Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, Mac users share their anger.

Q: I read your fascinating article on Chris Breen expensing his family vacation and I was wondering how I could expense a family vacation. I’m concerned that there might be a serious impediment to this, however, as I don’t, in fact, have a family. Or, actually, a job. But, I was hoping that you could help me get one of those sweet columnist gigs like Breen has. That’d be sweet. He probably has a lot of interns working for him and they probably do all the iMac setup, right? He probably doesn’t even have to look at an iMac if he doesn’t want to. He probably just sits back and sips his Mai Tai with a little umbrella in it, while a bunch of college kids set up his mother’s iMac. That’s just… that’s just so… sickening. These high-paid Macworld types really get my goat, y’know? I mean, who does he think he is? You know what? Forget it! Forget this! I don’t even want to be a high-priced columnist who gets to expense everything anymore! I don’t like Mai Tais! I had a bad experience with rum one time. No, actually, it was two times. But, you know, when you’re drinking it straight out of the bottle it’s pretty much going to be a bad experience no matter what you’re drinking. And college kids give me a rash. With all their book learnin’. Pff. Give me someone who came up off the streets! You know, I wouldn’t even have Mr. Fancy-Pants Breen over to dinner! Partly because the trailer’s a mess right now and I’m all out of plastic forks. But it’s also the principle of the thing.

A: Are you done?

Q: Uh, wait, let me see here… vacation… don’t have job… columnist… Breen… interns… Mai Tais… trailer… Did that. Did that. Yep. Yep, I’m done.

A: That… that was good. That was a good read.

Q: Oh, thanks. Did you like it? I really wanted to work on the anger, you know?

Q: You know, I’ve just about had it with Xcode.

A: Oh? Why’s that? Is it crashing?

Q: What? No. No. I don’t even have it. But I saw today that it’s been updated to version 1.2.

A: Uuuuuuh… huh.

Q: OK, so, like, I don’t need these constant reminders that I’m not a programmer, y’know?

A: Ah. Programmer envy.

Q: No! No! It’s not like that! I’m just… tired of being a second class citizen! All these high-falutin’ programmers talking about methods and bytes and… and… all their stupid programmer stuff! It’s stupid. They’re stupid. I tried to record an AppleScript one time and I ended up deleting my entire Inbox. So, I just… I don’t need Brent Simmons talking about all the cool things he’s going to add to NetNewsWire or Dave Hyatt droning on and on about coding Safari. Just… just… save it! You know?

A: Well, if you don’t want to hear it then why do you read it?

Q: Oh, well, because the hate’s the only thing keeping me alive.

A: Oh. I see.

Q: Oh, yeah. I have very little to live for. Just that and my hatred of the entire cast of Friends. Stupid Ross.

A: Hmm. That’s… that’s too bad.

Q: Oh… well… you get used to it after a while.

Q: Uh, well, um… see, I don’t really have anything that I’m mad about.

A: Oh, c’mon, there’s got to be something. Anything. Like… Airport 3.4?

Q: No. No. I didn’t install it.

A: Oh. Well… how about other technical problems? Anything wrong with your Mac?

Q: No. No, really. Oh. Ah. Well… no. I shouldn’t mention this.

A: What? No, go ahead. Let it out.

Q: Um, well, OK. See, it just that, uh… I hate Steve Wozniak.

A: What?! You can’t hate the Woz! How can you hate the Woz?! He’s like the… he’s the nice one!

Q: I dunno. I just do.

A: Well… what is it about him you hate?

Q: Well… everything. His beard. Naming his company Wheels of Zeus. What’s that supposed to mean? Just anything that stands for Woz, I guess. Kinda egotistical if you ask me.

A: Oh, dude, you are way off base on this! Woz is a Apple icon!

Q: Well, if he were an icon, I’d be dragging him to the trash about now.

A: Don’t make me get Ugluk.

Q: I don’t care. My hatred of Woz has given me the strength of ten men.

A: Oh, it has not.

Q: You don’t know that. It might have.