Apple Revokes Panic Developer License

Apple has quietly revoked the developer license of long-time Mac and iOS software maker Panic, known for award-winning applications such as Transmit and widely praised games like Firewatch.

Panic co-founder Cabel Sasser said “We are attempting to contact Apple for more information. For the time being, customers can still install our apps on the Mac by allowing them to be installed as unsigned. We apologize for any inconvenience and we hope to have this situation, which we assume to be a misunderstanding, sorted out soon.”

Sources within Apple, however, indicate Panic may have a larger problem than it realizes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company’s license was pulled at the behest of none other than the Chinese government. China has recently flexed its muscle with U.S. firms — from the NBA to other software developers — and apparently objects to one recent Panic app in particular.

“Untitled Goose Game represents a clear and present threat to Chinese sovereignty,” said Yang Cheung, a spokesperson for the Chinese government.

Gesturing to a video of Untitled Goose Game gameplay, Cheung explained.

“The goose is a lawless force of rampant anti-nationalism. It encourages violence against the state and disrespects authority.”

“Look at him!” Cheung said. “He is disgraceful! The gardener is hard-working, a paragon of agricultural values. And what does the goose do? He steals his rake! He steals his radio, so he cannot listen to China National broadcasts. He locks him out of the garden, denying him of his livelihood! The goose is obviously a counter-revolutionary bent on nothing but anarchy.”

“He even steals the bell, which is used to ring out the victory of the people over the enemies of the state. Assuming you can figure out how to get into the model town area, which I found to be unnecessarily difficult.”

“Also, we don’t like the name ‘Panic’. It seems intended to cause unrest within the citizenry.”

Apple has so far declined to comment on the license revocation, but it did pull at its collar with one finger and grimace uncomfortably.

Apple identifies cause of MacBook keyboard problems

Ahead of tomorrow’s iPhone event, Apple has issued a blog post in which it attempts to lay to rest the controversy over keyboard woes associated with its MacBook line.

Much like its recent response to Google over the company’s release of details regarding an exploit of iOS, Apple has a pointed response to those who have complained about MacBook keyboards.

After months of research into complaints about butterfly keyboards on the 2016-2019 MacBook Pro and 2018 and 2019 MacBook Air, we have reached a conclusion. Complaints can uniformly be traced back to a single cause: excessive nose-picking by the user as they used the device.

Reached for comment, Apple Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio was unequivocal.

“We investigated each and every case where a complaint was filed about MacBook keyboards and found that in each one the user was a dirty nose-picker.”

According Riccio, dried or wet mucus material falling from the noses of these filthy users would become lodged under the keys creating a viscous material that rendered keys inoperative. Riccio stressed the scientific rigor with which Apple approached the issue.

“We really did a deep dive. Much like the deep nasal diving these disgusting people were doing while leaning over their keyboards.”

Apple declined to release the data behind its findings, but Riccio said it was eye-opening for him.

“Some of the nose-picking was because of a condition but so much of it was simply recreational. There was just a ludicrous amount of nose-picking going on. Some users were even picking each nostril with both hands at the same time. They weren’t even typing. One guy was picking the left nostril with his right hand and his right nostril with his left hand. I didn’t even know that was possible.

“I mean, I don’t have to do my own nose-picking, of course. I have a guy. But, still.”

Riccio shook his head grimly.

“Savages. Just savages.”

Noted butterfly keyboard hater Marco Arment shot back at Apple.

“Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t picked my nose since 1992,” Arment said. “And yet every butterfly MacBook keyboard I’ve used has exploded on contact. Explain that.”

This argument may soon be moot as Apple is widely expected to be replacing the butterfly mechanism in the next generation of MacBooks. Sources close to Apple’s laptop engineering team tell CARS that Apple next-generation keyboard will feature a tantalizing new key mechanism known as “fairy wings”.

New Patent Filing Highly Revealing.

The Apple community is abuzz with news of a fascinating patent application the company filed for a laptop docking station which includes some extremely interesting concept drawings.

Whether this concept will ever reach production or not, there is one thing these drawings make clear: Apple is hiring seizure-prone elderly shut-ins to draw its patent art.

While declining to speak about the patent itself, Apple did admit that it was part of a California state program that finds employment for seniors.

“This is a fabulous program and we’re proud to be a part of it, said CEO Steve Jobs, who spoke to us by phone because of the robot blockade of One Infinite Loop.

“The single biggest benefit to us is that no one believes a word the elderly say,” Jobs said.

“Whether it’s ‘I fought the Kaiser, you know!’ or ‘Many a gentleman caller I had in my day!’ or ‘Apple’s working on an ultra-light laptop that docks into an iMac!’, their care-givers are just going to nod, roll their eyes and keep trying to shove Jell-O into their mouths.”

Jobs went on to note that when you add in the fact that their children never come to visit them and they’ll soon be dead, Apple’s secrets have never been safer.

“The Egyptians used to blind those who saw their designs. This is the next best thing. Actually, it may be better.”

In unrelated news, the AARP initiated a lawsuit against Apple today.

It really is unrelated. They think the scroll wheel on the nano is too “dag burned” small.

Mac Market Share Hits 7.3%.

Good news for Apple as, according to Net Applications, Mac market share has hit 7.3%.

While this is indisputably laudable, digging deeper into the data reveals some interesting side-analysis.

  • Since Net Applications’ estimate is based on browser use, it may understate the Mac’s market share as many Mac owners always buy an extra unit to keep mint in the box.
  • Despite what many would expect, Linux was fourth rather than third. The third place system? The ENIAC. Seriously. It’s true. I’m not shitting you. Sounds incredible, I know, but there it is.
  • The Mac’s market share may be further understated as Net Applications consolidated its data on a Wednesday and that’s when comic books come out.
  • According to Net Applications, Mac users really like to surf porn sites. So do Windows users. Linux users, for some reason, tend to frequent porn sites with difficult to use interfaces, resulting in further frustration. Further because they’re already Linux users.
  • While the Mac’s market share is still a distant second to Windows, the data clearly shows that Mac users surf betterer than Windows users.
  • There are still people using Cyberdog. What the fuck, people?!

Apple declined to comment for this story since they were surrounded by fricking robots.

New iMacs Have Interesting Feature.

Apple announced new iMacs today that feature a remarkable new design. As other sites have reported, the iMacs feature all-new aluminum enclosures, slim keyboards and can be configured with up to a terabyte of storage.

But what you may not have read on other sites is that not only are the new iMacs startlingly thin, they are actually two-dimensional.

The reason Apple neglected to emphasize this in its presentation may have something to do with a small warning at the bottom of the new iMac’s web page: “The effect of seeing the iMac disappear as you move around it can be quite startling. Users should be warned that it may frighten horses or induce labor in pregnant women.”

Another negative consequence of this amazing design is that putting a disk into the SuperDrive can be quite a challenge.

“The drive slot actually exists in N space,” said Macworld managing editor Jason Snell. “So, you have to wiggle the disk just right to bend space ever so slightly so it will load.

“Don’t get your hand in there, though. You’ll get sucked down to two dimensions and shot into N space. That’ll leave a mark. Unless you’re some kind of, I dunno, energy being or something.”

As an interesting side note to the new iMac’s specifications, the new Mac mini apparently does not occupy any physical space in our dimension at all, as CEO Steve Jobs decided it just wasn’t worth mentioning.