29 Apr 04Jobs' Bizarre Hygienic Regimen.


Apple CEO Steve Jobs is most often known for his mercurial nature, his vegan eating habits and his marketing ability. But within the tight circle that knows him well, he is also known for an experimental hygienic regimen that is often surprising.

Jobs eschews all products from companies that perform animal testing, but sources close to him say he does buy his pomade from a small company in Sacramento that verbally abuses little bunnies.

“It actually has nothing to do with making hair care products,” said Megan Donacini, a spokesperson for the company. “We just think it’s funny. And the rabbits don’t even notice it.

“We take turns yelling at them, ‘You stupid bunny!’ or ‘Stupid floppy ears! Stupid little tail! Stupid big hind feet! You’re stupid!‘ Ha-ha! Ahhhh…

“We’re grateful Mr. Jobs shares our vision.”

In addition to his hair care peculiarities, other male Apple executives were startled to find Jobs in the men’s locker room bathing in hot dog water.

“Oh, my god,” said a startled Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson, sniffing the air. “Steve… what is that?”

“It’s hot dog water!” an exuberant Jobs called out, swirling his hands in the slightly pinkish water.

“Ugh,” said Senior Vice President of Applications Sina Tamaddon. “That is foul.”

“Yeah, I’ve got to agree,” said Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Jon Rubinstein. “Steve, you’re a vegan! How can you bathe in hot dog water?”

“Oh, don’t be such babies!” Jobs retorted. “I’m not drinking it! That’d be disgusting!

“I get it from the cafeteria after they’re done boiling the hot dogs,” Jobs explained. “It’s so much more environmentally sound than just pouring it out. What a waste that would be.”

Jobs indicated that “essential hot dog oils” in the water soften the skin while the herbs, spices and chemical additives open the pores, making hot dog water perfect for those with difficult combination skin.

You’re the weirdos who eat those things,” Jobs said. “I’m just taking lemons and making lemonade.

“Well, if you’ll excuse me,” he said, climbing out of the fetid tub, “I have to go have my toenails clipped by virgin Tibetan nuns.”

No Responses to “Jobs' Bizarre Hygienic Regimen.”

  1. Daddy_Bartholomew says:

    Steve does have an uncanny ability to ” .”, doesn’t he. I have been utterly unable to can it, myself. And don’t try to misle me with any excuses about “typos”, or “The Entity Knows Whereof He Speaks” stuff, either.

  2. Ability to what? To whaaaaaaaat?!

  3. soosy says:

    “essential hot dog oils”

    LOL

  4. Coombs says:

    I am a vegan too. Is it surprising then that I didn’t find this episode all that funny. Can I ask for a refund- oh! I forgot it did not cost me anything to read this.

    Please, please don’t ban me!

    If you do, this will be my last post!

  5. EMan says:

    “ability to .”… create dwarf porn with just his mind.

  6. John Moltz says:

    Also known as his ability to “FILL IN ABILITY HERE LATER.”

  7. Adam Jackson says:

    i loved the stupid bunnies part. t hanks for making me laugh guys.

    can I make a request though? I would like you to mention me in one of the articles since I am the owner of a macintosh site, mypersonalgetaway.com what do you think johN? oh and the T0shirt looks great i wear it once a week.

  8. Dell Hater says:

    Strange how the funniest line I’ve read in a while doesn’t even involve macs, but rather bunny rabbits. 😀

  9. A-Non-E-Mouse says:

    If you check the previous comments, you’ll notice no one is talking about the virgin Tibetan nuns. That’s because *that’s* the gross part of this whole dirty little story.

  10. VIRGIN TIBETAN NUNS – WOOHOO PARTY TIME!!!!

  11. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Don’t knock ’em ’til you’ve tried ’em. They have a special way with cuticles.

  12. Fringe says:

    Stupid big hind feet! I’m cracking up here.

  13. MacStansbury says:

    First Post

    aw crap. never mind.

    stupid slow dumb stupid slow dumb RSS feeds

  14. Lucky Dog says:

    He should use only essential water from the New Orleans Lucky Dog carts. Those are the best.

  15. Peter says:

    I like how he yells at bunnies.

  16. woah! fetid! high-five, vocab!

  17. Insider says:

    Oh, how I wish the cafeteria really did have hot dogs. Nice flame broiled ones, with fixins like sauerkraut and hot banana pepper rings.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Pomade?

  19. Joe says:

    Mmmmm….. damnit. Now I’m hungry.

    I want a nice hotdog with all the fixin’s, and a beer… But I’m stuck at work. And, I’ll probably miss happy hour.

    *sigh*

  20. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    we once had a fiesta party on someone dressed as minnie mouse.

  21. rabbit & costello says:

    the newer versions of osx will soon be called after various members of the rabbit family.

  22. Greebs says:

    If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, why did He make them so delicious?

  23. foetid

    High five, Old English!

  24. Richard Osmond says:

    [quote]the newer versions of osx will soon be called after various members of the rabbit family.[/quote]

    Yeah I can just see it now: OSX Dwarf-lop…. actually, Angora would be a pretty cool name – emphasise the friendly fluffy side of the mac experience.

    btw I have 2 rabbits, and they insisted I tell you they didn’t find it funny at all.

  25. Peter says:

    “btw I have 2 rabbits, and they insisted I tell you they didn’t find it funny at all.”

    See, that’s why Jobs thinks bunnies are stupid. (ahh! too many “s” in a row.)

  26. ZethoMarx says:

    “Well, ain’t this place a geogrphical oddity!! Two weeks from everywhere! Forget the pomade, I’ll just take these hairnets!”

  27. MacStansbury says:

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    That is what I said,

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    But not when they are red.

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    That is what I mean,

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    Especially when they’re green.

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    I like traffic lights,

    Though my name’s not Danber,

    aw forget it.

  28. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    [quote]the newer versions of osx will soon be called after various members of the rabbit family.[/quote]

    Coney.

    [quote] High five, Old English![/quote]

    Re: Hot dogs: I highly recommend Klement’s. “The Official Chicago-style Hot Dog of the Milwaukee Bucks.” Not only are they delicious, but they have the most geographically-confused slogan.

  29. Shoes Won't Stay Tied says:

    Are more than one rabbit called rabbi. Cause this would be real funny if it had Virgin Tibetan Nuns and big eared Rabbi.

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