20 Apr 04Nothing today.

Apple updated its entire line of laptops today. The following is the list of new features as announced.

  • That “new PowerBook smell” now 75% more powerful.
  • In order to circumvent TV shows and movies that put tape over the Apple logo, laptops now shout “APPLE!” every thirty seconds, to ensure maximum branding opportunities.
  • 15- and 17-inch PowerBooks “optimized for maximum back order enjoyment”, whatever that means.
  • PowerBooks are now so boss that you are no longer allowed to touch them.
  • iBooks are warm and soft, like the parental love you never got.
  • PowerBook speed tops out at 1.5 GHz which users are encouraged to round up to an even 2.0 GHz when talking to PC-users.
  • iBooks still match your underwear, assuming you wear a plain white cotton brief.
  • All models come with coffee and a choice of vegetable medley or cole slaw.
  • Bottom of the PowerBook is no longer hot enough to burn your flabby white legs like so much raw bacon.
  • 12-inch PowerBook guaranteed to fill the empty void in your life since Melissa left.
  • And, apparently, they’re faster or something.

Busy, busy, busy. Back tomorrow. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

No Responses to “Nothing today.”

  1. Fringe says:

    Umm, what do I say to the rest of you?

    Other than Mirst Fost, that is.

    Is anyone listening?

  2. Fringe says:

    Oh, and another thing. Does anyone know what the Entity is up to? What’s happening this Thursday? Enquiring minds want to know (I want to know!).

  3. kman says:

    Hehe. John’s a lazy dork.

  4. Cai says:


    Fourth post baby-doodle!!!

    uh huh!

    oh yeah….


  5. larkost says:

    ‘talk amongst yourselves’ and no topic given? At least we could have gotten a: ‘the topic is: the Holy Roman Empire, neither holy, nor Roman’… *sigh*

  6. The Entity says:



    What the hell? John, are you over there messing with some buttons? Because this isn’t funny. You can’t take The Entity’s all-powerful voice away from him. It’s just not nice. So come on John, be nice.

    Yes, he knows he can’t do much without his all-powerful voice. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to him. Damn you John. As soon as he gets his voice projection back, your ass is toast ::glare::

  7. Guy LeDouche says:

    Guy thinks the Entity will be watching the all day MXC Marathon culminating in the Season 2 kickoff “Almost Live” Special featuring Tony Hawk. Oh Yes! Guy Like!

  8. T-Cupper says:

    Well, well, well, well, well. Plenty of Entity today to have a cup of Entity, while gently leaning back, enjoying all the Entity … and maybe to think of Smurfs.

  9. Nameless says:

    Last Post! :::for now:::

  10. Reiggin Hilderbrand says:

    I’ll see your Last Post and raise you a Laster Post.

  11. fuddes says:

    Hey everyone,

    No comment today. I’m too busy.

  12. The Winky One says:

    I just ordered the “Ween – Live in Chicago” DVD.

  13. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    They said in the Globe that the Entity was doing the special effects for Blue Man Group in real time… with his mind… remotely… all the while processing the current “chatter” from terrorist cells in New Jersey.

    Oh, and the Entity and Catherine Zeta Jones are apparently an item.

  14. wooleywear says:

    Somrthing has just come up… gotta run..

    OOH! OO! LAst pOst!

  15. Nathan Strum says:

    “Busy?” That can only mean one thing – they’re all out feverishly digging up new Apple Rumors! Can you just imagine what sort of dirt they must be digging up?

    Therefore, tomorrow must be bringing the most incredible update EVER for Crazy Apple Rumors! Call your friends! Tell everyone! No one should miss this amazing, awe-inspiring event! I can’t wait!

    Or… they could all just be lazy.

  16. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    It just ain’t fair. Here we are, sweating up, dragging our sorry asses over to CARS, and Moltz is probably out pretending he’s a hobo, giving away his millions. Just wait until some thug clomps him on the head and steals his boots and he wakes up with amnesia and charged with murdering himself and he gets to see a silent movie with his new inmate friends and…

    Whoops! Sorry…sometimes I get carried away.

    Where the hell is Moltz? Wrong-coast Patriot Day hangover?

  17. JAV says:

    The new Mac Toys book by Scott Knaster is really cool.

  18. Joe says:

    Not cool enough to cover this lack of… um… OOH! Shiny thing!

  19. johnny66ch says:

    Ok, so I’m going to have to write today’s episode:

    Karl Magerfeld has introduced a new designer iPod carrying case, only available in black, of course. It is an ultra slimmed down version of the famous Gucci case, so you may be able to fit it on the iPod mini if you only load your precious and rare Pod at maximum 25% capacity (power and music combined, duh!).

    It has cool looking designer dark tainted glass which fits snuggly over the iPod mini screen, so as to increase your chances of staying incognito when passing paparazzi at tonight’s fashion show.

    It is also discreet, prohibiting sneaky peeks from your voyeur neighbour curious to know what you are listening to, i.e. the secret love life of Hugh Hefner audio book, complete with bonus tracks of heavy breathing.

    Janet Jackson, keen to stay in the limelight, has plans to introduce a silk case, including such details as a ripped upper right hand corner, exposing the lucious pink iPod mini original skin.

    Her younger brother has gone a step further, in fact a step so far out that there is no possibility of return, by replacing the original case by an ultra white honed, nay cleaven, extremely costly plastic amalgam. His favourite play list is “The Top 50 Children’s Nursery Rhymes”

  20. ipodguy says:

    Nathan, don’t worry they ARE just lazy. Oh and btw…


  21. mr. conspiracy says:

    And it continues…the plot to reduce PvT to inane comments and a useless waste of space! I see it!

    Oh? You mean…I see…uh huh…Well, thanks for informing me.

    Nevermind folks. Apparently, conspiracies have to be NOT OBVIOUS.

  22. ZethoMarx says:

    Thank God. I thought he’d NEVER leave.

  23. adam jackson says:

    well, even though CARS is not saying anything I just wanted to let you know I am wearing my CARS T-shirt. so BOOYAH!

  24. kjones says:

    Wow, did NONE of you get this? Do you realize what day it is today? 4-20. And Moltz is “busy”. Heh.

  25. Zachary James BONGLYN! says:

    HMM–Today is 420… I wonder what is keeping Mr. Moltz so “BUSY,” if you know what I’m saying and I think you do, EHH???

  26. Anonymous says:

    lastester post

  27. Spiro T. Agnew says:

    I suspect the reason there is no rumor today is because the operators of this site have been “gotten to”, if you know what I mean. Trust me, I have experience in these matters.

  28. David says:

    My guess is that if today’s unofficial holiday were an influence on John, we’d have five or six articles instead of none.

  29. Tim Knight says:

    I’m afraid I know what the’re really up to. They’ve got the ole camera out, and are doing demo shots of the Entity for the latest “PlayBeing” calendar.

  30. wiseass says:

    I’m not going to buy one … again …

    The last burned a hole in the Wall in August…

  31. Ozi says:

    boring… pfft Moltzi fatso is a lazy whore.

  32. greenacres says:

    The ABSOLUTE LATEST POST to Infinity! So there!

  33. I Win says:

    Last post you say? Hogwash!

    Last post to infinity + 1 no erasies, double cootie shot

  34. Loser says:

    Screw you

  35. Anonymous says:

    FOOOD FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

  36. mr. conspiracy says:

    THE ITALIANS! THEY HAVE TAKEN OVER CARS! (Why else would I be seeing an add for the Missing Bite in Italian?)

  37. kman says:

    Last Post (if only a lame attempt to spark life back into this discussion by prompting more last posts). Wait what am I doing? Like this conversation deserves any extra life. Oh rats.