As the remainder of the presentations for the week appear to be by people whose names do not rhyme with “sleeve snobs”, we have scurried back to the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters to detox and get some rest.
You know it was a big couple of days when you can truthfully utter the words “I saw Cheap Trick.” And you know it was a bigger couple of days when you can’t say the words “I saw Cheap Trick” because there’s some girl’s panties that she put in your mouth with her phone number written on them.
That didn’t happen to me, of course, it was Thor, but it was pretty cool just to see it happen.
Uh, you know, actually, it also happened to Ugluk if I remember correctly.
And Howard.
Hmm.
Oh, and Masako.
Huh.
…
Well, Peter Cohen did grab my ass.
So, you know, the trip wasn’t a complete loss.
Oh, and there was something about a phone, I seem to remember…
But getting back to Cheap Trick, I have to thank Microsoft’s Mac Business Unit for getting us in to MacBlast. We had some other offers of help but they were the ones who came through in the end.
That, of course, means that we are indebted to them and must now provide nothing favorable coverage of Microsoft, Windows and the Zune.
Wow.
At least that’s what it says on the back of the tickets. I really should have read that before agreeing to take them. Those guys are crazy with the EULAs.
Also, since they were so nice to us, I’d like to personally apologize for something juvenile I once wrote about Roz Ho.
I’m terribly sorry.
Really.
It was just a cheap shot (but not a Cheap Trick, because they rock!) and, Roz, you should know that it’s not about you, it’s about me. It was – like this entire site and my highly publicized relationship with Jessica Simpson – a desperate cry for attention. So, please accept my humblest apologies.
But…
Well, you know, in fairness to me, you probably heard it all through high school anyway.
Unless that’s your married name.
I wonder if anyone in the MacBU calls her R-Ho?
Anyway, let’s talk about the phone. Now, I’ve been reading a lot of whiny-assed crap from a bunch of pathetic losers who are bitching and moaning about piddly little things like “Boo-hoo-hoo, it’s too expensive!” or “Ooooh, it’s Cingular only!” or “Whaaa, it’s GSM and not CDMA!”
So, let me talk directly to these miserable excuses for Apple fans. The rest of you can tune out for a bit.
Hey.
HEY.
HEY!
WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
Did you see Steve at the end of the keynote?! He was practically crying!
Listen, let me say this and I’m going to try to be as clear as I possibly can because you’re obviously fricking stupid.
The people at Apple don’t make these awesome products to make money. They make them because they love you.
I know some people (like my mother) don’t like it when I use this word, but if there’s ever an appropriate use of it it’s right here and right now to you numb nuts.
Shut the fuck up.
That’s right.
Shut.
The.
Fuck.
Up.
If you don’t want to buy the glorious technological marvel that Steve hath delivered unto us as Prometheus of old, that’s your prerogative. You’re an idiot, but it’s your prerogative.
But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit by and hear you sully this man’s life work.
Even if it is his third life work.
So…
I hope I’ve made my point.
Don’t make me travel the globe so I can smack each and every one of you.
Uh, anyway, we had a good time.
That’s all I wanted to say.
- In my quest to touch as many Apple executives as possible, I actually did manage to touch senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson, but he was the only one. He was talking to someone and I walked up and touched him on the arm and walked away. He seemed confused. I have no idea why.
- Peter Cohen really did grab my ass. Apparently the social rules that apply at Macworld are similar to those in prison.