iPhone Sales Stop. AT&T Exec On The Run.

According to sources at Apple and AT&T stores, all sales of the iPhone suddenly dried up this afternoon.

While sources could not state definitively why no one is buying iPhones all of a sudden, even as the holiday season gets into full swing, most speculated that the comments of AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson indicating that a faster phone would be coming “next year” probably didn’t help.

“Stephenson pretty much screwed the pooch on this one,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg. “I would be surprised if one of Steve Jobs’ elite lesbian ninja strike forces isn’t already on its way to ‘correct the mistake’, if you know what I mean.

“And by that I mean kill him. Possibly with piano wire. However, I understand that they are all well versed in the ancient Japanese art of Hashido, the method of killing someone with a chopstick. Usually they just jam one in the victim’s ear. Fast, efficient and deadly.”

This may explain why Stephenson was seen fleeing an area Apple Store having just purchased a pair of Bose noise-reducing headphones.

“And you can just bet those lesbian ninjas look so sexy doing it,” Mossberg added, his gaze wandering off to nowhere in particular.

“I’m sorry. What were we talking about? Oh. Stephenson. Yeah, he’s a dead man.”

According to sources who attended the meeting where Stephenson made his comments, not only did the AT&T executive indicate next year’s iPhone would be faster, he made several other claims about it.

  • Comes with a lifetime supply of chocolate pudding.
  • One word: lasers. And lots of them.
  • Allows phone calls to be carried over IP, Bonjour, EDGE, 3G, WiFi, Ethernet, Sneakernet, LocalTalk and an iPhone tied to a can with a piece of string.
  • Each iPhone 2.0 contains a shard of the Ark of the Covenant, protecting the owner from all evil.
  • Will also have copy/paste.

Stephenson was last seen driving through Santa Clara at a high rate of speed with several black helicopters with white Apple logos painted on the side in pursuit.

38 thoughts on “iPhone Sales Stop. AT&T Exec On The Run.”

  1. If you switch on the TV right now you can see the car and helicopters being shadowed by news helicopters… I never thought Broncos were so popular.

    Do lesbian ninjas leave enough DNA for there to be evidence to ignore.

  2. I’m more of a butterscotch man myself, or at least vanilla. And the pudding has to be wireless before I’ll pay real cash money for my iPhone.

  3. Did he mention if one would be available in blue? Black is okay, but a blue G3 phone would go with some of my other ensembles and break up the monotony. A white one would be nice, but they are so hard to keep pretty.

    Also, lasers are nice, but I need it to have a nose-hair trimmer.

    Surf’s up.

  4. I just want some friends to call.
    Not getting fat on chocolate with pieces of whatever arch inside (‘d prefer pecan…), ears burnt by laser beams while copying/pasting in the streets.

  5. WHAT???

    A technology manufacturer is considering replacing an existing product with a more powerful version?


    That’s it. I’m not buying ANYTHING until this ridiculous fad blows over.

  6. lasers?frickin’ lasers?

    c’mon, when will we see the greenpeace friendly version with ill tempered mutated sea bass?

    lasers are so 1992, mate…


  7. The “New” AT&T sure is behaving like the old AT&T. They never, ever understood what it takes to sell hardware in competitive markets. Randy wins this week’s “Doh! Nut” Award, sticky hands down.

  8. The law firm of Mssrs. Probate, Tort, and Dipwad are pleased to announce the creation of the 937th class action law suit to protect consumers in California who purchased an iPhone.

    According to lead attorney A. Dipwad, the basis of the suit is that Apple defrauded consumers (and investors) by knowingly partnering with an absolute idiot.

    Dipwad also stated that he though that the wireless pudding idea was a nice touch. He is already preparing an intellectual property infringement suit against Microsoft for when Zunes can squirt pudding.

  9. Will the pudding be delivered over IP?

    Do the black Apple helicopters cost more than the white Apple helicopters? Is there any performance difference between the two? More importantly, are they piloted by lesbian ninja sexbots? Cause, you know, that would be like cool.

  10. Walt’s comments are Mossbergian. Congratulations!!

    It took him 3 years to figure out how fast they were. Wait till he finds out you don’t need IT anymore.

  11. This is your funniest post ever, and sadly true, except I’ve never read Mossberg being so lucid – you may have misquoted him. Does he look like colonel sanders? Is he colonel sanders? I’ve never seen Walt Mossberg and colonel sanders in the same room together. They could be the same person.


  12. The most important question is: do the Apple logos on the sides of the helicopters glow like the ones on Apple laptops?

  13. Why do they need “several black helicopters with white Apple logos painted on the side”, how many lesbian ninjas does it take to kill an idiot?`

  14. Hey, remember those really early Apple black helicopters, with the white logo that was upside down? The lesbian ninja pilot could see the logo right-side-up, of course, but everyone else was, like, “what the !@#$% is that?”

    Those where the days.

    I also note that the iSight built into the current helicopters doesn’t really compare in image quality to the external FireWire versions used several years ago, despite how cool it is that they appear to glow right through the metal skin of the chopper…

  15. Does iPhone 2.0 come with a free pony??
    If so, I’ll definitely buy one!!

    Does anyone know whether it will feature an iPudding WiFi Store??

  16. Just a question, John: Do you ever feel that you do all this hard work, then post it on the Web so it can be read and enjoyed by millions — and then it all boils down to about 25 guys, most of whom are primarily concerned with being the first post?

    Next vacation: No guilt!

  17. This just in …

    The law firm of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe is filing a lawsuit against the law firm of Mssrs. Probate, Tort, and Dipwad for adding to the frivolous lawsuits in the great state of California.

    Dewey is quoted as saying “we just didn’t want to be left out of the litigation fun. Besides, everyone knows the Zune will only squirt vanilla pudding”, he added while making a stroking motion with his fist near his groin area. “Eeewwww.”

    When asked about the original article itself claiming that iPhone sales have stopped suddenly, he only said “Yeah, we’re talking about AT&T here. It’s the Death Star, you know. Pure unadulterated evil, good for nothing except violating people’s rights. They deserve whatever horrific things happen to them. Why Jobs sacked up with them is beyond me, maybe he just desired some good old fashioned S&M bondage or something.”

  18. “Each iPhone 2.0 contains a shard of the Ark of the Covenant, protecting the owner from all evil.”

    Great, more crippling. First no third party apps, now this. Seriously, Apple, I don’t need to be “protected” from evil.

  19. Yep. This one’s funny. I wonder if it’s truer than it’s supposed to be. If “retard” ever becomes a sanctioned Olympic event, Stephenson is a shoo-in for gold. Talk about pissing in El Jobso’s Meüsli.

    The news should be fun to watch for a few days.

  20. Actually, what was also hinted is, that the new iPhone will come in many flavours, specifically talking about the iShards of Protection. Versions will be:
    Ark of Covenant,
    Wall of Lament,
    Buddha Statue,
    Dharma Wheel and
    Little Pieces of Black Cloth taken directly from Jobsos Turtle Neck Shirt (that would be the Special Edition).

    Although no protest was heard so far from any religious faction, Greenpeace has already announced a boicot plan, as most of these elements radiate a massive amount of credulity particles, specifically the Turtle Neck Cloth, which, on top of everything, is said to never have been washed either, keeping the original sweat of the January 2007 Keynote.

    There’s been also rumours that Atheists all around the world don’t give a damn about all of that. Go figure.


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