Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
ANGRY SCOTSMAN: Ah canna believe I went up against that great poof yestahday! It’s an embarrassment tha Angry Scotsman has na’er had ta endoor baffor! Next time, send a man ta face me, not some littal gurl who’s gonna go cryin’ home ta his mamma when he doosn’t win!
A: Uh, well, look, the Highly Effeminate Half-Orc had some good points and I think…
ANGRY SCOTSMAN: Not him, yah neetwit! Ahm talkin’ ’bout that Chet MacGroodah! Ah played ‘im in a game o’ networked Halo and ah gave ‘im a right drubbin’! Sent him packin’ ah did! Yah shoold’ve seen tha tears flowin’! He’s givin’ a bad name tah tha Scots, he is!
A: Oh. I… thought… you were talking about the Highly Effeminate…
ANGRY SCOTSMAN: Ach, nooo! He and I are meetin’ later tah goo down ta tha shoops. He’s gunna teach me ’bout accessorizin’!
ANGRY SCOTSMAN: Doon’t give me that toon! Sometimes… tha Angry Scotsman joost likes tah… know ‘e’s lookin’ ‘is best! Case ‘e runs into that pritty lass works down at factory…
A: Oh, Angry Scotsman…
ANGRY SCOTSMAN: AH SAID DOON’T GIVE ME THAT TOON!
A: Er… sorry.
CHET MACGRUDER: For the record, I would like to point out that…
A: Chet… [sigh]… you can’t be a caller.
CHET MACGRUDER: I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT that I was not crying. I have allergies. Allergies! And the Angry Scotsman is a stupid… camper… who… cheats… and…
A: Chet… nobody cares. And you can’t be a caller!
CHET MACGRUDER: Oh, come on. You know this feature spun way out of control months ago.
A: Oh, that is… that is just… so… unfair. You know how hard I work on this feature.
CHET MACGRUDER: Yes, but you spend all your time on refreshments. Maybe you should spend more time getting good questions and good answers beforehand instead of winging it every week.
A: But… it’s so much easier just to bake something…
HOWARD: Uh… hello?
A: Yes, caller, what’s your question?
HOWARD: I don’t… have a question. You told me to call.
A: Caller, your question, please?
HOWARD: Uh… John, you came over to my desk and said “Call me in five minutes. We need a third question for today’s Help Desk.”
A: [sigh] Howard, would it kill you to play along?
HOWARD: Oh, sure, get the dog, he loves to play games! Have a nice game of pretend to throw the ball with the dog! See him run! Isn’t it funny, he doesn’t know it’s still in your hand! I am getting really sick of all the dogism in this…
A: Howard. Howard.
HOWARD: What? WHAT?!
A: Wanna go for a walk?
HOWARD: Oh! Yes! Yes! A walk! Ha-ha! Yes! I’ll get the leash! Ha-ha! Wheeeee!