On The Road With Howard.

Well, it’s day 10 of our quest for the Entity and I wish I could tell you it was going well.

But it isn’t.

We did find fire, though. That was kind of cool. It’s in the trunk.

And this grail thingy. Howard’s using it as a water dish.

But no enigmatic energy being.

We thought we had a hot lead outside of Denver when a couple of teenagers told us there was a cloaked figure that hung out at a local Gas-N-Sip.

But it turned out it wasn’t an energy being, it was just some dood in a cloak who said his name was Darth Silliest.

I know, I know.

I’m, like, “You mean Darth Sidious?”

And he’s, like, “No. Darth Silliest.”

And then he smiles a little and raises his eyebrows a couple of times.

Freaking weirdo.

So, now we’re just driving through the desert at night with the windows rolled down and Zeppelin blaring.

One thing that has become apparent to us is the urgency of our quest. With each mile we drive, the iPhone brings us dire tales of the horrors that robots are wreaking upon the unsuspecting masses. They attack our elderly and replace our beloved migrant workers while we sit by and do nothing.

Is it any surprise they’re getting more uppity?

I just hope something comes up soon so we can start working up a game plan to beat these binary bastards and figure out what role Apple is going to play in the Cyber Apocalypse.

Because we’re almost out of Pop Tarts. And mescaline.

I mean, I’m not adverse to switching to the LSD, I’m just not sure that’s going to provide the right chemical balance for us to find our spirit guide and…

Uh…

…

Howard, did you see that?

Was that who I thought it was?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, I gotta go.

We just passed a hitchhiker.

And it was Don Crabb.

We’re backing up.

28 thoughts on “On The Road With Howard.”

  3. And I won’t be on the road for another week and a half.
    And even then I won’t be looking for no Entity — this job I’ll leave to the professionals.

    meow

  8. Don Crabb.

    Frickin’ Don Crabb!

    THIS! THIS is why I read CARS.

    Because you help me believe I’m not a freak by mentioning beloved, familiar names. Doing it in loving, honorary ways just makes me love you more. Don would be pleased.

  9. Yes! The much envied number ten post!
    Don’t believe the myths! LSD will provide you with all the hallucinigenics a growing boy needs!

  10. John, ask Don Crabb if he’s seen Douglas Adams. He still owes me thruppence.

    Also say hello to Jimi and Janis and Elvis. Thanx.

  11. Fire Bad… FIRE BAD!!!!!

    I believe Darth Silliest had the Holy Hand Grenade that you will needed to flush out the Entity from his elusive hiding place. Better go back and give him some spam spam spam spam eggs bacon spam spam and spam, in return for the HHG.

  15. You know, it should probably concern me somewhat that John is headed in my general direction.

    Or is it just me?

    My Pantsâ„¢ tell me as long as eye contact isn’t made, I should be ok.
    Go figure.

  17. John,
    I am leaving Colorado, heading east for Virginia. Rumors are abound that Mac the Knife was seen scribbling tasty rumors on rest area bathroom walls. Something about Carlos Castaneda and the proper use of peyote in lieu of mescaline / LSD along with a the ENERGY of the magual.

    Give it a try while you are out in the desert! It’ll aid you in your quest.

  18. Howard’s not a bloodhound, is he? ‘Cause that might help, being able to track The Entity …
    I have faith in you! You will find The Entity! (i hope)

  19. With the detailed back up reporting this post puts CARS ahead of NBC, ABC, and CBS in the credibility polls here in 90210.

    Is the Pulitzer next?

  20. When you start seeing departed Mac journalistic icons hitchhiking it’s a safe bet you’re already on your spirit quest. I’d say subbing the LSD for mescaline isn’t a problem since the latter is subbing for peyote anyway.

    Not only should you ask Don about DNA, but MtK, and Jack Miller too.

    What? Miller’s still alive? In Branson, MO?

    Did. Not. Know. That.

  22. No one in Branson, MO is alive. Taken over by pod people in the 50’s. No, not iPod people! This is a serious national concern,,,has been since Eisenhower. Poor Jack. No wonder I’ve been waiting for my AtAt XL mock turtleneck for over a year.
    Might be a good place for a singularity to hide out though. John, you may want to restock and turn around.

  23. And when you find this singularity, please don’t mistake it with the spirit of Hunter S. Thompson.

    He was all lit-up too, ya know. They’d be hard to tell apart, him and Entity 2.0 beta.

    OOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  24. Man, I remember getting MacWeek and reading Don Crabb’s stuff. Hard to believe he’s been gone for seven(ish) years.

    OR HAS HE??!

  25. Pfeww…
    Robots.
    Not even eatable.
    Disgusting cans full of nothing.

    I don’t talk about SexBots, of course, they’re nice.

  27. Whatever you do, don’t try to tempt the Entity with a tainted bag of LSD. It knows!

Comments are closed.