John Moltz – Editor In Chief
The son of poor Oklahoma sharecroppers, John and his family were forced off their land in the 1930s and set out for California in a vain attempt to find work. No, wait, that was Tom Joad in the Grapes of Wrath. John Moltz was born in a Connecticut suburb and spent his formative years developing a strong moral foundation by watching lots of television. Consequently, he has the attention span of a common house fly and has dabbled in several trades and hobbies without mastering any of them. The founder of Crazy Apple Rumors Site, John has a passion for the Macintosh and currently owns eight Macs. While he doesn’t see a problem with that, some members of his family feel it’s time for an intervention. John enjoys racquetball, skiing and all night sessions of networked Myth II. But don’t get your hopes up, ladies. He’s married.
The Entity – Financier
Not much is known of the Entity, other than he pays the bills around here and is addicted to Baked Lays potato chips (he prefers the Barbecue style, but will eat the regular). Taking the form of a floating black cloak concealing some form of energy, the Entity rarely shows up at the CARS office. When he does, he usually sweeps in unannounced and demands some obscure change in punctuation on a story. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, no one knows where the Entity has come from or why he has come here to sponsor Crazy Apple Rumors Site. There are several theories, however. Chet swears he saw him filling out a form entitled “Rigellian Tax Authority Form 1044b – Deductions For Working With Lower Life Forms.” John will tell you about a pamphlet he saw on his desk called “So, You Have To Do Community Service In The 4th Dimension.” Whatever his shadowy agenda, he keeps us in coffee and Krispy Kremes and that’s good enough for us.
UPDATE: The Entity was sucked out of this universe and returned in a new form: that of the utterly edible Jennifer fricking Connelly. It happens. Really. I know this other energy being that came back as Charles Nelson Rielly. We just, um, got lucky.
Thor Samson – Columnist
His name rolls trippingly off the tongue. His deeds are legendary. His sinewy biceps glisten with a fine oil. Both a mover and a shaker, Thor Samson is as equally comfortable using a Mac as he is with any of the deadly arts. Renowned for his ability to speak with trees, he is equally fluent in 17 human languages, including several forms of Cherokee that are no longer actively spoken. A close, personal friend of all the Apple executives, Thor covers the “high society” beat for CARS. He also has his own line of fine sandwich meats and a series of car dealerships up and down the New England seaboard.
Chet MacGruder – Reporter
Born and raised in Redmond, Wash., Chet is considered a disgrace to his family, all of whom now work at Microsoft, including the family cat, Mr. Wiggles. It’s not the fact that he’s a Mac user or that he works at this site that bothers them. It’s the fact that he wears black socks with sneakers and shorts. Despite his bad fashion sense, Chet is quite successful with the ladies and is currently dating one Emily Lewis. A Technical Writer at Apple, Emily regularly has access to the stuff we so desperately want access to (and we’re not talking about Chet). But don’t worry, Chet’s journalistic integrity is still intact. She’s not telling him squat.
Ugluk – Contributing Reporter
Searching for mammoth in the frozen Canadian north during the last ice age, Ugluk became encased in ice and remained in suspended animation until the dual USB iBooks were released. We’re not really sure if the two events are related, but it’s an interesting coincidence, as Ugluk has turned into an avid iBook user. It fits his nomadic lifestyle – always on the move, looking for game – and he’s even used it to club some smaller animals to death. And once when the power adapter was acting up, he used it to make fire. Ooh, you should have seen him hoot! Originally thought to be Cro-Magnon (lesson learned: don’t use cut-rate anthropologists), Ugluk is probably a Neanderthal because he’s… well, he’s got this bear-worship thing going on. But we have a big tent here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site, so we’re not judging.
Masako Yamamoto – Web Designer
Masako’s claim to fame (apart from being the only one around here with any talent) is having won the 1996 All-Japan Marathon Championship. To this day she still prefers it to any other computer game and keeps a small arsenal of older Macs running System 7.6 with vintage Marathon installs and third party maps, along with some she designed herself. While the idea of a woman who plays computer games may seem like a dream come true, forget about it. First of all, she’d just kick your ass and second she plays for the other team, if you know what I mean. Um, no, I don’t mean the Phfor. I mean she likes women. Are you thick, or something?
Howard, the Talking Dog – Photographer
Howard’s a real team player who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “Down!” Some may question the intelligence in hiring a dog as a photographer and, sure, he has no opposable thumbs, but his portfolio entitled “Things I’ve Rolled In” really won us over. Howard’s hobbies include gnawing at fleas and climbing up onto the break room table, eating all the sugar packets and then hurling them back up in the middle of the staff meeting. While he can talk, he is still a dog after all. Mostly Labrador Retriever, Howard has a certain je ne sais quoi that some ascribe to just a hint of Wheaton Terrier.