Male Computer Users Found To Be Overconfident.

A new study shows that men are more likely to be overconfident about online security than women.

Most people will not find this surprising. Also not surprisingly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the researchers also found that Mac-using men are even more overconfident, both about online security and other things.

“I’d be concerned about online security,” said Your Mac Life host Shawn King, “but I already know that I’m totally impervious to malware. Because I’m using a Mac. I mean, duh.

“I also have a very large penis,” King added. “Really quite tremendous.”

As it turns out, King’s outlook on online security and the size of his unit was not unusual for men in the Mac community.

“What’s great about using a Mac is the fact that there are zero viruses,” said Macworld’s Peter Cohen. “I can surf any site, download any file I want with utter impunity. It’s great being a Mac user.

“And my junk is simply huge. Ask anyone.”

Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch concurred.

“I don’t really have anything to say about online security,” he said, “but I’d just like to point out that I, too, have a long and lustrous penis.”

Female Mac users reportedly rolled their eyes upon hearing the findings.

Whither the Staff?

Well, despite drinking my weight in Tres Generaciones Anejo, I was unable to make time and space roll backwards and undo the Entity’s shocker announcement of last week.

I did actually close a loop in the space/time continuum that was causing Stan Sigman to read off the same index card over and over and over and over. So, that was good. Get that guy back on the golf course where he belongs.

But when I woke up this morning after going to bed on Saturday morning and dragged myself into the office, there was the Entity, taking things out of his desk and putting them into a cardboard box.

Single paper clip. Bag of Baked Lays. Pencil. Bag of Baked Lays. Swingline stapler. Bag of Baked Lays. Thoronson portable particle accelerator. Bag of Baked Lays…

He’s out of here on Friday.

So that’s it.

Come Friday, the show’s over.

It’s not so bad, I guess. I’ve been doing this for six years and I still haven’t scored that free Cinema Display I dreamed of when I first posted on Blogspot.

I talked with the staff today and they all spent the weekend thinking about their options.

Thor’s obviously set since he’s independently wealthy. He just stood there for a second then said “Well, I’m going skydiving.” Then he walked out.

Now, Howard…

Well…

How do I say this?

Howard actually had to be put down over a year ago.

I just…

I didn’t have the heart to tell you.

Yep. Hip dysplasia. Sad, really.

Um…

Uh…

You’re crying.

Um, I’m just kidding. We, uh, we actually drove him out to a biiiig farm in the country and he’s running around, uh, chasing the chickens and, uh, taking pictures of them… for a big… farm… exposé… for Life magazine.

Really.

He’s going to blow the farm stereotype wide open.

Totally. Don’t cry.

It’s Chet we had to have put down.

No, actually, this was kind of a shock to me, but he’s already got another job lined up. Yep. He’s reached some form of détente with the rest of his family and is going to work for the Mac Business Unit at Microsoft. It’s nice for him. It’s a nice middle ground. I think the current version was looking a little too Mac-like and they were looking for someone to help really crap up the interface for them. You know, tart it up like a cheap whore.

I think he’s going to do well there.

Masako simply announced that she’s decided to “go back to her people”. No one was really sure if she meant the Japanese or lesbians. I like to imagine it’s the lesbians. As a matter of fact, I like to imagine that a little too much, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

So, I’m like, “Well, Ugluk. Looks like it’s just you and me, buddy.”

And then the Entity offers to drop him off in 20,000 B.C. on his way back to his dimension.

Great. Thanks a lot.

You know, I can’t do this site alone. There’s vast amounts of research, interviewing and writing, not to mention all the web maintenance, marketing and administration.

And then someone has to keep the hot tub maintained, brush the polo ponies and oil the Solid Gold CARS Dancers.

So…

Friday it is.

What the hell am I going to do after that? There’s no way I’m going back to chartered accountancy. No way, man.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: I have a Titanium PowerBook that I’m trying to use as a printer server on an 802.11g network. I bought a g PCMCIA card, but every time I have the PowerBook on the network, my wife’s MacBook gets terrible network performance. Web sites are slow and… um… hello?

A: …

Q: Hello?

A: …

Q: Uh… hmm. Helloooo? Is anyone there?

A: …

Q: Huh. This is weird. I wonder where…

A: Sorry! Sorry I’m late! Oh, man.

Q: Oh. Hi. OK, so, I’ve got this PowerBook and…

A: I just got out of an all-day staff meeting. Holy crap. I can’t believe it. There’s some serious shit going on here.

Q: Great. OK, so I’m running an 802.11g network and…

A: The Entity called this meeting and said he had a big announcement. We just rolled our eyes, I mean, the guy’s practically incoherent. How could he have a big announcement?

Q: See, I just need to serve this printer and…

A: So, sure, it took forever to get it out of him… her… whatever… what he wanted to say. After all, he is an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a flour tortilla and served with sour cream and guacamole…

Q: Getting a lot of dropped connections and slow load times for web pages on the MacBoook…

A: And then there were the inevitable Baked Lays breaks. You know, you watch Star Trek and you think energy beings pretty much power themselves. Well, I’m telling you, that’s crap. And it’s no different now that he’s Jennifer fricking Connelly. He still packs away a case a day.

Q: Er…

A: [sigh]

Q: OK, so, I’m not sure what going on but there’s some kind of interference or switching or…

A: But the announcement!

Q: Oh, for crying out loud…

A: He’s leaving!

Q: Are you even allowed to call yourself a Help Desk anymore? I mean, isn’t there some kind of ISO minimum standard for seconds of actual help supplied?

A: Yeah! Now that the Cyber Apocalypse is over, he’s going back to his dimension! He said his mission here is complete!

Q: So that’s a “no”?

A: I always knew this would come some day but it’s just shocking now that it’s happened. I mean, I was hoping it wouldn’t be for another 500,000 years.

Q: You know what’s shocking? The poor performance my wife’s MacBook is getting.

A: The thing is, without the Entity, we’re pretty much broke. I mean, we get some good income from advertisers and that generally covers our not insubstantial liquor bill, but after that there’s just not much left to run a site.

Q: Oh. You call this “running a site”?

A: He dropped this on us and then just floated out of the conference room. No one said a word. Everyone just got up and walked out. Went home.

Q: Can I call one of them?

A: I gotta think this over. I gotta go home and drink some tequila and… I don’t know. I just need some tequila.

Q: You need some tequila? Dude, if I don’t fix my wife’s MacBook problem I’m going to need an ambulance.

A: This is probably the end of CARS. Seriously. I mean, no Entity, no money, no site. I… I gotta go… drink.

Q: Uh…

A: …

Q: Great.

A: …

Q: So… uh… I’ll just lock up then?

Some Apple Execs Reap High Salaries.

Reports filed with the SEC show that several Apple executives pulled in salaries of over $1 million last year with the notable exception of CEO Steve Jobs who still makes only $1.

As CFO Peter Oppeneheimer and COO Tim Cook note, while the rich life does have its rewards, it’s not everything.

“As much as I love my boat, my genetically bred talking monkey and my diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Cook, “I’d give it all up for the richness of simply being Steve Jobs.

“I mean, have you seen Steve’s house? No, of course you haven’t. You’re no one. But I have. It’s serene. Beautiful. Immaculate. He lives a life of stately frugality. He eats only what he needs.”

“He breaths only what he needs,” Oppenheimer added.

“Right. I mean, how else could he survive on a salary of $1 a year?” Cook asked.

However, contrary to Cook and Oppenheimer’s supposed insights into Jobs’ monk-like lifestyle, other sources indicate that Jobs has actually supplemented his $1 income in the following ways.

  • Sold his comic book collection and used the proceeds to buy a case of Top Ramen and a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • When he returned to Apple in 1997, instead of spending his “mad money” for the year, he invested it in government bonds and turned $1,200 into an astounding $1,225.
  • Took a second job at the Cupertino Pizza Hut which is kind of humiliating but thanks to his Mercedes SL65 he’s able to maintain a perfect record of delivering pizzas in 30 minutes or less.
  • Back in 1973, lifted a mess of quarters from his dad’s dresser. Found them in his pants pocket just last year.

Jobs declined to be interviewed for this story as he had to go meet with his guidance counselor, who thinks he could be applying himself better.

Apple's Record Results Result In Record Drop.

Apple posted record results today, as iPod sales continue to be strong and Mac sales experienced a virtual boom.

Naturally, the company’s stock fell dramatically on Wall Street in late trading, prompting a difficult admission from CFO Peter Oppenheimer over dinner tonight (yes, we frequently dine with Peter Oppenheimer – don’t you?).

“At this point,” Oppenheimer said in hushed tones, “I just don’t think there’s any way to salvage this relationship.”

According to Oppenheimer, Apple is considering divorce.

“Sometimes when you’re in a an abusive relationship,” Oppenheimer sobbed over a white Zinfandel, “you just get used to it.

“You think, maybe it’s me! Maybe it’s all my fault! Maybe they’d invest in me more if I weren’t so fat! I’ve suggested therapy but Wall Street just tells me to ‘shut up’ because it’s ‘watching the game’.”

For its part, Wall Street confirmed there were “issues” but placed the blame solely on Apple.

“The magic just isn’t there anymore,” Wall Street said. “When we met, Apple was… I dunno… sexy. The iPod! Oooh, the iPod! Now… eh.

“Maybe it’d be different if it dressed itself up in something pretty. Like a new iPhone or a tablet or something. You know, make an effort. But the MacBook Air? Too little too late, Apple.”

Apple followers were unable to fathom what, exactly, Oppenheimer could mean by “divorce”.

“What, they’d take the company private?” Macworld magazine’s Jason Snell wondered aloud. “I don’t think that would work.

“Wait, did you really have dinner with Peter Oppenheimer?”

Sure. Yeah. Of course we did.

At the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto, if you must know.

We split the tab, although he picked up the tip because he had dessert. And the wine.

Happens all the time.