Category: Event Coverage

Here we go kiddies! Just four days to the extra-long big show!

And a Macworld wouldn’t be a Macworld without all kinds of wild and inaccurate speculation about what Apple’s going to announce.

But you won’t get that here. All of our speculation has been carefully checked using the least squares derivative model and audited by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers Lybrand and…

Well, there are like forty more names.

So you know it’s got to be good.

Let’s roll! The Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff predictions for Macworld 2007!

---

Staff Writer Chet MacGruder:

Well, an iLife update for sure. And then the 8-core Mac Pros. That seems kind of obvious. Uh, new touch-screen video iPods. No surprise there. Apple phone. Of course. Lightweight 12-inch MacBook. Dur-hey. Oookay. What else? Oh. Tablet. Everyone knows about that one.

What?

Oh.

I’m just supposed to give one?

---

Web designer Masako Yamamoto:

A game. Just one kick-ass, Mac-only game. That’s all I ask. Is that asking to much? No. I don’t think so.

I… I have a lot of Bungie-related anger.

---

Photographer Howard the talking dog:

Well, personally, I just like something to scratch my butt on. Like the top part of my butt. The part I can’t reach. If Apple wants to be in every living room, it might make them more pleasant places to be if people don’t have to look at me scratching my ass up against the ottoman.

---

Contributing reporter Ugluk:

Fire.

Me know that been around for long time, but talk about technology that need be more user-friendly.

Am me right or am me right?

---

Columnist Thor Samson:

Oh, well, I actually already know what they’re going to announce but… I’m NDA-ed.

Sorry.

Uhh…

Oh, hell. It’s a [DELETED AT THE REQUEST OF APPLE LEGAL].

Happy?

---

Financier the Entity:

Cold fusion.

---

Editor-In-Chief John Moltz:

I’m going to go out on a limb and say killer robots.

That probably doesn’t seem that different than sexbots, but it’s pretty clear they’re not going to deliver on that so…

Killer robots.

…

Ooh… wait a minute…

Evil goats…

…

Oh, great, now I can’t decide.

---

Well, that’s it! Are we right? We’ll find out next week!

And we’ll see you there!

Really!

No, really, I mean it this time.

Seriously.

In a surprising turn-around from yesterday’s news of a longer keynote, Apple sources are now telling Crazy Apple Rumors Site that no new products will be announced next Tuesday.

Apple will be announcing iLife 2007 and a speed bump for the Mac Pro…

…and that’s it.

Sources say that the time extension is so CEO Steve Jobs can work on some funny accents he’s perfecting.

“OK, OK, an excited Jobs reportedly said to a frightened intern he cornered recently. “This one’s a Mexican guy…”

“Don’t fire me, please!” the intern squealed, covering his face with his hands, dropping to the floor and curling up in the fetal position.

“You don’t like Mexican? OK, how about Guatemalan? It’s actually the same accent as far as I know, but it sounds trendier when you say ‘Guatemalan’.”

When reached by phone, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said that recent developments have caused Apple to believe that it has reached a point where it can be content to be “lord of the manor.”

“We’ve decided to just let third parties make most of the hard products from now on,” Schiller said. “Cisco’s already announced the iPhone and now Other World is releasing a Mac tablet, so…

“Right now I’m just rolling in a pile of cash I got for working on the iPod. Can you hear that? That ruffling sound like leaves? That’s cash. This particular pile is mostly hundreds, but you should see the pile at Steve’s house. Some of it’s bearer bonds in really big denominations.

“He’s also got an air hockey table which is just awesome. I’ve gotta get one of those.”

While the company usually declines to comment for these stories, Apple spokesperson Cynthia Mclaren was willing to go on the record as saying that all the iPod money was making it really hard to stay motivated to produce crap for us whining ingrates.

In an exciting turn of events, Apple has announced that this year’s Macworld keynote will be longer than the usual presentation.

This has caused rampant speculation that CEO Steve Jobs has significant announcements to make.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that this is in fact the case. Indeed, the keynote will not be two hours long as reported by other sites, but an astounding eight hours long. Attendees are advised to hit the latrine before entering, as the doors will be locked until the last startling revelation is made.

According to documents obtained by CARS reporters, Jobs will make the following earth-shattering announcements:

• Apple is releasing not one, not two, but seventeen different phones, ranging in capabilities and colors. Maybe eighteen. Probably not twenty. Could be, though. Forty is not out of the question.
• Stunning the audience, Jobs will reveal that the reason you can’t believe it’s not butter is because it’s actually butter and the people at Unilever have been lying to you.
• Quickly contrasting that, however, Jobs will show that soylent green isn’t made from people, it’s made from soy. Just like it sounds.
• Phil Schiller will take the stage and announce that he is made of meat.
• Adobe CEO Bruce Chizen will appear ostensibly for a bake-off with the new CS3 beta, but instead will be fed to some angry possums.
• Jobs will then announce an application suite that does everything CS3 does and faster. And it’s part of iLife and it only costs $70. And you get a small soda and your choice of soup or salad.
• The soup is special space soup with magical space powers that turn you into an awesome super-cool astronaut. With chicks.
• New full-touch-screen video iPod. And a tablet Mac Mac Mackity Mac thing-a-ma-bob that will cause Jason O’Grady to expire in sheer orgasmic pleasure right on the spot.
• Of course, the long-rumored Apple perpetual motion machine. That’s a given.
• Finally Jobs will promise that they’re really going to start working on sexbots this year. Really. They mean it. That’s what the whole “Welcome to 2007” thing was about in the first place.

After looking shocked and starting to say “Where did you get thi…”, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Following yesterday’s revelation that Apple executives forged documents relating to the issuance of stock options, the Financial Times reported today that the forgeries were specifically related to options granted to CEO Steve Jobs.

Later, though, the Apple world was further shocked to learn that Crazy Apple Rumors Site had falsified every report it had filed from Macworld for the past five years.

“Uh, we’ve actually never been to Macworld,” said a chastened editor-in-chief John Moltz. “I know it’s seemed like we have to some of our slower readers, but we think that if you go back and read our coverage again it will seem painfully obvious that we were actually filing those reports from a van outside of Pittsburgh while eating Cheez-Its and drinking warm Stroh’s from cans.”

“I mean, that iMac with the round base and the flat screen on an arm? We made that up! C’mon, people!”

Moltz apologized for deceiving CARS readers for five years but promised to make it up to them this year.

“In gesture of contrition, I will personally be attending Macworld this year,” Moltz said, “I’ll be there to provide the in-depth coverage that CARS readers have come to believe – incorrectly – that they can rely on.”

Moltz went on to apologize for what his attendance will mean for this coming Macworld.

“Consequently – by several laws of probability that govern this universe – this will be the lamest Macworld ever.

“There will be no Apple phone, no tablet device, no lightweight laptop. I predict there will be an iLife update and after Steve Jobs says ‘Oh, and… one more thing…’ every attendee will receive a kick to the groin. The entire keynote will be fifteen minutes long.”

Moltz again apologized.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did seem intrigued by the kick to the groin idea.

According to sources, IDG is continuing its embargo on granting Macworld passes to bloggers. The most notable blogger to be rejected for credentials this year is John Gruber of Daring Fireball.

Many in the Mac community have complained that, instead of using a blanket policy, IDG should be able to separate the wheat from the chaff.

But while keeping out rumor sites has long been considered the reason for IDG’s policy, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that it is actually because the company has not realized that time has passed since June of 1999 and simply knows nothing of blogging, podcasting, videocasting or any of the latest web media.

A spokesperson for IDG, Charlotte McCormak, said “Since Steve Jobs’ return to the company last year, we have arranged to keep the riff-raff out of Macworld and we have no intention of changing that. We only accept traditional journalists. You know, guys with those little pads of paper… maybe a hat with a card in it that says ‘Press’… that’d be nice…

“I mean, any yahoo can throw up a website. Like, uh, Yahoo. Although I hear those guys are doing pretty well.

“But, frankly, I’m so totally worried about this Y2k thing that I can’t get all that excited about some… what did you call him – ‘blogger’? – who didn’t get a pass to cover Macworld.”

McCormak added that she was looking forward to the premier of The Phantom Menace in several weeks.

When asked why the company was not willing to recognize the ascendancy of online journalism including blogs and podcasts, McCormak laughed.

“‘Podcasts’?! Ha-ha! Yeah! Well, tell you what, I’ll make you a deal. Any ‘podcaster’ who arrives at Macworld in his ‘hovercar’ gets in free, OK?

“Ha-ha! ‘Podcasts’! You’re killin’ me! What is that, like, transmitting data from your space pod?”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but did roll its eyes at the mention of IDG and say “Pff. Ack. Jeez. Don’t get me started about those guys. Pff. Whoo. Tell you what.”