Apple Reveals Post-Tablet Product Plans

At a press conference today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs – in a stunning breach of precedent – revealed the product line Apple will be working on after the tablet. Never before has Jobs been so forthcoming with his plans and reporters were caught flat-footed, rushing to make the event after being notified just yesterday.

“It’s no secret we’re announcing a tablet on the 27th,” said Jobs. “And it’s going to be really special, so you’ll want to stay tuned for that. But I’m here to talk about what comes after the tablet.”

Jobs went on to reveal that Apple will be taking on an entirely new product set and blazing a trail in an industry that doesn’t even exist yet: the market for attractive human genitals.

“Look at your genitals!” Jobs said to the gathered reporters. “They’re a mess! All hairy and wrinkly with flaps of variously-shaded skin all over and stuff. Ew. I don’t know who designed them but…

“No, don’t look at them now!” Jobs said suddenly. “Look at them later!

“Jesus, Walt.”

Jobs believes this market – like those of the digital music player and the cell phone before it – is full of sub-standard products and ripe for the kind of shake-up Apple specializes in.

“I’m not talking about genitals that are larger,” Jobs said. “Although, yes, in some instances they will be larger than what you’re currently used to. David.

“No, I’m talking about genitals that are simply better designed and more aesthetically pleasing.”

According to Jobs, male members will be constructed from a new synthetic human tissue that collapses into a more attractive shape when not in use. The scrotum will be a replaceable peripheral in easily identifiable ‘fully loaded’ and ‘firing blanks’ versions. Women’s parts, meanwhile, will be almost invisible from the outside, not have those monthly “maintenance” issues and include a revolutionary new security mechanism.

Jobs indicated that he was taking the unusual step of announcing Apple’s entry into the genitals market because he felt certain the no one would be able to ramp up fast enough to catch the company.

“I’ve seen some of the designs Jonny [Ive] has been working on,” Jobs said. “He’s been doodling them in a notebook for years and I finally said ‘What is that? It looks like a woman’s hoo-ha. But without all the messy bits.'”

Ive smiled nervously in the front row.

“Clearly, Jonny had spent a lot of time thinking about this,” Jobs said. “I mean a lot of time.”

Apple’s male genitals are expected to gently enter the market some time this summer around 7:00 PM, with the female genitals coming about fifteen minutes later. And then again fifteen minutes after that.

35 thoughts on “Apple Reveals Post-Tablet Product Plans”

  1. O. M. G.
    I… I almost have no words for this.
    The mental picture alone was… disturbing.
    Hilarious, yet deeply, deeply disturbing.

    The questions that are brought up… Will there be a ‘Pro’ version? What will the difference be? How are ‘firmware’ updates be ‘installed’?
    Ew. Just…. ew.

    The one thing I’m most concerned about, is will my Pantsâ„¢ be compatible with iGenitals 1.0?

  2. Sorry, stop the hilarity, missing double quote:

    “Although, yes, in some instances they will be larger than what you’re currently used to. David.

    Totally ruined the whole thing for me. Felt…let down. Had trouble bringing it up, though. But I took a little blue pill and voila!

  3. Do you have to plug them in to recharge or upgrade? And plug them into what?

    Is the number of downloads from each device limited?

    Do they have to be authorized to work with each other? Or can you just go about your business (as it were)?

    Last, and most important, is this the first substantive step towards the Apple Sexbot?

  4. Sorry, stop the hilarity, missing double quote:

    Dude, that’s newspaper convention. When the same person is quoted on the next line, you don’t close the quote, although you do open it. It’s weird, but it’s not incorrect.

  5. I was just using it to make a joke… but that was educational. I never see the Chicago Tribune use it, so they must be as backward as myself. I did suspect, but I thought I could twist it…

    My bad.

  6. Ace . . . knock once for ‘yes I want some of them thar newfangled iNads’ and twice for ‘no thanks, there’s no shagging in the afterlife, alas.’

  7. @t,

    I take it you’re still working with one of the earlier development models that has developed a few “bugs” (so to speak), since you’re still getting “前列腺炎” (Prostatitis) events.

    Either that or your Foundation Library still includes the NSGland object with a Prostatitis(chronic, noSalve) method. (Hee hee hee, snork, snork!)

    You might try resetting your PeeRAM by mounting your iNad to its laptop mating tool (use the strap-on attachment) then rebooting while firmly holding down the “G” button.

    If that doesn’t do it for you, then call me.

  8. Zo,

    Perhaps you need to un-kink yours a tad?

    Or maybe tie them off at the *front* of your belt?

  9. So the iPad launched. Have you seen the video? What happened to Schiller’s face?! Was he attacked by bees?! Has he been kissing frogs trying to land a new job with Disney? Does he have melanoma?


    Why, Phil, why?!?

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