23 Apr 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, Mac users share their anger.

Q: I read your fascinating article on Chris Breen expensing his family vacation and I was wondering how I could expense a family vacation. I’m concerned that there might be a serious impediment to this, however, as I don’t, in fact, have a family. Or, actually, a job. But, I was hoping that you could help me get one of those sweet columnist gigs like Breen has. That’d be sweet. He probably has a lot of interns working for him and they probably do all the iMac setup, right? He probably doesn’t even have to look at an iMac if he doesn’t want to. He probably just sits back and sips his Mai Tai with a little umbrella in it, while a bunch of college kids set up his mother’s iMac. That’s just… that’s just so… sickening. These high-paid Macworld types really get my goat, y’know? I mean, who does he think he is? You know what? Forget it! Forget this! I don’t even want to be a high-priced columnist who gets to expense everything anymore! I don’t like Mai Tais! I had a bad experience with rum one time. No, actually, it was two times. But, you know, when you’re drinking it straight out of the bottle it’s pretty much going to be a bad experience no matter what you’re drinking. And college kids give me a rash. With all their book learnin’. Pff. Give me someone who came up off the streets! You know, I wouldn’t even have Mr. Fancy-Pants Breen over to dinner! Partly because the trailer’s a mess right now and I’m all out of plastic forks. But it’s also the principle of the thing.

A: Are you done?

Q: Uh, wait, let me see here… vacation… don’t have job… columnist… Breen… interns… Mai Tais… trailer… Did that. Did that. Yep. Yep, I’m done.

A: That… that was good. That was a good read.

Q: Oh, thanks. Did you like it? I really wanted to work on the anger, you know?

Q: You know, I’ve just about had it with Xcode.

A: Oh? Why’s that? Is it crashing?

Q: What? No. No. I don’t even have it. But I saw today that it’s been updated to version 1.2.

A: Uuuuuuh… huh.

Q: OK, so, like, I don’t need these constant reminders that I’m not a programmer, y’know?

A: Ah. Programmer envy.

Q: No! No! It’s not like that! I’m just… tired of being a second class citizen! All these high-falutin’ programmers talking about methods and bytes and… and… all their stupid programmer stuff! It’s stupid. They’re stupid. I tried to record an AppleScript one time and I ended up deleting my entire Inbox. So, I just… I don’t need Brent Simmons talking about all the cool things he’s going to add to NetNewsWire or Dave Hyatt droning on and on about coding Safari. Just… just… save it! You know?

A: Well, if you don’t want to hear it then why do you read it?

Q: Oh, well, because the hate’s the only thing keeping me alive.

A: Oh. I see.

Q: Oh, yeah. I have very little to live for. Just that and my hatred of the entire cast of Friends. Stupid Ross.

A: Hmm. That’s… that’s too bad.

Q: Oh… well… you get used to it after a while.

Q: Uh, well, um… see, I don’t really have anything that I’m mad about.

A: Oh, c’mon, there’s got to be something. Anything. Like… Airport 3.4?

Q: No. No. I didn’t install it.

A: Oh. Well… how about other technical problems? Anything wrong with your Mac?

Q: No. No, really. Oh. Ah. Well… no. I shouldn’t mention this.

A: What? No, go ahead. Let it out.

Q: Um, well, OK. See, it just that, uh… I hate Steve Wozniak.

A: What?! You can’t hate the Woz! How can you hate the Woz?! He’s like the… he’s the nice one!

Q: I dunno. I just do.

A: Well… what is it about him you hate?

Q: Well… everything. His beard. Naming his company Wheels of Zeus. What’s that supposed to mean? Just anything that stands for Woz, I guess. Kinda egotistical if you ask me.

A: Oh, dude, you are way off base on this! Woz is a Apple icon!

Q: Well, if he were an icon, I’d be dragging him to the trash about now.

A: Don’t make me get Ugluk.

Q: I don’t care. My hatred of Woz has given me the strength of ten men.

A: Oh, it has not.

Q: You don’t know that. It might have.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. First! And I still can’t connect to the ‘Net.

    Damn zone of death.

  2. Anonymouse says:

    Just to stop the lamers…..

  3. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    If the Woz was an icon, what would he look like?

    Don’t say a kinda short thickset guy with a beard. You know what I mean.

  4. Laemkral says:

    I have nothing to complain about. Which is what I want to complain about. Apple can’t satisfy me, if they start producing an overall feeling of warmth and satisfaction within its consumer base than they might become popular! And that would mean all sorts of idiots using Macs and doing dumb things and making it all uncool again.

    Therefore, it is my duty to denounce them as heretics and burn them…..all in a days work.

  5. ZethoMarx says:

    Five! Five! Five! Five! Let’s sing a song of five!!!

    How many is five??

  6. Laemkral says:

    I have nothing to complain about. Which is what I want to complain about. Apple can’t satisfy me, if they start producing an overall feeling of warmth and satisfaction within its consumer base than they might become popular! And that would mean all sorts of idiots using Macs and doing dumb things and making it all uncool again.

    Therefore, it is my duty to denounce them as heretics and burn them…..all in a days work.

  7. Laemkral says:


    Ooh, now I have something to complain about….

  8. Bart says:

    I wonder if Balzac ever used a Mac.

  9. Robert Stack says:

    I don’t understand all of this bitching about Airport 3.4.

    I thought that it was far and away the best of the movies.

  10. MacStansbury says:

    Basically, since I don’t have much in the way of a love-life, I tend to spend most of my week waiting for the only sexual innuendo. So that’s what I’m mad about. I need a healthy dose of sexbots or something about hard-drives or the like…and this week there’s nothing but hate-speech!

    Not that hate is all that bad, or anything. I spend most of my week being mad at something. “A day without hatred is like a day without sunshine,” I always say. But, it’s always nice to go to a Macintosh rumors site to read a story about fictional people who make funny jokes about things, but it always gets turned into something about sex.

    I mean, it’s not like I ever meet any girls that like me. Well, except like yesterday, when that girl in the Office Depot was giving me that “come hither” look. That or the “please stop looking at me” look. But I’m thinking it was “come hither.” I shoulda went, uh, thither (?)…hey, I think I will.

    Yea, I’m going down there and see if she’s down there…I mean, if it’s true love, she’ll still be waiting, down there, by the copy machines, or the copy desk or whatever the crap them things are.

    Wish me luck!

  11. deepkid says:

    I’ve never really articulated it, but Woz makes me itch, too.

    CARS just made me laugh about it. Also, Steve and Woz seem like they were an even more dysfunctional Hall and Oates back then. *yeesh*

  12. Anonymous says:

    >If the Woz was an icon, what would he look like?

    DA font mover. Definitely.

  13. Okay…blood stopped spurting from my G5. But it keeps moaning with wails from time to time.

    If I ever get my AirPort to work again, I’m going to have to look it up on Mac-In Grope.

    Oh damn…I gotta go…my sexbot got into the electric knife drawer……..ahhhhhgggghhhhhhh!

  14. fuddes says:

    Honestly, I’d like to thank this site. It’s because of what I’ve read here that I haven’t installed the latest update to Airport. Of course, it’s also partly because I’m lazy as hell, but this site still helped.

    I just wish this website had warned me not to buy the “special yellow vodka” from the bum sitting next to the public restroom. Man, that was $60 poorly spent.

  15. MacStansbury says:

    well, I went to Office _Max_, and she wasn’t there. So, in honor of another Friday that goes unfulfilled, I’m off to call my Mom who will tell me that “she wasn’t special enough for my baby,” and have my Dad tell me that “you should join the Navy, Nancy,” and have my Sisters tell me something of a derogatory nature, pertaining to my almost god-like ability to not “catch the hint.” They use examples such as the time that stripper said “I will have sex with you.”

    Man, I can’t believe I missed that one.

    So anyways, I’m mad right now. So disgruntled, in fact, that I plan on being in a grumpy mood all weekend. So, when I’m crying myself to sleep, I’ll be thinking about the time that the Crazy Apple Rumour Site didn’t have the innuendo that I love so much.

    oh, and to fuddles: What’s the word? Thunderbird!

  16. Coombs says:

    Its uncanny how you guys guess exactly what I was thinking about Xcode & Woz! Absolutely funny beyond imagination. What does the Entity feed you guys to keep coming up with this hilarious stuff -day after day , week after week, month after…..

    Last post, at last!

  17. ipodguy says:

    HAHAHA!!! That’s what YOU think.

    Man though, how can you hate Woz? It’s like… hating the father of the Mac… or hating the Mac… or hating your mac-loving father? fathering your mac-loving hater? loving your hate macing father? macing your father-loving hater?



    What was I talking about?

  18. Shareholder says:

    Lastest post.

    Actually, I don’t think Woz had all that much to do with the Mac. So, “Father of the Mac” isn’t that apt of a title. Maybe “Co-father of Apple Computer” would be better.

  19. Coombs says:

    Can I please have the last word.

    Thank you!


    Oh well….sigh

  20. Anonymous says:

    This site has stopped being funny…. Sorry moltz, but sadly if you can’t make it funnier I may just stop wasting my time looking for a laugh here….

  21. Richard Osmond says:

    I’m confused – is this meant to be some kind of veiled threat or something? And what are the CARS staff meant to do anyway? Sure sometimes they’re funnier than other times, but shouting “BE FUNNIER DAMNIT!” at them is unlikely to make a heck of a lot of difference…..

  22. Richard Osmond says:

    …or maybe that was his “complaint” there – just occured to me :/

  23. John Moltz says:

    You know who’s funny? That Dave Chappelle. He’s really funny.

  24. curl says:

    I dunno John, this Dave Chappelle is much funnier than that Dave Chappelle. And so articulate!

  25. Ozi says:

    oh! oh! oh! *jumps up and down excitedly*

    A CARS staffer has graced us with his presence! *feels awe*

    can I have your autograph, Molzi boy? pleeeeeaaaaase??

    Oh and nice article! I love the bit about Ugluk… just beacuse he cant pronounce my name. Its sooo… cute! i think?! At least its cute until you find out about the whole body hair/huge forehead/horrid smell thing…


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  27. Richard Osmond says:

    I’m confused, what do refrigerators have to do with this?

  28. rubberchicken says:

    If you bathed occaisionally you would not have a problem.

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