Not that we don’t already know it’s in full swing or nothing, but when Crazy Apple Rumor Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz is quoted in a real news-type piece on the Interwebs, even if it is discussing the Artie MacStrawman phenomenon…
Well, strange days indeed.
Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today: Spaces!
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Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Are you using Leopard?
Q: Yes!
A: OK. It’s just Spaces. Every once in a while it goes goofy and doesn’t show you the windows. It’s very easy to fix.
Q: Oh. OK. What do I need to do?
A: Well, you need to appease Spaces.
Q: Uh… what?
A: Well, you’ve clearly angered it. So you must make an offering.
Q: An offering?
A: Yes.
Q: What kind of offering?
A: An offering… of human blood.
Q: Uh… what? Isn’t there just a key combination?
A: No! Spaces is an angry god! It will only accept human blood!
Q: That doesn’t seem right. I mean, Dashboard I could see, but Spaces?
A: I assure you, it is. Now, you’ll need a lot of blood, so I suggest opening up a major vein. Get yourself a sharp knife and…
Q: Oh! Wait! They’re back! I just hit C while holding the F8 key down!
A: Really? Well, I like my way better. That’s the way a man gets his windows back.
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Q: Hey, I’m trying to use Spaces, too, and something is really borked up.
A: How borked? Robert Bork borked up or just Swedish Chef sort of borked?
Q: Um, well I guess just kind of Swedish Chef level borked.
A: OK. Then is it angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef sort of borked or just singing vegetables type of “code Swedish Chef” borked.
Q: Uh, I’d say angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef borked and with the chef’s hat on fire.
A: I see. That’s just one step below Robert Bork level borkitude.
Q: If you say so.
A: Hmm. If I had to ask you if it was Jim Nabors guest hosting or Elke Sommer guest hosting kind of angry chickens Swedish chef with the hat on fire level borked…
Q: I have no idea what the hell we’re even talking about any more but I’m going to say Elke Sommer for obvious reasons.
A: She was hot.
Q: Totally.
A: Well… thanks for calling!
Q: OK, bye.
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Q: Hey, we didn’t even get to my question!
A: Oh. Right. It was about the Dock, right?
Q: No! It was about Spaces!
A: OK. OK. Look, when something like this happens, it’s important to stay calm. People have a tendency to panic when something goes wrong and when you panic you can make a bad situation worse. Understand?
Q: Yeah. Sure. OK.
A: So, think. Think. Why would Spaces be mad at you?
Q: I don’t know! I mean, we had argued a little, but I never thought it was that serious.
A: What did you argue over?
Q: Money, mostly.
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: Spaces felt it wasn’t getting a big enough cut of the web development work I was doing on my Mac. It was always saying shit like “You’d never be able to get this work done if I didn’t keep your windows organized for you!” And that would make me mad, of course, and I’d be like “Bitch, you don’t do nothin’ around here except stuff windows in your fat ass! Don’t make me crawl into that screen and smack a bitch!”
A: That’s not how loving couples talk to each other.
Q: I know. I know. I just…
A: Let’s focus on your feelings. How did Spaces’ words make you feel?
Q: Stressed, I guess. Money, money, money. Spaces always wanted more money. And, as the provider…
A: Did you feel trapped?
Q: Yes. Yes! Trapped.
A: Mmm. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.
Q: Oh. I but I feel like we’re close to something.
A: We’ll pick it up here next week.
Q: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t even do the Help Desk half the time.
A: This is not about me, Ronald.
Q: Pff.
Another deadly spam hack attack against this site by nefarious robot sources has been defeated. You’ll have to look somewhere else for your viagra needs.
At least until they attack again. Which will probably be in about 15 minutes.
Don’t say we never gave you anything.
Er… back.
It needs some cleaning up, but Masako’s added pages to the comments for you to more easily enjoy digging and ponies and Glaarku and whatever the hell it is you people do in there.
I hope it’s not smoking pot. That would really disappoint me.
ADDENDUM: Oh, and you know what this means, right?
Yep. Looks like the Giga-Post is back.
And guess what Masako’s working on right now?
Please stay tuned to this station.
This site has been attacked by vicious robot spammers, bent on making us pay for our sterling coverage of the Cyber Apocalypse (something you won’t see at those other rumor sites, by the way).
Masako has temporarily been able to delete the code, but we’ll be doing a full WordPress upgrade later today. If you have trouble connecting, you know who to blame: those soulless metal bastards.
UPDATE: Done.
Fresh back from the Thanksgiving holiday, I wish I had something thankful to report, but sadly I bring you only..
KILLER ROBOT RAMPAGE! (Not to be confused with the band of the same name.)
Thanks to Macworld’s Peter Cohen for the tip. There’s a guy who’s got the proper level of concern about robots sneaking into his house at night, knocking the furniture over and stealing his liver.
I don’t know what robots would do with a human liver. Possibly put it in some hideous killer cyborg, possibly just stick it in a jar of formaldehyde and put it up high on a shelf in their basement and forget about it until about ten years later when they went down there to find some carpet tacks and see it and say “Oh, there’s that human liver! Hey, Theo! Remember when I was looking all over for that human liver a couple of years ago?! Ha-ha! Ahhh… Biddy-biddy.”
Either way, pretty gruesome. One of your major organs roaming a post-apocalyptic landscape in a destructive metal behemoth or having it spend eternity next to Twiki’s washers.
Although the latter’s clearly worse. I mean… Twiki for Christ’s sake. How humiliating.
Anyway, here’s hoping your Thanksgiving holiday wasn’t filled will Ballmer-esque automatons tossing chairs and shouting “Developers! Developers! Developers!” and sweating all over the place.
Kind of makes your drunk uncle Rudy’s antics look tame, don’t it?