We’re here, we’re queer (well, one of us, anyway) and we’re ready to be wowed!
Energize reality distortion field! Ou deflectors to maximum!
9:57 AM – Something weird is going on. And I don’t mean David Pogue running around in that Peter Pan outfit throwing rose petals. We’ve come to expect that.
Every. Damn. Conference.
No, it’s the Entity. He keeps flickering. On and off. I’m a little worried about him. I feel like I should get him to a doctor. But where the hell am I going to find a good particle physicist two minutes before the keynote?
10:02 AM – Lights dim! A new Mac ad! John Hodgman as Steve. “Vista’s been selling dozen of copies.” Really? Was it that many?
10:04 AM – A Schiller joke. I hate it when Apple works my side of the street. And now… Steve!
OH, MY GOD, HE’S 9 FEET TALL! How did they do that?!
Oh, I’m sorry, I’m looking at the screen.
10:10 AM – An award for Intel. And Electronic Arts is coming back to the Mac! Yeah! CCO says “Just dual boot into Windows!”
The crowd is rushing the stage! They’re ripping him to pieces! Oh, the humanity!
10:15 AM – John Carmack from Id takes the stage which is covered with blood and entrails. He’s kind of used to that, though.
They’re not bringing any games to the Mac, he just wanted to say “Hi”.
10:20 AM – Leopard features! Top secret! Eyes only! New desktop! Translucent menus! 3D dock! Stacks!
Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!
10:21 AM – “And what I’d love to do is show it to you.”
Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that on the street in San Francisco.
Know what I mean?
Think you do.
10:24 AM – “Boom.” We have first “Boom”! Who had 10:24 in the pool?
10:25 AM – New Finder! New Finder! New Finder! NEW FINDER! NEW! FUCKING! FINDER!
10:27 AM – You can browse files using Coverflow. “And with file preview, we just made looking at your porn that much easier,” says Steve.
10:32 AM – You can browse your home folder via .Mac.
We’re circling a petition for Apple to hold Leopard until January under the idea that if it’s this cool because they held it for October, just think how amazing it’ll be by January!
10:33 AM – Uh, maybe that’s not such a great idea. Didn’t really think that through.
10:35 AM – Uh…
Now the Entity is showering sparks from his hood.
He’s done that before, but with the flickering thing… I dunno.
10:37 AM – Leopard is 64 bit from top to bottom.
“Except for some 16 bit parts we just can’t get rid of for sentimental reasons.”
10:41 AM – Feature number the fifth – Core Animation.
We are half way through the new features he’ll show. And if I didn’t mention this, he’s removing an article of clothing for each feature.
10:44 AM – INTERMISSION
Yep. Half way through the features so… time to head out to the lobby for a drink and a smoke. Go to the bathroom. Maybe get some Dots.
10:46 AM – OK, we’re back! Boot Camp! Built in to Leopard.
So, if you’re filled with self-loathing, Apple’s got you covered.
10:48 AM – Spaces! (All new features must be followed by an exclamation mark as required by law.)
A new widget for movie times! OH, MY GOD!
Sorry, I’m just a little excited.
Uh, is there any reason to open Sherlock anymore? Remember when that was the app of the future? Apple’s web strategy? Yeah, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Holmes.
10:53 AM – WebClip!
Steve makes widgets out of Dilbert and National Geographic.
But YOU know what it can be used for.
10:56 AM – iChat!
10:57 AM – Heh-heh.
11:00 AM – Phil’s showing backgrounds for iChat. Funny stuff.
But, uh, Phil, next time I’d like to see you in something a little dressier. Something with a collar. Nnkay?
This isn’t hockey practice, Phil.
11:04 AM – Time Machine!
Steve is now chastising everyone for not backing up as often as they should.
Now he’s chastising everyone for not flossing enough.
We’re also not eating enough bran.
Call your mother.
11:06 AM – And that’s all 10!
Thanks for coming, everyone! Have a great afternoon!
11:09 AM – Oh, wait, he’s not done.
He just caused the entire audience to crap themselves by pretending they were rollout out a basic and premium version. Kudos to you, mercurial one!
11:10 AM – Safari. On Windows.
But Steve, we don’t use Windows. Jeez. Isn’t that obvious? I mean… it’s not me, right? It’s him.
11:15 AM – “But I do have one other thing…”
11:17 AM – The Entity is now rebroadcasting some Mexican radio station.
11:19 AM – “You can develop web apps for the iPhone!”
Thanks! No fricking duh!
Literally everyone in the audience is moving their fist up and down over their lap. Even the women.
11:22 AM – OK, at some point there has to be a hardware announcement, right?
C’mon! Johnny needs a new iMac!
11:24 AM – Hey, did little Scotty Forstall just say “Boom”?
You can’t say “Boom”! Only Steve can say “Boom”!
Steve, that bitch thinks he can use your toothbrush!
11:26 AM – Aaaaaand…
Oh, crap, I’d better get the Entity to JPL or something.