22 Apr 04Airport 3.4 Update Bites The Big One.

In an unusual display of frankness, Apple announced today that the recently released Airport 3.4 “bites the big one” and openly apologized to the Macintosh community.

“Yes, we really screwed the chien on this one,” admitted Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet, vigorously working on his own PowerBook’s Airport connection.

Merde,” he said for the fifth time in as many minutes as the connection was dropped. “Quel est le parfait imbécile qui a diffusé ce soft? Ah, mais ne serait-ce pas moi?

In the halls, Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller was helping Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian map the crappy receiption they were getting.

“Now I’ve got two bars, Phil,” Tevanian shouted as Schiller scribbled into a circle on a pad of engineer’s paper. “No, wait, now it’s zero bars. Oh, now it’s two bars again!”

“We have a bet going,” explained Schiller. “Avie thinks the area of gaps mapped out will be sort of a Navajo Power Circle. Or Circle of Lack of Power, I guess. I think it’ll be the Circle of Death described by the Mung tribes of Laos.

Schiller’s map included an area marked with a skull and crossbones and noted as the “Inexplicable Zone of Death.”

“We just… uh… we… don’t have a lot to do today… since, uh, the network’s basically down…”

“Oh!” Tevanian suddenly shouted. “Three bars! Three bars!

“Oh, no, wait. Sorry! Sorry. That’s… that’s my Volume icon. I was… looking at the… wrong thing.”

Apple assured customers that the rest of Apple was diligently working on the problem.

No Responses to “Airport 3.4 Update Bites The Big One.”

  1. Me says:

    First post.

  2. MacStansbury says:

    I finally think I have a chance at the first post and…


  3. Richard Osmond says:

    btw [i]merde[/i] is spelt with an “e” on the end….

  4. Richard Osmond says:

    ….and why don’t the text codes work then, eh? EH??

    or you could always just let me edit the post there…..

  5. Bart says:

    Quel idiot a rendu public ceci ? Ah, c’est moi.


    Quel est le parfait imbécile qui a diffusé ce soft (cette mise à jour) ? Ah, mais ne serait-ce pas moi ?

    In true french.

  6. mr. conspiracy says:

    “Inexplicable Zone of Death”, eh? WELL I THINK IT’S PRETTY EXPLICABLE, MYSELF! (It’s where Steve stores the bodies.)

    It’s a well known conspiracy among the Apple staff though…they SAY it’s inexplicable, but you just know they’re lying. Well, at least I know they are lying…

  7. John Moltz says:

    Well, you know, Bart, that’s what MY notes said and Chet’s said it the other way… So, anyway, I changed it.

  8. JAV says:

    One of the most freakin’ hilarious articles I’ve seen in some time.

  9. I was going to post a bitch about this whole AirPort 3.4 mess, but I still can’t connect to the ‘Net. Also, I was wondering, is anyone else having blood spurt out of the back of their G5 since uploading this update?


    And I’m STILL waiting for my fruit cup, dammit, Phil.

  10. Coombs says:

    I second that!!

    Last post.

  11. ZethoMarx says:

    Well, I guess I can’t post any more, than.

    I’m going home.

  12. True French says:

    «Ne serait-ce pas moi?» ???

    What is this? A pastiche of French Lit circa 1870?

    Why not say «N’est-ce point votre serviteur?» or any other style anachronism…

  13. Shareholder says:

    French? Hah!

    French, smrench! Err, srench.



    Damn frogs.

  14. Lucien says:

    Ok, this one is a classic.. 🙂

  15. Bart says:

    yep, a truly classic, with ancient french!

    (du langage chatié en quelque sorte).

  16. Fancy French says:

    I didn’t know that french ppl spoke in an Italic form…

    weird heh

  17. is it just me or is the fact that AtAT are running a poll about these bugs suspicious. does jack miller still have influence ni the CARS office. i smell a conspiricy, or is it donuts. im gunna go check…

    … IT’S BOTH!!!

  18. John R Chang says:

    The title is misspelled: “Aiport”

  19. John Moltz says:

    It’s well known around Apple that Serlet is a huge fan of Balzac.

    It’s also well known that Balzac is fun to say.

    Actually, so is Serlet. Not as much fun as Balzac, of course.

    Ball-sack. Huh-huh.

  20. Nathan Strum says:

    I was more than a little disappointed to find out that the “Zone of Death” didn’t actually kill anyone.

    Apple’s quality control slips again.

  21. Joe says:

    Has anyone tried using a PC in the Zone Of Death?

    That might cause a fatality…

    *helps himself to the dougnuts*

  22. iKon says:

    I cannot reply to the post complaining about not getting on the net as I cannot get on the net either. Bummer, because I really wanted to read this article too!

  23. Tim Knight says:

    WHoa… just figured out this “Zone of Death” thingy. My Hamster died this morning, and his cage just happened to be in that zone, when I downloaded the update. I’ve now got a Zombified Hamster running amock in my house… seriously.. it.. ripped the cage apart… like tin foil…

    …It’s currently feeding on the cat’s brains in the kitchen!!!

  24. Small Paul says:

    I agree with the guys above, that’s a pretty funny story right there. But a question: why would anyone be stupid enough to use an Apple Mac in the first place?

  25. Scott M says:

    Why, the only people stupider would be those who respond to trolls in an “Apple Mac”-based message board.

  26. Scott M says:

    Actually, now that I think about it, I am stupid for using an Apple Mac when I could be enjoying the world-class design and support that you get when you buy a Dell Mac. I think I’ll order one now.

    (checks watch)

    Hey great, my Dell Mac just arrived. Let’s open up the box.. I’ll just pry off these giant copper staples.. there we go. Ooh, nice somewhat- rounded corners on that rectangular box, Dell! I’ll just start her up…

    There we go. Hm, DellMacOS looks a lot like WinXP Home. And it doesn’t seem to be recognizing my old 5 GB iPod, my Airport base station, or, for some reason, my copy of Burning Monkey Puzzle Lab. I guess I can live without those.

    Wow, is the computer supposed to make that much noise? And that smell? What is that, anyway..? Are any of you other Dell Mac users experiencing this kind of problem?

  27. nerd says:

    Guys, it’s the ‘Hmong’ tribes of Laos: those plucky little fellas the CIA trained to fly bombing raids during the Second Indochinese War, with blocks fixed to the aircraft peddles so they could reach them. Sorry to be a bore, but…

  28. exu2boy says:

    I laughed out loud. Thanks, I needed that. What else is gonna get you through the day when the Shuttle is grounded?

    *Bored at KSC*

  29. *helps himself to the dougnuts*

    Who is doug and why are you helping yourself to his nuts?

  30. Sgt. Shultz says:

    Du hast nicht all taschen im schrank!

  31. ZethoMarx says:

    Are you perhaps feeling, maybe, just a bit, shall we say, ah, “inadequate” about yourself, ‘Small’ Paul?

  32. Gerald Finnegan says:

    I also have the 3.4 issue. For those who like going to the top, I called the Apple Corporate office after getting nowhere with tech support and asked for Mr. Jobs. I was told he initially only responds to letters at the corporate address or faxes to his private fax. I was given the latter: 408 974 2483. I sent him my own communication. I suggest others do. Then there is the State Attny Gen’l route. But another time for that.