Author: John Moltz

Ruby

Although he may have left us years ago for pastures that are turning out to be not so green, Memories…

Rubinstein Devoured By Beavers

Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
of the way we were.

Executives React to Apple’s Stock Option Investigation

Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
smiles we give to one another
for the way we were.

Rubinstein Farewell Party Planning Already In Trouble

Can it be that it was all so simple then
or has time rewritten every line?

Rubinstein Tired of Renting

If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we? Could we?

Everyone Trying TO Cover Up Fact That Rubinstein Is Really Drunk

Memories, may be beautiful and yet
what’s too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget

Tevanian Invests Money Wisely, While Rubinstein Spends It Frivolously

So it’s the laughter we will remember
whenever we remember…

Rubinstein Won’t Get Off Ride Outside Grocery Store

…the way we were.

Macworld Expo

It occurs to me that you guys may not know that not only will I be at Macworld Expo this week, I’ll be doing things. Not live keynote coverage, of course. Apple saw to that (now you know the real reason they don’t do Macworld Expo anymore). But I will be continuing an abusive relationship with my liver, waking up in a strange indy software developer’s booth dressed like Mr. Met and being spooned by Sinbad as well as appearing on a panel with the lovely and talented Dan Moren and some other guy. I’ll also be doing the Mac Pundit Showdown with presumably some even bigger names.

Which is weird, right?

I mean, 9 years ago I was just like you.

Well, OK, not like you. I mean, look at you. I can dress myself without matching animals and I don’t have that – what is that, a goiter? – and never got arrested for public urination.

Never got arrested for public urination.

But I was just another Mac-loving shlub who read rumor sites voraciously in a failing effort to keep ahead of the Apple product announcement curve so I wouldn’t get burned. That didn’t work out at all but now I’m going to be on stage at Macworld probably not being funny. It’s a Cinderella story. Except with more back hair.

OK, sure, some of this is because this is the post-Apple Macworld which is like breaking into the majors by playing for the Nationals, but I still get league minimum and can’t you just let me have this?

Anyway, hope to see you there. I mean that. If you see me, feel free to come up and introduce yourself. As long as I’m not on stage. Succubus-like, I feed on your adoration. Awkwardly. I’ll probably stumble through something meant to be nice that I’ll later realize made me sound like an ass and then we won’t really have anything to say and we’ll stand around uncomfortably for 45 minutes until we’re asked to get out of Mr. Breen’s dressing room. We’ll all laugh about it later. Well, except Chris.

All joking aside, I love Macworld Expo. It’s where I met John Gruber, Sal Soghoian, Merlin Mann, Leo Laporte, Jason Snell, Andy Ihnatko, Adam and Tonya Engst, Chris Breen and lots of other people who are way more talented and smart than I am.

It’s a good time. If you can, come on down. We’d love to see you.

Except Larry.

You know what you did, Larry.

Letters.app Project Dissolves

In a disappointing turn of events for the fledgling project, create a more robust alternative to Apple’s Mail.app called Letters.app has dissolved over “irreconcilable differences”.

“The egos involved were simply too big, Daring Fireball auteur felt continually nitpicked by back-seat drivers.

“Nobody sees my vision!” screamed Gruber, stabbing out his clove cigarette, taking a sip from a $10 beer in a can and adjusting his beret. “Only I know which fonts are appropriate! Only I know which menu items go where! Only I know which controls are controlliest! And I refuse to have my ideas, my concepts, my passion be questioned by Philistines!

“It is as if you asked Stanley Kubrick to direct a dinner theater production! Or asked Joe Torre to manage the Nationals! It cannot be done!”

Others associated with the project, meanwhile, blamed Gruber himself for its failure.

“I am an artiste!” cried Panic Software‘s Cabel Sasser, flinging his scarf around his neck. “If anyone knows about making softwares that are beautiful to the touch, it is I, not this pixel-pushing lout of a man whose personal grooming is also suspect!”

Most simply blamed everyone but themselves.

“Imbéciles!” exclaimed Brent Simmons, inexplicably speaking in French. “Je ne peux pas travailler avec ces imbéciles!”

Technical lead Gus Mueller has reportedly taken the existing source code – currently nothing more than five lines of comments and one IBAction – and renamed it CrunchMail.app. Mueller hopes to have a working product of his own personal design some time next year, but right now is more concerned with fulfilling the obligations of his tell-all book deal with O’Reilly.

Apple Reveals Post-Tablet Product Plans

At a press conference today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs – in a stunning breach of precedent – revealed the product line Apple will be working on after the tablet. Never before has Jobs been so forthcoming with his plans and reporters were caught flat-footed, rushing to make the event after being notified just yesterday.

“It’s no secret we’re announcing a tablet on the 27th,” said Jobs. “And it’s going to be really special, so you’ll want to stay tuned for that. But I’m here to talk about what comes after the tablet.”

Jobs went on to reveal that Apple will be taking on an entirely new product set and blazing a trail in an industry that doesn’t even exist yet: the market for attractive human genitals.

“Look at your genitals!” Jobs said to the gathered reporters. “They’re a mess! All hairy and wrinkly with flaps of variously-shaded skin all over and stuff. Ew. I don’t know who designed them but…

“No, don’t look at them now!” Jobs said suddenly. “Look at them later!

“Jesus, Walt.”

Jobs believes this market – like those of the digital music player and the cell phone before it – is full of sub-standard products and ripe for the kind of shake-up Apple specializes in.

“I’m not talking about genitals that are larger,” Jobs said. “Although, yes, in some instances they will be larger than what you’re currently used to. David.

“No, I’m talking about genitals that are simply better designed and more aesthetically pleasing.”

According to Jobs, male members will be constructed from a new synthetic human tissue that collapses into a more attractive shape when not in use. The scrotum will be a replaceable peripheral in easily identifiable ‘fully loaded’ and ‘firing blanks’ versions. Women’s parts, meanwhile, will be almost invisible from the outside, not have those monthly “maintenance” issues and include a revolutionary new security mechanism.

Jobs indicated that he was taking the unusual step of announcing Apple’s entry into the genitals market because he felt certain the no one would be able to ramp up fast enough to catch the company.

“I’ve seen some of the designs Jonny [Ive] has been working on,” Jobs said. “He’s been doodling them in a notebook for years and I finally said ‘What is that? It looks like a woman’s hoo-ha. But without all the messy bits.'”

Ive smiled nervously in the front row.

“Clearly, Jonny had spent a lot of time thinking about this,” Jobs said. “I mean a lot of time.”

Apple’s male genitals are expected to gently enter the market some time this summer around 7:00 PM, with the female genitals coming about fifteen minutes later. And then again fifteen minutes after that.

iWork Killer App For Tablet?

Astounding news is rocking the tablet rumor circuit as Apple appears prepared to deliver a tablet-enabled version of iWork when it introduces its new tablet at the tablet special event on January 27th, also known as “Tablet launch day”. (Tablet.)

Needless to say, Apple fans are beside themselves as the thought of rocking spreadsheets through an as yet-to-be-determined input mechanism has them literally salivating.

“I am so fucking psyched,” said Mac user Jim Ray, wiping his chin. “Spreadsheets fucking rule. And I have to imagine that spreadsheets on a tablet ultra-mega-rule, what with the smaller screen size. Just think, we’ll be able to do spreadsheets or write business letters or create presentations – but mostly do spreadsheets – in the bathroom!

“I mean, I do that already, but now I’m gonna do it on a tablet! Wow!”

While the excitement generated by the killer combination of spreadsheets and tablets is palpable, some questions remain.

“I can’t believe that in just a few weeks I’m going to be typing into a spreadsheet on the tablet’s virtual keyboard!” said Macworld’s Dan Moren. “Or, possibly, writing etext with a stylus on a spreadsheet! That always works so awesome. Or, maybe, talking into the tablet and having my numbers flawlessly be translated into the spreadsheet through some kind of ‘computer magic’. One thing we know for sure is that it won’t be via a physical keyboard because this is a tablet and that would just be lame.

“But, hell, I don’t care how it happens! All I care about is spreadsheets on tablets! Yeah!”

Analysts were at a loss to explain why the potential for iWork on a tablet has everyone so worked up. Some pointed to recent controversial scientific studies that showed brain damage in rats after prolonged exposure to aluminum.