Masako's Review

It finally hit me that I hadn’t done Masako’s annual review in… well, like, ever. So it seemed like as good a time as any to do it now.

My policy is, “Annual reviews every two years whether they’re needed or not!”

In thinking about her performance since we opened shop, it suddenly hit me that she had promised CARS 2.0 back in December of 2002.

I have got to start keeping track of stuff like that ’cause otherwise it’s just “lies my employees tell me.”

Once I did remember it, I decided I had to make something of an issue of it on her review. I mean, I can’t fault her completely. It does get kind of crazy around here some times… with the robots and the sexbots and the flying monkeys and the alien invasions and the yelling and screaming and the hay-nonny-nonny.

And I didn’t want to make her cry. I hate it when women cry. I hate it when anyone cries, really.

Although, I’m kind of used to Chet crying.


Anyway, I said “Leibschen, you’ve got to at least commit to a set of features.” and she did.

And nooooooooo, there won’t be any pictures of Masako nude. Just stop asking, already. Sheesh.

We will, however, continue to feature pictures of Howard nude. That is our solemn commitment to you, the reader.

Hot, hot, animal nudity. We’ve got some pictures of squirrels you wouldn’t believe.

So, Masako vowed to deliver the following:

1 – The index page will have the last 20 entries, so you won’t have to sift through the archives to find a recent post that contains information vital to your existence (“DO NOT BREATH AMONIA!” – CARS, 12/24/2003).

2 – Finally, a fricking logo (what the hell took us so long?!), featuring Crazy Apple Rumors Site’s very own the Entity!

3 – Categories! Want to easily access all the Help Desk entries for their valuable information on working with Apple products and disturbingly frequent sexual innuendo? Now you can!

And last, but not least… uh, boy…


God help us all.

Well, we’ll just see if you can handle the privilege. I’m fairly certain I know the answer to that question.

Look for these to appear within the next few weeks.

As for the rest of her review, well, I think it’s against our human resources guidelines and several state labor laws for me to discuss it here…

Oh, what the hell.

OK, see, she’s a little reclusive and moody at times so she only got three smiley faces out of five for “Works and plays well with others”, but she was off the chart in “Actual talent”. There were some complaints from co-workers about the eight days she spent in 2003 huddled in the corner cutting paper dolls out of a Cocoa programming book. And then there’s all the laughing out of context.

I may have mentioned this before but… you know… I think… I think she might be a little nuts.

Well, whatever.

We need the eggs.