Archive for May, 2002

20 MayNew iBooks Crunchy On The Outside, Soft In The Middle.

Apple today announced new iBooks in speeds ranging up to 700 Mhz. With a larger cache, more powerful graphics processor and new video out port, the iBooks also reportedly consist of a candy-coated shell and creamy nougat center.

“Iffs derishious!” said Macworld magazine Editor Rick LePage, in between bites.

His mouth still full of thick, rich nougat, LePage added “I can’t berief I’m eatun a fufteen hunner dollar laptup! Thiff if gonna be an expensuff habbot!”

Apple Senior Designer Jonathan Ive says an edible iBook was the logical extension of the diminutive laptop’s design.

“The jump from lickable software to edible hardware just made sense,” Ive explained. “Looking at the old iBook’s white plastic lid, I realized that you could achieve the same visual effect and structural rigidity with crystallized sugar. The internal components were more difficult, but our engineers were up to the task.”

Jon Rubinstein, Apple Vice President for Hardware Engineering, did not share Ive’s nonchalance.

“Do you have any idea how low the electrical conductivity of nougat is?” Rubinstein moaned. “Really frickin’ low. We’re just lucky Motorola had already designed an edible G3 for some government project.”

“Frankly, Jonathan Ive can bite me and the whole hardware division.”

Apple believes the edible iBook will be the company’s most profitable product yet.

“The margins are pretty low,” Apple CFO Fred Anderson said, “but once you eat it, it’s gone – you’ve got to go buy a new one.”

Anderson was beside himself when asked about how the new iBooks were expected to fair in schools, where they are already popular.

“Kids can’t resist a delicious sugary treat!” Anderson exclaimed. “We’re going to sell a bazillion of these!”

The new iBooks are not a hit with everyone, however. Parents’ groups, as well as the American Dental Association, have already asked that Apple pull the laptop from the market.

In a statement released this afternoon, the ADA complained that the new iBook poses “the most serious threat to healthy dental hygiene since the giant Pixie stick”.

In related news, Hal Grenman, President of the Pixie Stick Manufacturers Association of America, said “Better luck next time, Apple! We’re still number one!”

14 MayApple Executives Selling Stock, Buying Puppy.

According to documents filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last several weeks, three senior Apple executives are seeking to sell blocks of company stock totaling roughly $19.5 million. This action has prompted rampant speculation as to their motive for selling the stock. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned from sources close to the executives that they intend to pool their resources to buy a puppy.

Apple Senior Vice President for Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller indicated that Senior Vice President for Applications Sina Tamaddon, Chief Financial Officer Fred Anderson and General Counsel Nancy Heinen are involved in the puppy-buying plan.

“I think this is a big mistake,” Schiller said. “I told them that a puppy is a huge responsibility that you can’t just throw $19.5 million at. Who’s going to feed it? Who’s going to walk it? These three don’t have the first clue as to what it takes to care for a dog.”

Shaking his head, Schiller added “I just see this ending badly.”

Tamaddon, Anderson and Heinen seem oblivious to the obvious pitfalls of dog ownership.

“He’s going to be my bestest pal,” Anderson said. “I’m going to teach him all kinds of tricks like how to fetch… and how to catch a Frisbee and… and… yeah. It’s gonna be great.”

Tamaddon expressed a similar sentiment and even went so far as to predict the puppy would like him better than the other two Apple executives. “My neighbor has a dog that likes me a lot,” Tamaddon said, “so I know this puppy’s going to really like me.”

Compounding the inherent problems with the puppy-buying plan are major disagreements over who will get the puppy when and even what to name the puppy.

Anderson, who brings $10.4 million of the $19.5 million to the table, feels he should have the coveted weekend days with the puppy, based on his larger financial stake. Tamaddon and Heinen feel weekend access to the puppy should be handled on a rotational basis.

Tamaddon prefers the name “Barky”, while Anderson likes “Scratch” and Heinen favors “Poochie”.

“They haven’t even realized yet that they need to pick a breed,” an exasperated Phil Schiller said. “I can tell Nancy thinks this is going to be a toy dog and Sina and Fred are thinking more like a Golden Retriever. They’re on completely different pages.”

Schiller indicated that Apple CEO Steve Jobs has even tried to talk the executives out of the plan. However, when he broached the subject at a staff meeting, the three began yelling “Puppy! Yeah, puppy! Hurray!” before Jobs could even begin to state his case.

Schiller believes that there is still a good chance the puppy-buying plan will fail to materialize.

“The last time I talked to Nancy she said something about how what she really wanted was a kitten,” Schiller said. “We just need to get them off this puppy subject.”

“We’re all going to Disneyland for Memorial Day. Maybe that will distract them.”