19 Apr 04Apple Announces New PowerBooks and iBooks.


Apple updated its entire line of laptops today. The following is the list of new features as announced.

  • That “new PowerBook smell” now 75% more powerful.
  • In order to circumvent TV shows and movies that put tape over the Apple logo, laptops now shout “APPLE!” every thirty seconds, to ensure maximum branding opportunities.
  • 15- and 17-inch PowerBooks “optimized for maximum back order enjoyment”, whatever that means.
  • PowerBooks are now so boss that you are no longer allowed to touch them.
  • iBooks are warm and soft, like the parental love you never got.
  • PowerBook speed tops out at 1.5 GHz which users are encouraged to round up to an even 2.0 GHz when talking to PC-users.
  • iBooks still match your underwear, assuming you wear a plain white cotton brief.
  • All models come with coffee and a choice of vegetable medley or cole slaw.
  • Bottom of the PowerBook is no longer hot enough to burn your flabby white legs like so much raw bacon.
  • 12-inch PowerBook guaranteed to fill the empty void in your life since Melissa left.
  • And, apparently, they’re faster or something.

No Responses to “Apple Announces New PowerBooks and iBooks.”

  1. Jon Wedaman says:

    Ah, who else could make the long awaited speed bumps so funny…

  2. Laemkral says:

    Now, does the “APPLE!” shouting involve an internalized unmuteable speaker? If it doesn’t, then it will be quite easy to simply turn off the volume on the machine while filming the ad. And it would make it quite annoying to have my machine shouting things while I’m busy hacking into important databases to search for heretical information that will allow me to execute and burn more people. I mean, while I’m playing UT2k4….

    Pay no attention to the man with the floating skull hovering behind him…..

  3. Funny article guys. ‘Bout time you posted it, I’ve been reloading CARS for the last hour. Phil says hi. Just wanted to check in. Umm….we’re on for next Monday right Chet? Cool, I got this awesome place in mind ’round the corner from the office that does does a great salad. Uhh….so I’ll see you guys later.

    Your pal,

    Steve Jobs

    steve@mac.com

  4. curl says:

    I think it would be better if the new Powerbooks projected some kind of holographic logos using laser beams so powerful as to cut through any tape in the way…

    Also, since they didn’t come out with G5 laptops, I’m going to buy a Dell.

    And further, since they didn’t send me a hundred dollars, I’m going to cut off my thumb.

    Take that, CRAPPLE!

  5. 1019 says:

    Is it a bad thing that I want bacon, now?

  6. mr. conspiracy says:

    a 12 incher to fill my void, eh? NOT THIS TIME, MONKIES! I KNOW ABOUT THE CONSPIRACY!

  7. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    I’m confused.

    This is supposed to be the Crazy Apple _Rumor_ Site, right?

    Why are you printing factual information after the fact? You should have been screaming about warm, loving iBooks weeks ago!

  8. Aaron says:

    he’s got a point.

  9. Peter says:

    This site also works as a news site as well as a rumors site. Come on, all the rumor sites do it, too.

  10. Zachary says:

    Hey, by the way, what is WITH the TV shows that cover the logo like that? I had never seen it until a few weeks ago, and I was like “Why the hell did they do that?” Does anyone know?

  11. David says:

    Only a 17-incher could take the place of Melissa. After all, Melissa was a 17-incher herself. (Make of that what you will — I dare you.)

  12. younghart says:

    Yeah. Me. Apple Legal hit them with a cease&desist order because they don´t want to be associated with the crap that`s running on TV most of the time.

  13. ErrorEngine says:

    Young, what crap? I used to see it on Angel and Buffy! Um…ah. I get your point.

  14. EMan says:

    Are my legs really white and flabby? They call me “käse weisse” in Germany, but cheese isn’t white, is it?

  15. If they had Apple computers on screen as Apple computers, the shows producers would have to show another computer alongside to prove that other computers actually exist.

    This would lead to very complicated story lines.

  16. Mason says:

    At last, a computer upgrade with features I *need*.

  17. Brother Mugga says:

    Hey, Dwartz – these *are* rumours.

    After all, have you actually *seen* one; *touched* one?

    Exactly.

    Oh I can hear it now: “But look at the images on the website, y’nobber.”

    Images. Yeah. Let’s not forget; Apple *invented* photoshop.

    And Microsoft Office.

    And, er, and . . . um, sliced bread.

    So [touches side of nose conspiratorialy] – are you hearing me?

    Yeah?

    Yeah?

    Oh yeah – now we’re cooking with gas.*

    Brother Mugga

    *Which Apple also invented.

  18. Bubba says:

    Hey, my wife’s name is Melissa. I’m gonna come over there and kick your pale white ass and and …. oh look Springer’s on.

    Bubba

  19. Apple legal is gonna rip Linspire a new one. *titters with glee*

  20. squaredbee says:

    i am a college student looking for a computer i can use as a frisbee when i am not downloading porno from an engineering school student. the 12″ seems to fit the profile, but could apple make it about an inch thinner and rounder? come on apple, give me a bigger student discount and listen to your customers.

  21. mo. says:

    i was really hoping this version would involve either a mouth on the underside, or one of those latex vag’s….

  22. nerd says:

    …oh

  23. Aaron says:

    ooooh, *round* laptops. Nobody at Apple ever considered that, did they?

    Well, except for the clamshell iBooks.

  24. Tenniru says:

    They were called Toilet Seat iBooks and you know it.

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