Jobs Names Successor.

In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board, CEO Steve Jobs has settled a potentially divisive controversy by naming his successor.

While rumors had previously swirled around Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and most recently Jonathan Ive, sources indicate Jobs has gone outside the company.

“He felt that choosing someone inside the company could set off a civil war,” a source said. “Which sounds dramatic but really just means a lot of slap fights in the hallway. Although, no one wants that, either. It just looks so pathetic.”

Not only has Jobs gone outside the company, he has also gone outside the country. For the next Apple CEO will be Russian President Vladimir Putin.

According to published reports, Putin has set the stage for his move to Apple by picking his own successor, Dmitry Medvedev. In an ironic twist, Medvedev’s successor will actually be an iPod shuffle.

“This is an excellent choice,” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “Putin is a lot like Jobs. He’s highly secretive, ruthlessly unforgiving, and mercurial. And, while he isn’t known to wear black mock turtlenecks, he might even turn it up a notch.”

Jobs currently has no plans to step down, but Putin is reportedly already familiarizing himself with Apple’s products. He’s also rumored to be having Lenin’s body relocated to a strip mall in Minsk so a really bitching Apple Store can be constructed in the Red Square mausoleum.

“I am so going to that opening,” Snell said.

28 thoughts on “Jobs Names Successor.”

  1. And Putin could add real teeth to Apple’s attempts to stifle rumors by having journalists assassinated.

    It’s a good fit for the company.

  2. This is a blatant lie — we all know that Steve Jobs has cloned himself into a Lesbian Ninja Sexbot to reign supreme after the cyber apocalypse.

  3. Is a “previous swirled” rumor similar to a “reverse swirled” or is it something fancier still? Like maybe one of those chocolate/vanilla swirled soft serve deals?

  4. If this is true (“In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board,”) we now are all honorary members of the Apple board! Woo-hoo! Ka-ching!

    I move that we adjourn for some wireless pudding.

  5. Эй, спасибо Стивен! Путин- это богатый человек. Не связывайся с ним- он крутой!

  6. Well, that puts “From Russia, with love” a whole new perspective. Beware, Bond, SPECTRE will now have their own Gadget Factory… and even more stylish then Aston Martin.

  7. I’m somewhat concerned that John Moltz is paying attention to international politics.

    What have you been doing, John, reading the NEWSPAPER?

    What’s next, the Wall Street Journal?

  8. just think of the new macbooks with mini reactors for batteries. don’t think of battery life think half-life. 😉

  9. There are clues we’ve all been missing. Fake Steve Jobs is the natural successor, but not it all fits together.

    FSJ now claims his identity is one “Daniel Lyons” – not his real name, clearly. It’s an anagram for “Onan-ed silly”, which is the real clue because Putin is a “jerk-off” according to internal State Department memos.

    Ergo, Putin is FSJ, and therefore FSJ really is the successsor to RSJ.

  10. Bah, FSJ has an ego the size of his prostate, so he’s not going to make it even to see The AppleTablet… MacTablet… iTablet… whatever…


    PD: ‘sides, no one’s going to survive the CyberApocalypse, so it’s not really relevant anyway.

  11. James Bond? Pshh, James Bond _is_ Putin.

    Seriously, have you ever seen Daniel Craig and Putin in the same room together? Because when you put them side by side, they look very much alike.

    (Also, James Bond is too busy thwarting Richard Branson’s Moonraker remake. Hence, Putin had to name his successor, FSJ had to curb his posts, and Daniel Lyons played patsy.)

    Speaking of alter egos, it doesn’t surprise me that Moltz was reading a newspaper. He probably spent a day or two deciding which of his popular blogs he should post this story on, CARS or Daring Fireball…

  12. Jobs only wishes he had access to supplies of Polonium 210 sufficient to take out everyone on his enemies list (which really means: rumor site operators–watch out John).

    For some things, it really pays to have the resources of an evil empire at ones disposal…

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