Apple updated its entire line of laptops today. The following is the list of new features as announced.
- That “new PowerBook smell” now 75% more powerful.
- In order to circumvent TV shows and movies that put tape over the Apple logo, laptops now shout “APPLE!” every thirty seconds, to ensure maximum branding opportunities.
- 15- and 17-inch PowerBooks “optimized for maximum back order enjoyment”, whatever that means.
- PowerBooks are now so boss that you are no longer allowed to touch them.
- iBooks are warm and soft, like the parental love you never got.
- PowerBook speed tops out at 1.5 GHz which users are encouraged to round up to an even 2.0 GHz when talking to PC-users.
- iBooks still match your underwear, assuming you wear a plain white cotton brief.
- All models come with coffee and a choice of vegetable medley or cole slaw.
- Bottom of the PowerBook is no longer hot enough to burn your flabby white legs like so much raw bacon.
- 12-inch PowerBook guaranteed to fill the empty void in your life since Melissa left.
- And, apparently, they’re faster or something.
Busy, busy, busy. Back tomorrow. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.