Category: Staff Picks

Weeks before January’s Macworld 2006, it now appears that Apple is up to something.

While details of what it is exactly the company is up to have yet to solidify, it has become apparent through the company’s actions that it is something big. According to sources, all of the company’s employees have been acting particularly shifty recently – more so than usual.

“I was at the gas station on De Anza Blvd. the other night late,” said Cupertino resident Scott Lennox. “And Phil Schiller pulls up and starts filling up his Lamborghini. I knew it was Schiller immediately because it had a bumper sticker on it that said ‘My other car is a Zamboni.’

“Anyway, he’s filling up his car and the whole time he’s looking over his shoulder. Like this.”

Lennox then demonstrated what someone looking over his shoulder might look like.

“You know, where the chin turns parallel to the shoulders and the eyes look behind. Like this.”

Lennox repeated the demonstration, despite the relative simplicity of the concept he was attempting to convey.

As annoying as Lennox’s testimony was, however, his story of shiftiness by Apple executives was corroborated by others.

“Steve Jobs was in here Tuesday,” said Angelica Nalley, owner of Grains-N-Things, a local vegan restaurant. “He ordered a plate of bulgar with a side of plain tofu and the whole time he was waiting his eyes kept darting back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

“He was totally up to something. Totally.”

Neither Lennox or Nalley were able to provide insights into what it is that Apple is up to.

But Charley Sloan, a deliverer for an international shipping firm, claims to have delivered a small cardboard box to Apple that caused some uneasiness.

“The woman who signed for it was perspiring slightly. I remember it distinctly because it was quite cool out. So I think it has something to do with something that would fit into a small cardboard box.

“You should check into that.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but did squint and look about suspiciously.

Concerned Apple employees report today that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jonathan Rubinstein will not get off a coin-operated rocket ship ride outside of the Cupertino Safeway.

“Jon has a bag full of quarters and I think he means to go through them all, said a worried Apple staffer.

“Yee-hah!” yelled an exuberant Rubinstein, throwing his hands in the air while being rocked back and forth at an almost glacial pace by the ride. “Wee-hoo! Wha-ha! Yeah! Yeah!”

A group of Apple employees had gathered to witness the scene.

“Is it a call for help?” mused one engineer.

“He certainly does make it look fun,” observed another.

Several of Rubinstein’s peers soon arrived and attempted to talk down the man responsible for what is arguably the hottest product in Apple’s history.

“JON,” said Apple Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian through a megaphone, despite the fact he was standing just feet away from him.

“JON, THIS IS AVIE. I KNOW WE HAVEN’T ALWAYS SEEN EYE TO EYE ON EVERYTHING. LIKE COLD PASTA SALAD. I THINK IT’S STUPID. PASTA SHOULD BE HOT. YOU SEEM TO LIKE IT. I DON’T KNOW. IT’S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT DON’T SHOW UP ON STANDARDIZED PERSONALITY TESTS.

“BUT WE NEED TO PUT ALL THAT BEHIND US NOW, JON! YOU NEED TO COME DOWN FROM THERE AND START LIVING YOUR LIFE AGAIN! LIVE, JON! LI-”

“Give me that!” shouted an impatient Senior Vice President of Software Sina Tamaddon. “I’ll get him down.”

“JON… YOU COME DOWN FROM THAT SPACE SHIP RIGHT NOW! SOME OF REST OF US WANT A RIDE! YOU’RE BEING VERY SELFISH, JON! VEEEERY SELFISH!”

“You idiots!” snapped Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen, snatching the megaphone out of Tamaddon’s hand.

“JON… JON, COME DOWN. I’M A WOMAN WITH NEEDS, JON. AND FOR SOME REASON SEEING YOU ASTRIDE THAT ROCKET…”

“Oh, stop it,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, taking the megaphone from Heinen.

“JON… LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. HAVE YOU… SEEN MY LUNCH? IT WAS IN A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE EXECUTIVE REFRIGERATOR. IT SAID ‘PHIL’ ON IT.

“NO? OK. I… I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE…”

All entreaties to Rubinstein proved ineffective, however. As of late this afternoon, Rubinstein was reportedly still on the ride and showing no signs of losing interest in it.

More updates as this volatile situation develops.

Just over two years after unloading stock to fund the purchase of a puppy, several senior Apple executives, now bored with the full-grown dog, are eyeing another purchase.

Having just recently cashed in more stock, CFO Fred Anderson, Senior Vice President of Applications Sina Tamaddon and General Counsel Nancy Heinen now have their sights set on a pony.

“I’m bored,” whined Tamaddon. “There’s nothing to do around here.”

Casting his eyes down and kicking lightly at one shoe with the other he added “But… but… if I had a pony, I… I could ride it and… and… that… that… would make me… not so bored.”

“I knew this would happen,” Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said. “Puppies are cute but they grow up to become dogs and then they’re not as much fun when you have to feed them and take them for walks and clean up their messes and give them a bath and pay for their heartworm medicine…”

Schiller let out a heavy sigh and went back to picking up toys that had been strewn about the executive conference room.

Without looking up he continued “And who gets to do all those things? The Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing gets to do all those things, that’s who!

“And who’s going to take care of a pony, I wonder. Hmm? Because I am not taking care of a pony!”

“I’d take care of it!” cried Anderson. “I would!”

Anderson then began vigorously petting the dog, Mr. Barksly, as if in evidence of his ability to care for an animal. Visibly uncomfortable with the ham-fisted attention, Mr. Barksly retired to the corner of the room, taking refuge under a chair.

But the three executives may have already set the bar too high for the pony experience.

“My pony is going to be magical and can fly and will also be a unicorn!” beamed Heinen.

“I’m going to get on him and just ride and ride and ride,” said Tamaddon.

Tears welling up in his eyes, he added “I’m going to keep on riding until I’m far away from here!”

Sobbing openly, Tamaddon ran from the room.

“I’m gonna feed him carrots!” said Anderson cheerfully, not seeming to notice Tamaddon’s outburst.

According to documents filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last several weeks, three senior Apple executives are seeking to sell blocks of company stock totaling roughly $19.5 million. This action has prompted rampant speculation as to their motive for selling the stock. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned from sources close to the executives that they intend to pool their resources to buy a puppy.

Apple Senior Vice President for Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller indicated that Senior Vice President for Applications Sina Tamaddon, Chief Financial Officer Fred Anderson and General Counsel Nancy Heinen are involved in the puppy-buying plan.

“I think this is a big mistake,” Schiller said. “I told them that a puppy is a huge responsibility that you can’t just throw $19.5 million at. Who’s going to feed it? Who’s going to walk it? These three don’t have the first clue as to what it takes to care for a dog.”

Shaking his head, Schiller added “I just see this ending badly.”

Tamaddon, Anderson and Heinen seem oblivious to the obvious pitfalls of dog ownership.

“He’s going to be my bestest pal,” Anderson said. “I’m going to teach him all kinds of tricks like how to fetch… and how to catch a Frisbee and… and… yeah. It’s gonna be great.”

Tamaddon expressed a similar sentiment and even went so far as to predict the puppy would like him better than the other two Apple executives. “My neighbor has a dog that likes me a lot,” Tamaddon said, “so I know this puppy’s going to really like me.”

Compounding the inherent problems with the puppy-buying plan are major disagreements over who will get the puppy when and even what to name the puppy.

Anderson, who brings $10.4 million of the $19.5 million to the table, feels he should have the coveted weekend days with the puppy, based on his larger financial stake. Tamaddon and Heinen feel weekend access to the puppy should be handled on a rotational basis.

Tamaddon prefers the name “Barky”, while Anderson likes “Scratch” and Heinen favors “Poochie”.

“They haven’t even realized yet that they need to pick a breed,” an exasperated Phil Schiller said. “I can tell Nancy thinks this is going to be a toy dog and Sina and Fred are thinking more like a Golden Retriever. They’re on completely different pages.”

Schiller indicated that Apple CEO Steve Jobs has even tried to talk the executives out of the plan. However, when he broached the subject at a staff meeting, the three began yelling “Puppy! Yeah, puppy! Hurray!” before Jobs could even begin to state his case.

Schiller believes that there is still a good chance the puppy-buying plan will fail to materialize.

“The last time I talked to Nancy she said something about how what she really wanted was a kitten,” Schiller said. “We just need to get them off this puppy subject.”

“We’re all going to Disneyland for Memorial Day. Maybe that will distract them.”

It’s not even half way through the school year, and already 4th grader Mark Averill is tired of Steve Wozniak’s stories of how he co-founded Apple Computer. Wozniak volunteers his time to work with children and support the computer environment in the Los Gatos, CA school district and often recounts his tales of the early days of Apple to eager audiences. But after three months of repetition, Wozniak’s stories are wearing thin, according to Averill.

“The first day of class, Ms. McReedy introduced us to Mr. Wozniak, and he told us the whole story about the garage and Xerox and the mouse,” a visibly bored Averill explained. “It was pretty interesting the first time around, but that was like, September.”

Since then, Wozniak has continued to repeat the same tales again and again. Fellow classmate Sabrena Harris agrees with Averill’s assessment.

“He’s nice enough and he helps out a lot with the computers but jeez…” Harris complained. “Last week we had a problem printing from the purple computer and the whole time he was working on it, he kept blabbing about the time he wrote the first printer driver for the Apple II.” Harris added “I just wanted to print my pony picture, not hear some dumb old-guy story about stuff that happened in the middle ages.”

When reached for comment, Wozniak appeared oblivious to the students’ reaction. “The kids love my stories!” Wozniak beamed. “The kids are great to work with and I think it’s good for them to have positive role models! Just the other day I chatted with an impromptu group for almost 3 hours after school. It’s rewarding to see them take their own time to learn about the early days of Apple.”

Wozniak’s enthusiasm was apparently not shared by the students involved in the “impromptu group”. According to sources within the 4th grade that did not wish to be identified, students were either under the impression that they were required to attend or simply felt uncomfortable asking to be allowed to leave.