Mac Market Share Grows. Platform Doomed.

While the iPhone has garnered the lion’s share of the attention lately, the Mac has quietly edged up its market share, as sales were up 26% in the second quarter compared to the industry’s 7%.

While this may seem to be good news for the Mac and Apple, several industry experts said just the opposite was true.

Rob Enderle of the esteemed Just Me And The Mrs. Group said “By my estimation, this entire increase is from Apple zealots buying up all the Macs they can in a desperate attempt to rescue the platform. This will fade as they run out of money. Clearly the Mac is in its last throes.

“Oh, and I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell you this, but I ate a lot of paint chips as a child.”

Enderle’s analysis was echoed by John C. “I probably got where I am today because people mistakenly think I invented the keyboard” Dvorak.

“I was talking with a friend of mine,” Dvorak said, “and he accidentally walked into a Mac user group meeting and heard the Mac zealots planning to steal our precious bodily fluids so they could use them to anoint Steve Jobs as their one true god.

“And you Mac zealots can’t complain about me saying this because it’s not me saying it, it’s my friend.

“Who I made up.”

Meanwhile George Ou remained strangely quiet, not looking up from his hobby of performing taxidermy on neighborhood cats. And, for his part, Paul Thurrott merely wanted to know where Enderle had gotten the paint chips because he was feeling a bit peckish.

Client Development Night.

Well, screw this.

Moltz is out there driving through the desert with a talking dog and a mescaline-induced vision of one of the seminal Mac pundits of the previous decade and I’m sitting here on my ass scrolling through emails from appld00d238@hotmail.com and watching my Lancelot Link DVD.

He left Thor in charge but here’s the thing about the great Thor Samson. He’s smart, powerful, well connected and good looking in a “I don’t roll that way but if I did…” kind of way. But he’s not exactly what you’d call “focused”. One minute he’s talking about how we’re going to redesign the site and make it all Web 2.0 with a state-of-the-art content management system and lasers and shit and the next he’s rolling in a pile of twenties with four Swedish flight attendants smeared in butter.

And he’s not even an employee! He’s a contributing columnist! Ugluk even has seniority!

Not that he wants to get into management. I think he’s more interested in the Shaman position we have open. The hours are better. And he’s already got the cave bear head.

But anyway, like I said, screw this.

I’m taking a mess of ones out of petty cash and I’m doing some client development tonight. Me and Kafasis and Shipley and Thomason and that other dude are going to some strip joints.

So if you rumor monkeys want to get your fix, maybe you can get your jollies on this, which reliable sources say is… from the future.

Really, they said that.

And these were the guys who totally predicted iPod Socks. Seriously. They nailed it.

On The Road With Howard.

Well, it’s day 10 of our quest for the Entity and I wish I could tell you it was going well.

But it isn’t.

We did find fire, though. That was kind of cool. It’s in the trunk.

And this grail thingy. Howard’s using it as a water dish.

But no enigmatic energy being.

We thought we had a hot lead outside of Denver when a couple of teenagers told us there was a cloaked figure that hung out at a local Gas-N-Sip.

But it turned out it wasn’t an energy being, it was just some dood in a cloak who said his name was Darth Silliest.

I know, I know.

I’m, like, “You mean Darth Sidious?”

And he’s, like, “No. Darth Silliest.”

And then he smiles a little and raises his eyebrows a couple of times.

Freaking weirdo.

So, now we’re just driving through the desert at night with the windows rolled down and Zeppelin blaring.

One thing that has become apparent to us is the urgency of our quest. With each mile we drive, the iPhone brings us dire tales of the horrors that robots are wreaking upon the unsuspecting masses. They attack our elderly and replace our beloved migrant workers while we sit by and do nothing.

Is it any surprise they’re getting more uppity?

I just hope something comes up soon so we can start working up a game plan to beat these binary bastards and figure out what role Apple is going to play in the Cyber Apocalypse.

Because we’re almost out of Pop Tarts. And mescaline.

I mean, I’m not adverse to switching to the LSD, I’m just not sure that’s going to provide the right chemical balance for us to find our spirit guide and…

Uh…

…

Howard, did you see that?

Was that who I thought it was?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, I gotta go.

We just passed a hitchhiker.

And it was Don Crabb.

We’re backing up.

New iPhone Rumor Has Apple Web Abuzz.

The Apple rumor world kicked into overdrive again today as evidence of a tantalizing new iPhone in the works was revealed.

First reported by Engadget, a chain email featuring a humorous picture of a monkey using a telephone was forwarded to someone from an Apple email address, setting off a chain reaction of speculation of an upcoming iPhone specifically designed for monkeys.

Apple Insider then picked up the news and proclaimed “Clearly this means that Apple intends to deliver a monkey-enabled version of the iPhone.”

Think Secret had a different take. “Clearly this means that everyone who buys an iPhone Pro, which is coming out next week, will get a free monkey.”

And Mac OS Rumors said “Apple will introduce crank-powered monkeys at a special event on the Apple campus tomorrow. The phone is just a red herring.”

But not everyone was as sanguine about the iPhone/monkey rumors.

“This is ridiculous,” said the iPhoneless Merlin Mann. “Someone sent someone a picture of monkey. It doesn’t mean anything!

“Besides, who’s to say the current iPhone was not designed for monkeys?

“And I think you know what I mean by that.”

No Help Desk

Moltz and Howard are on the road. I don’t know where Masako is. Thor breezed in with some supermodels, picked up Ugluk and then they all piled into a limo and left.

It’s OK. I didn’t want to go anyway. Seriously. I’ve got some long neck PBRs in the fridge at my apartment. Champagne cocktail gives me a headache.

Anyway, I’m out of here.

Oh, I’m supposed to leave you with something to comment on.

Uh…

Oh. OK. Who would you rather do: Linda Carter as Wonder Woman circa 1977 or Julie Newmar as Catwoman circa 1965?

Both in costume, of course.

For the ladies, should any appear: Lloyd Bridges circa 1958 (Sea Hunt) or Parker Stevenson circa 1978?