New Patent Filing Highly Revealing.

The Apple community is abuzz with news of a fascinating patent application the company filed for a laptop docking station which includes some extremely interesting concept drawings.

Whether this concept will ever reach production or not, there is one thing these drawings make clear: Apple is hiring seizure-prone elderly shut-ins to draw its patent art.

While declining to speak about the patent itself, Apple did admit that it was part of a California state program that finds employment for seniors.

“This is a fabulous program and we’re proud to be a part of it, said CEO Steve Jobs, who spoke to us by phone because of the robot blockade of One Infinite Loop.

“The single biggest benefit to us is that no one believes a word the elderly say,” Jobs said.

“Whether it’s ‘I fought the Kaiser, you know!’ or ‘Many a gentleman caller I had in my day!’ or ‘Apple’s working on an ultra-light laptop that docks into an iMac!’, their care-givers are just going to nod, roll their eyes and keep trying to shove Jell-O into their mouths.”

Jobs went on to note that when you add in the fact that their children never come to visit them and they’ll soon be dead, Apple’s secrets have never been safer.

“The Egyptians used to blind those who saw their designs. This is the next best thing. Actually, it may be better.”

In unrelated news, the AARP initiated a lawsuit against Apple today.

It really is unrelated. They think the scroll wheel on the nano is too “dag burned” small.

Mac Market Share Hits 7.3%.

Good news for Apple as, according to Net Applications, Mac market share has hit 7.3%.

While this is indisputably laudable, digging deeper into the data reveals some interesting side-analysis.

  • Since Net Applications’ estimate is based on browser use, it may understate the Mac’s market share as many Mac owners always buy an extra unit to keep mint in the box.
  • Despite what many would expect, Linux was fourth rather than third. The third place system? The ENIAC. Seriously. It’s true. I’m not shitting you. Sounds incredible, I know, but there it is.
  • The Mac’s market share may be further understated as Net Applications consolidated its data on a Wednesday and that’s when comic books come out.
  • According to Net Applications, Mac users really like to surf porn sites. So do Windows users. Linux users, for some reason, tend to frequent porn sites with difficult to use interfaces, resulting in further frustration. Further because they’re already Linux users.
  • While the Mac’s market share is still a distant second to Windows, the data clearly shows that Mac users surf betterer than Windows users.
  • There are still people using Cyberdog. What the fuck, people?!

Apple declined to comment for this story since they were surrounded by fricking robots.

New iMacs Have Interesting Feature.

Apple announced new iMacs today that feature a remarkable new design. As other sites have reported, the iMacs feature all-new aluminum enclosures, slim keyboards and can be configured with up to a terabyte of storage.

But what you may not have read on other sites is that not only are the new iMacs startlingly thin, they are actually two-dimensional.

The reason Apple neglected to emphasize this in its presentation may have something to do with a small warning at the bottom of the new iMac’s web page: “The effect of seeing the iMac disappear as you move around it can be quite startling. Users should be warned that it may frighten horses or induce labor in pregnant women.”

Another negative consequence of this amazing design is that putting a disk into the SuperDrive can be quite a challenge.

“The drive slot actually exists in N space,” said Macworld managing editor Jason Snell. “So, you have to wiggle the disk just right to bend space ever so slightly so it will load.

“Don’t get your hand in there, though. You’ll get sucked down to two dimensions and shot into N space. That’ll leave a mark. Unless you’re some kind of, I dunno, energy being or something.”

As an interesting side note to the new iMac’s specifications, the new Mac mini apparently does not occupy any physical space in our dimension at all, as CEO Steve Jobs decided it just wasn’t worth mentioning.

Agenda For Tomorrow's Presentation.

After the first seven months of the year were focused on the iPhone, excited Mac fans welcomed the news that tomorrow’s announcements by Apple would return the focus to their beloved platform.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received an agenda for tomorrow’s presentation and the Mac? Not so much.

  1. Introduction. Discuss the highly successful iPhone launch.
  2. Bring out the iPhone and demo the Multitouch interface.
  3. Conduct a demo call with Phil Schiller, who’s in a straight jacket hanging from his ankles over a drunken and sexually aroused Barbara Walters.
  4. Conference in Jony Ive who tearfully reveals he’s a snackaholic.
  5. Discuss the relationship with AT&T and allow Stan Sigman… all… the time… he… wants.
  6. Bring out the iPhone again and demand that everyone present pay homage to it.
  7. Show everyone the iPhone interface again to demonstrate the iPhone’s complete dominion over them.
  8. Lead everyone in 15 minutes of cheering “iPhone! Yay, iPhone!”
  9. Conclude by releasing the hounds and having them chase the heathens from the temple.

Furthermore, according to sources, Apple will not only be discontinuing the Mac, but will be sending representatives to the home of each Mac user to deliver a kick to the groin.

Everybody Totally Wrong About New iMacs.

Many irresponsible sources have been spreading a lot of erroneous information about the iMacs to be announced next Tuesday and Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to set the record straight.

For starters, contrary to popular belief, they will not be aluminum and they will not feature thin, laptop-style keyboards. Clearly people referencing these specs have simply been having feverish dreams after using their MacBook Pros.

Some have stated as fact that these iMacs will feature Apple’s patented pudding over IP technology. This is false. It’s absurd. Preposterous. Everyone knows pudding over IP will appear first in the new Mac Pros that will be announced at Macworld.

Furthermore, several sites have reported that the 2007 iMacs will be hand-crafted by Nepalese virgins from the finest sandalwood. Wrong. That’s the iPhone rev. 2.

Finally, there’s absolutely no truth to the rumors that when Steve Jobs unveils them, the new iMacs will be covered in a protoplasmic ooze that is a by-product of the process by which new Apple products are born from his body.

They’re totally going to clean that stuff off before Tuesday’s event.


Like they’d leave Steve goop all over them.

As if.