPhish and Chips”

    Third when I started this drivell!

  2. Speaking of little people (who are just like you or me except for the “little” part), some of the midgets and dwarves in my neighborhood have taken to wearing stilts. Not the circus type: rather the kind that painters use for painting ceilings. And they wear them with long trousers and skirts so that at first one might think they are big folk.

    Well, I find this very disconcerting. So I asked one of them why they were doing this, and she said it was because the world is built for big people and has become dangerous for little people and children, and this is just one way to reduce the frequency of accidents. She added that she also is left-handed, but hasn’t figured out a way to adapt to a world built for right-handed people. I didn’t know what to say, so I told her that I had two left feet. She wasn’t very sympathetic.

  3. Cor luvva duck, Squire, Steve in Lunnon, scoffin hay? Bleedin git, orta know it’s jellied eels an Sasparella. Still might con im for a monkey or a pony.

  4. Tomorrow the 19th is official Talk Like a Pirate Day.

    Could all postings, including the esteemed Mr. Moltz’s, be submitted in genuine Pirate Talk, please.

    John, I’m sure you will cope. Somehow.

  5. Pirate Talk, but no parroting.

    The GEICO gecko has dibs on the cockney accent. Of course, Jobs could go into the cockney rhyming thing (see, e.g., “Harry Rag” by The Kinks). Now that could be kind of cool.

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