Author: John Moltz

Soldiering On.

Well, I’ve managed to pull together a budget that – with a little luck, some change we found in the couch and performing a few sexual acts we might not be proud of (well, OK, pride’s not really going to factor into it) – I calculate will keep us solvent through…

…uh, about 2:15 PM PST tomorrow afternoon.

Jeez, I just never realized we operated on such an efficient implementation of the Japanese just-in-time model.

I also never realized that the Japanese were talking about inventory and not cash. Suddenly makes a lot more sense.

All those Cs in business school also make a lot more sense.

It’s a little annoying to see other blogs get book deals and sweet gigs at places we probably wouldn’t be allowed to use the bathroom while we have to scrape (literally – we did a lot of scraping this afternoon) to get by.

But maybe it’s partly my fault for taking the high road with those Darling Furball t-shirts and deciding not to make a profit off them.

We sold 18,000 of those suckers.

Exactly. And what’s even weirder is that 17,000 were extra large while the rest were double extra large.

Well, maybe that’s not so weird.

But I’ll tell you what is weird. Rattling around in this office without the… well… thing… that put it all together in the first place.

And I see that OS X 10.4.10 was released today.

[sniff]

The Entity would have wanted to be here to see that.

He loved palindromes.

Well, anyway, we’ve just decided to keep writing until we max out Chet’s parents’ credit card.

Why a 35-year-old has his parents’ credit card is beyond me but at this point I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I am taking the gift horse back, though. I mean, that’s just an extravagance we can’t afford right now.

In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.

I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.

He was 43.

That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.

Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.

And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.

“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”

Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.

He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.

And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.

And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.

And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.

Oh, and he could read floppy disks.

And…

Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.

‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.

Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.

It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.

More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.

Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.

I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.

Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.

Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.

Well… see you next Wednesday.

I think.

WWDC! Today! Live coverage! All nude girls!

We’re here, we’re queer (well, one of us, anyway) and we’re ready to be wowed!

Energize reality distortion field! Ou deflectors to maximum!

Engage!

————-

9:57 AM – Something weird is going on. And I don’t mean David Pogue running around in that Peter Pan outfit throwing rose petals. We’ve come to expect that.

Every. Damn. Conference.

No, it’s the Entity. He keeps flickering. On and off. I’m a little worried about him. I feel like I should get him to a doctor. But where the hell am I going to find a good particle physicist two minutes before the keynote?

10:02 AM – Lights dim! A new Mac ad! John Hodgman as Steve. “Vista’s been selling dozen of copies.” Really? Was it that many?

10:04 AM – A Schiller joke. I hate it when Apple works my side of the street. And now… Steve!

OH, MY GOD, HE’S 9 FEET TALL! How did they do that?!

Oh, I’m sorry, I’m looking at the screen.

10:10 AM – An award for Intel. And Electronic Arts is coming back to the Mac! Yeah! CCO says “Just dual boot into Windows!”

The crowd is rushing the stage! They’re ripping him to pieces! Oh, the humanity!

10:15 AM – John Carmack from Id takes the stage which is covered with blood and entrails. He’s kind of used to that, though.

They’re not bringing any games to the Mac, he just wanted to say “Hi”.

Huh.

10:20 AM – Leopard features! Top secret! Eyes only! New desktop! Translucent menus! 3D dock! Stacks!

Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

10:21 AM – “And what I’d love to do is show it to you.”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that on the street in San Francisco.

Know what I mean?

Think you do.

10:24 AM – “Boom.” We have first “Boom”! Who had 10:24 in the pool?

10:25 AM – New Finder! New Finder! New Finder! NEW FINDER! NEW! FUCKING! FINDER!

10:27 AM – You can browse files using Coverflow. “And with file preview, we just made looking at your porn that much easier,” says Steve.

10:32 AM – You can browse your home folder via .Mac.

We’re circling a petition for Apple to hold Leopard until January under the idea that if it’s this cool because they held it for October, just think how amazing it’ll be by January!

10:33 AM – Uh, maybe that’s not such a great idea. Didn’t really think that through.

10:35 AM – Uh…

Now the Entity is showering sparks from his hood.

He’s done that before, but with the flickering thing… I dunno.

10:37 AM – Leopard is 64 bit from top to bottom.

“Except for some 16 bit parts we just can’t get rid of for sentimental reasons.”

Huh?

10:41 AM – Feature number the fifth – Core Animation.

We are half way through the new features he’ll show. And if I didn’t mention this, he’s removing an article of clothing for each feature.

10:44 AM – INTERMISSION

Yep. Half way through the features so… time to head out to the lobby for a drink and a smoke. Go to the bathroom. Maybe get some Dots.

10:46 AM – OK, we’re back! Boot Camp! Built in to Leopard.

So, if you’re filled with self-loathing, Apple’s got you covered.

10:48 AM – Spaces! (All new features must be followed by an exclamation mark as required by law.)

A new widget for movie times! OH, MY GOD!

Oh.

Sorry, I’m just a little excited.

Uh, is there any reason to open Sherlock anymore? Remember when that was the app of the future? Apple’s web strategy? Yeah, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Holmes.

10:53 AM – WebClip!

Steve makes widgets out of Dilbert and National Geographic.

But YOU know what it can be used for.

Wink-wink.

Heh-heh.

Oooooh, yeah.

Bawm-chicka-wacka-wacka.

10:56 AM – iChat!

C’mon, Phil!

10:57 AM – Heh-heh.

Awwwww, yeah.

Phil.

11:00 AM – Phil’s showing backgrounds for iChat. Funny stuff.

But, uh, Phil, next time I’d like to see you in something a little dressier. Something with a collar. Nnkay?

This isn’t hockey practice, Phil.

11:04 AM – Time Machine!

Steve is now chastising everyone for not backing up as often as they should.

Now he’s chastising everyone for not flossing enough.

We’re also not eating enough bran.

Call your mother.

Etc.

11:06 AM – And that’s all 10!

Thanks for coming, everyone! Have a great afternoon!

11:09 AM – Oh, wait, he’s not done.

He just caused the entire audience to crap themselves by pretending they were rollout out a basic and premium version. Kudos to you, mercurial one!

11:10 AM – Safari. On Windows.

But Steve, we don’t use Windows. Jeez. Isn’t that obvious? I mean… it’s not me, right? It’s him.

11:15 AM – “But I do have one other thing…”

Drama queen.

11:17 AM – The Entity is now rebroadcasting some Mexican radio station.

Ooh, boy.

11:19 AM – “You can develop web apps for the iPhone!”

Thanks! No fricking duh!

Literally everyone in the audience is moving their fist up and down over their lap. Even the women.

11:22 AM – OK, at some point there has to be a hardware announcement, right?

C’mon! Johnny needs a new iMac!

11:24 AM – Hey, did little Scotty Forstall just say “Boom”?

You can’t say “Boom”! Only Steve can say “Boom”!

Steve, that bitch thinks he can use your toothbrush!

11:26 AM – Aaaaaand…

That’s it.

Hrm.

Oh, crap, I’d better get the Entity to JPL or something.

New Shirts!

Many members of the Apple community have complained about the outrageous prices at some sites that sell t-shirts in order to support their crack habits.

Or maybe it’s heroin. Or smack. Or…

Wait, is smack the same thing as heroin?

Well, whatever dangerous addiction these hippie punks are all hopped up on (Goofballs? Maybe it’s goofballs) there’s no reason the more upstanding members of the Apple community should have to support it.

That’s why Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to announce new shirts that are reasonably priced at $19 (the Cafe Press minimum – we are not making a dime off of them) and don’t carry the taint of enabling someone who’d probably only blow it on something that is to their own personal moral detriment.

This is a Crazy Apple Rumors Site original design, not some cheap knock-off, so I don’t want to hear a lot of bitching and moaning about copyright.

Well, OK, they’re cheap. Of course they’re cheap. I mean, Cafe Press just does those iron-on jobbies…

But they’re totally original.

Totally.

Here, take a look:

Now where ya gonna find another shirt even remotely like that, beeotch? Nowhere, that’s where. It’s hip, it’s happenin’, it’s fresh, it’s keepin’ it real and it’s what the kiddies want.

At least the ones not all hopped up on goofballs.

This shirt is a limited edition run – in as much as there is a limited supply of cotton on the Earth – so act now.

Click here to buy!

And… you know… there will probably be some legal action. Possibly before dawn.

So click now!

…

Well?

Go on.

LATE-BREAKING UPDATE: This site – which I had never hear of before – seems to have appropriated our shirt concept for its entire design and now has the hubris to threaten us! Well, good luck with that! Everyone knows lesbian ninja sexbots beat bat-wielding thugs in the Russian mafia. Everyone.