Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


A: OK, before we start, I’d just like to say that there have been some complaints that all the sexual innuendo has gone out of this feature. I want to assure our readers that we are totally, 100%, committed to providing the most sexual innuendo we can cram into a feature about Mac technical support. OK, so, that’s all I wanted to say. So… go ahead. Bring it on. Hit me with the sexual innuendo. C’mon.

Q: Uh…

A: C’mon! Do your worst! Make it filthy, just the way I likes it!

Q: But… but…

A: Let’s go! I’m ready! What have you got for me?! Lesbians? Dwarf porn? I’ve seen it all, baby! Fire it up!

Q: I just… I just had a question about the iBook repair program…

A: No, no! You’re doing it wrong! Don’t you mean you have a question about how to get all your dirty, dirty bondage pictures off your iBook before you send it in?!

Q: Well… no. I just… I’m not sure if my iBook qualifies.

A: Oh, no! No! You’re ruining it for me! What are you going to do next? Talk about your mother? What other cold showers do you have for me?!

Q: See… my serial number starts with MK and…

A: GAAAAH!


Q: OK, well I don’t know if this is going to float your boat…

A: My boat is surprisingly buoyant.

Q: Kinda thought so. Anyway, I have a photo organization question.

A: Oh, yeah? Now we’re cooking with gas! What kind of photos are they? He asked, knowing full well the answer…

Q: OK, well, see I have this thing about… photographing women…

A: Yes? Yes?

Q: …fully clothed…

A: No! No! You’re losing me!

Q: …but talking on the phone! Ha-ha! Yeah! So… so… should I use iPhoto to organize…

A: What?

Q: Well, see, they’re fully clothed but they’re on the phone. I mean… what are they talking about? Something dirty I’ll bet!

A: Dude, that is so lame.

Q: No, it’s not! It’s really popular! Just Google it!

A: Jeez, you know, apparently all the good sexual innuendo has gone out of this feature.

Q: Maybe I’m not explaining it right. They’re on the phone

A: No, no. You’re coming through loud and clear.

Q: OK, well, what about Amish chicks? All those buttons… Oh, wow…

A: Stop.


Q: Hi, I’ve been having a problem with my Yikes! G4…

A: Yeah, yeah. What is it?

Q: Well, it keeps losing the CD. It’ll work for a while and then the icon will disappear and I won’t be able to eject it…

A: [Sigh]. OK, look, you’re going to want to zap your PRAM. So, hold down the command, option, P and R keys at the same time.

Q: Jeez… the command, option, P and R keys? All at the same time? Well…

A: What? What’s the problem? Just hold down the P key with the right hand and with the left…

Q: Yeah, yeah, it’s just…

A: What? I don’t see the problem.

Q: Well, I could do that, but someone’s going to have to come over here and hold on to the pulleys or the dwarf and the goat are going to fall into the pit the lesbians are jello-wrestling in.

A: Oh, my god… finally. Where the hell have you been?!

Q: Eh, you know… traffic was a nightmare.