Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: My girlfriend just doesn’t understand my relationship with my Mac. Try as I might to explain to her the special bond we share, she just doesn’t get it. I think she might even be a little jealous. Can you help me put into words for her the kind of relationship I have with my Mac?

A: Well, it is like the relationship between a man and his dog?

Q: No. No, I wouldn’t say that. My Mac is much smarter than my dog.

A: OK. Is it like the relationship between a jockey and a thoroughbred horse?

Q: No, no, no. Nothing like that.

A: Uh… oh! How about the relationship between an executive and his valued personal assistant?

Q: Pff! Please! Do not demean my relationship with my Mac!

A: Jeez, sorry. Well… how about the relationship between Ben Affleck and Matt Damon?

Q: Scoundrel! Were I a fighting man I would call you out, sir!

A: Oh, for the love of… I give up! I’m with your girlfriend on this! There’s just no describing your perfect relationship with your Mac!

Q: [sob] No one understands us! Well, that’s just… that’s just fine! Because me and my Mac are just gonna run away! And then you’ll all be sorry! We’re gonna be together and be happy and we’re gonna… gonna… do stuff and… and… be the bestest buds and… and… have a super-cool tree-fort and you guys can’t come in! Because you’re doodie-heads and there’ll be a sign that says “No doodie-heads!” Ah-huh… ah-huh-huh… ah-huh…

A: Are you OK?

Q: Y-yeah.

A: Do you want to lie down?

Q: [shakes head silently]

A: Do you want a juice box?

Q: [nods head silently]

A: OK. You go play with your Mac and I’ll bring you a juice box.

Q: Hi, we’re the movers.

A: What?

Q: Yeah, somebody called for some movers.

A: Nnno. I don’t think so.

Q: Hmm. Well… uh… says here I’m supposed to move all this computer equipment out.

A: Uh, I think that’s wrong.

Q: Heh. Well, that’s what it says on the work order!

A: That’s… that’s a picture of Anna Kournikova in a bikini.

Q: Oh. So it is. So… it… is… Mmm. Uh, well, look, if you don’t want your stuff moved, I’ll just… I’ll just take the PowerBook.

A: What?! No. No. I don’t think so. Look…

Q: Or this iMac. Someone said I could have this.

A: No they didn’t! Look, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave!

Q: Well, what about that Performa? You can’t possibly want that!

A: Get out! Get out! [slams door] Whew.

Q: [voice muffled from behind the door] I… I think I left my picture in there. Hello?

In the interest of our readers, the final question has been redacted and replaced by the following synopsis.

Suffice it to say, it included gratuitous sexual content, unabashed stupidity on the part of both the caller and the Help Desk guy, leading to an ultimately unsatisfying conclusion based on a joke including the word “butt”. There was also an extended car chase through the streets of Cupertino followed by a gun fight with… uh… aliens… who… also… had… guns. But theirs were ray guns. Finally, the conclusion reached its apex with stirring music while a couple rolled about in the surf as they were locked in the throes of a passionate kiss.

Oddly, a longshoreman named Earl looked on, clearly unimpressed, as he sucked idly on a toothpick.

And, uh, then there were credits with some hard rock music playing.

Please dispose of your trash as you exit the theater.