Archive for October, 2002

11 OctPC Magazine Fulfills First Warning Sign Of The Cyber-Apocalypse.

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11 OctSatan Has .Mac Account

After revelations by Wired that Saddam Hussein’s son has a Microsoft .NET account in violation of U.S. law, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Satan, also known as Lucifer, the Father of Lies and the Adversary, has a .Mac account.

Apple officials were at a loss to explain how the Wicked One was able to obtain the account, but stressed that they did not expect to take any action to terminate it.

“Unlike what Microsoft has allowed to happen,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “there’s really no law against giving Satan a .Mac account. That’s more of an unwritten law.”

“Plus, uh, not a lot of people were willing to pay for .Mac, so we’ve kind of been taking what we can get.”

“I like to use it to post my pictures,” the Prince of Darkness said, pulling up his home page on his PowerBook. “See, here’s me during the Black Plague. Here’s me during the Spanish Inquisition. Here’s me in the Killing Fields in Cambodia. Here’s me at the Microsoft verdict.”

“Good times. Good times.”

Through means unknown to mortal men, Satan was able to obtain a PowerBook running at 666 MHz.

“For a while they were selling them running at 667 MHz, but I really wanted one running at exactly 666 MHz. I’m kind of particular that way.”

“And, what do you know, a few lies, a few enticements, and voila! The PowerBook of the Devil. The only problem is I have to make it last until they reach 666 GHz. Oh, well. Sucks to be me!”

Satan also indicated he uses .Mac to back up his evil data.

“Hell is an all-Windows shop and my IT minions won’t let me connect my PowerBook to the network,” the Son of Perdition explained. “I ought to just rip them into tiny pieces. Who are they to tell me what to do?”

“But, since I can’t get my machine backed up down here, Apple’s Backup application allows me to make sure my evil data is recoverable. I also use iCal to track when I have to claim a soul.”

“Ooh, which reminds me, I’ve gotta get going or I’ll be late to pick up, uh…”

Quickly consulting iCal, Beelzebub said “Steve Lyndhurst of 364 Maple Drive, Omaha, Nebraska.”

“See? This .Mac account is a life saver!”

“Ha! Well, unless you’re Steve Lyndhurst! Am I right?!”