Whither the Staff?

Well, despite drinking my weight in Tres Generaciones Anejo, I was unable to make time and space roll backwards and undo the Entity’s shocker announcement of last week.

I did actually close a loop in the space/time continuum that was causing Stan Sigman to read off the same index card over and over and over and over. So, that was good. Get that guy back on the golf course where he belongs.

But when I woke up this morning after going to bed on Saturday morning and dragged myself into the office, there was the Entity, taking things out of his desk and putting them into a cardboard box.

Single paper clip. Bag of Baked Lays. Pencil. Bag of Baked Lays. Swingline stapler. Bag of Baked Lays. Thoronson portable particle accelerator. Bag of Baked Lays…

He’s out of here on Friday.

So that’s it.

Come Friday, the show’s over.

It’s not so bad, I guess. I’ve been doing this for six years and I still haven’t scored that free Cinema Display I dreamed of when I first posted on Blogspot.

I talked with the staff today and they all spent the weekend thinking about their options.

Thor’s obviously set since he’s independently wealthy. He just stood there for a second then said “Well, I’m going skydiving.” Then he walked out.

Now, Howard…


How do I say this?

Howard actually had to be put down over a year ago.

I just…

I didn’t have the heart to tell you.

Yep. Hip dysplasia. Sad, really.



You’re crying.

Um, I’m just kidding. We, uh, we actually drove him out to a biiiig farm in the country and he’s running around, uh, chasing the chickens and, uh, taking pictures of them… for a big… farm… exposé… for Life magazine.


He’s going to blow the farm stereotype wide open.

Totally. Don’t cry.

It’s Chet we had to have put down.

No, actually, this was kind of a shock to me, but he’s already got another job lined up. Yep. He’s reached some form of détente with the rest of his family and is going to work for the Mac Business Unit at Microsoft. It’s nice for him. It’s a nice middle ground. I think the current version was looking a little too Mac-like and they were looking for someone to help really crap up the interface for them. You know, tart it up like a cheap whore.

I think he’s going to do well there.

Masako simply announced that she’s decided to “go back to her people”. No one was really sure if she meant the Japanese or lesbians. I like to imagine it’s the lesbians. As a matter of fact, I like to imagine that a little too much, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

So, I’m like, “Well, Ugluk. Looks like it’s just you and me, buddy.”

And then the Entity offers to drop him off in 20,000 B.C. on his way back to his dimension.

Great. Thanks a lot.

You know, I can’t do this site alone. There’s vast amounts of research, interviewing and writing, not to mention all the web maintenance, marketing and administration.

And then someone has to keep the hot tub maintained, brush the polo ponies and oil the Solid Gold CARS Dancers.


Friday it is.

What the hell am I going to do after that? There’s no way I’m going back to chartered accountancy. No way, man.

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