28 Apr 04iTunes 4.5 Released


Marking the first anniversary of the iTunes Music Store, Apple has release iTunes 4.5. Crazy Apple Rumors Site provides an exclusive look at the landmark application’s new feature set.

  • Apple has provided numerous features, including automatic artist, song and album links to the iTunes Music Store, designed to take as much of your money as possible. Really, they’d prefer it if you just sent them a blank check. And all those coins in the ashtray on your dresser. And little Billy’s piggy bank.
  • Party Shuffle feature is actually not a random playlist generator as described on many other sites. It is, in fact, a new dance step of Apple’s own devising.

    Actually it was Rubinstein. He is the Fred Astaire of Apple.

  • iTunes Music Store now has “You know that song…” search capabilities. For example, searching on “You know that song that goes ‘Nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah…” brings up Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.” Searching on “You know that song that’s got the girl saying ‘I find you very attractive’ and ‘Would you go to bed with me?’ and then there’s just some horn music… ‘Dah-dah-daaaaah-dut-dah, dut-dah-dut!’ You know that song. Dude, yes you do. They were playing that song at that party we went to over at… at, um… you know that dude’s name…” brings up Touch and Go’s “Would You…?”
  • Free songs celebrating the iTunes Music Store’s first anniversary might be songs you’ve heard so many times you could play the chords yourself without ever having taken a guitar lesson in your life, but… they are free, just as God intended online music to be.
  • In addition to being able to publish your playlist on the iTunes Music Store, you can also “publish your ass.” Although documentation was sketchy on how, exactly, that would be accomplished. Actually, there’s just a bullet point that said “iTunes 4.5 allows you to publish your ass.” I don’t know what that means, really. I talked to some other people and they weren’t sure either. We’ll make some calls. I don’t think it’s a typo, because it was on the press release, too. It actually says “…publish your ass, bitch.” It goes on to add, “Yeah, back that fine thing up and publish that ass.” I don’t get it. See, if it was iPhoto, I’d think you could publish pictures of your ass. But iTunes… Hmm. And, anyway, I’m just not sure I want to see most Mac user’s asses. Andy Ihnatko? Shawn King? Jef Raskin? Yeesh.
  • Radio Charts feature provides a convenient way to buy those songs that you can’t remember the name of but can’t get out of your head. Which is so much better than attempting to pry your head open and physically extract the song with a pair of needle-nose pliers. Trust me.
  • In the digital right managment area, Apple has upped the number of computers you can authorize to five, but reduced the number of times you can burn a playlist of purchased music to seven. It has even capped the number of times you can listen to a song at 27 and the number of times you can look at it in your playlist at 123. Apple’s also asked white male iTunes users to completely stop doing that “white guy” dance where you just move your legs a little, move your fists up and down, tilt your shoulders first one way and then the other, and bite your lower lip, because… really… nobody likes that. It’s not even a dance.

Apple expects to celebrate the second anniversary of the iTunes Music Store by cold-cocking you and stealing your wallet.

No Responses to “iTunes 4.5 Released”

  1. bleah says:

    first post

  2. bleah says:

    sorry…couldn’t help it…never been presented with the opportunity to “first post” before…

    Yes, I’m lame.

  3. mick says:

    The new search function is pretty cool. I immediately sent the link to my previous “you know that song…” friend to let him know he’s been replaced.

  4. Spiro T. Agnew says:

    I’m ready to have ‘Stacey’s Mom’ physically extracted from my head with a pair of needle nose pliers. I don’t think there’s any other way.

  5. Föv says:

    fifth post!

    yeah!

  6. paul mccartney says:

    This site is in blatant violation of our copyright of the Apple name. Please cease all violations immediately.

    And thats my damn song too. Idiots.

  7. Ozguru says:

    The free tunes aint free if you don’t have a US billing address 🙁

  8. ZethoMarx says:

    Well, clearly, we in the US don’t give a flying tub of pigshit about the rest of the world.

    Haven’t you figured that out already?

    Have A Nice Day.

  9. ipodguy says:

    Hmm, edgy in here today isn’t it? Man though, I need to listen to this one song for the 28th time but iTunes keeps popping up a window telling me something about erasing my home folder if I don’t stop. Sheesh.

  10. Coombs says:

    I downloaded the free song-just because it was free.

    I really don’t like it that much.

    Can I delete it or will Apple come after me- if I do?

  11. Mr. sdrawkcaB says:

    I’m starting a P2P service to illegally distribute Apple’s free music for 99 cents.

  12. fuddes says:

    The iTunes Music Store still doesn’t sell porn, so I’m still not interested. Doesn’t Apple know what the Internet is really for?

  13. Mac-Gyver says:

    Great episope today guys… you really had me laughing. (Or perhaps it was the 6 rum & cokes)

  14. Laemkral says:

    Party Shuffle confuses me. Everytime I try to use it I begin to get dizzy and then pass out on the floor. When I regain consciousness, my head hurts and I have an extra limb. So far I’m up to 8 arms, 3 heads, 12 legs, 4 livers (all external), 9 eyes, and 12 asses. Heaven knows whats INSIDE. But it’s still a cool feature.

  15. Alan says:

    Re: Stacy’s Mom

    That’s what the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind guy is for. Not NEARLY as painful as the needle nose pliers. TRUST ME on that.

  16. I used to excited about iTunes store coming up here; now I just don’t give a damn. I feel the same way about that flirty bitch on Epsilon Canopus Prime.

  17. Brother Mugga says:

    Okay.

    Just a couple of questions from good olde Blighty.

    1) What precisely is ‘cold-cocking’?

    and

    2) Should I be frightened or just anatomically intrigued?

    Cheers

    Brother Mugga

    PS: See similarly for ‘bum’s rush’.

  18. Maynard DeBarre says:

    DANCE STEP GENERATOR – now that’s the really, really new big thing in iTunes 4.5. Easy to miss, cause it’s been thrown out only seconds before the public release.

    But us “Shufflers” down here in the ADC know what we’re talking about — man, the DSC had us shakin’ from early beta on!

    CARS /almost/ had it rigt on – the “Party Shuffle”-Screenshot was a shot in the right direction.

    But the DSG goes way, WAY beyond that. WAY (imagine a bigger typeface) beyond!

    Do you remember sitting drunk in front of that nifty iBook, completly zoked by OpenGL-garble? Well hold on to your socks (and i *really* mean *hold on….* because…) — DSG combines the hypnotics of arbitrary OpenGL with the power of Serious Dance Steps. Right from the book (Yes, *that* book, i’m sorry, but, man, it’s V. 1.0, so relax.)

    SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE! SHUFFLE!

    (and never look back) (and never look anybody in the eye again, but that’s unrelated) … man, 1.500 ADC-members doing the Quick-Fox in sync… yes, i wish i *could* forget that, but still… if it wasn’t beautiful at least it was… sublime… in an obvious kind of way.

  19. you put the ipod in

    you take the profits out

    you watch the rumor mills

    and then you laugh until steve shouts:

    we’ll sell an HP iPod

    and we’ll let phil catch a trout

    that’s what its all about…

  20. Sunseeker says:

    You wouldn’t actually see other users asses, so much as hear them. I heard a rumour that this will be used in conjunction with a similar feature in Apples new ‘iSmell’ app to be announced at WWDC

  21. Del says:

    Ahh I can see no one read the documentation that came with the new iTunes. Publish your Ass is part of Publish your playlist. Anyone who plublishes a playlist is going to have their own custom album art for that list. Currently the picture for your album cover is required to be your ass.

    I opened up limewire and looked to see what people were searching for today. So far it looks like many people are downloading images of other people’s asses to put on their playlists.

    This has caused the RIAA (Really Into All Asses) to go into an Uproar. A quote from Ken The President of the Company and the head of the Janitorial staff states, “This is so not fair. If everyone downloads the same ass pictures than we lose all variety. Sure I want to see the sexy asses, but sometimes I want to see the ugly ones also. It makes me appreciate the nice ones more.” Ken has threatened to start bringing charges against users who are illegaly downloading and sharingh other people’s asses.

    Apple in return has decided that in order to quell all misuse and abuse of the Publish your Ass feature all users who wish to publish their own playlist must go to an Apple Store and get an employee to photograph their ass for them. The Apple Store employee will then, using Quicktime, code the ass picture to only work with your iTunes account and 5 other Authorized machines with your account.

    I went to the Apple Store last evening and got my cute little ass photographed to be plublished with my playlist.

    Check it out at http://www.minidonks.com/images/SuzieRear01Wa.jpg

  22. Chad says:

    I think the correct term is “cold-clocking” and the correct usage would be “cold clocking your ass”.

  23. Del says:

    I believe coldcock is more commonly used than cold-cock.

    Definition courtecy of http://www.hyperdictionary.com

     

    Definiton Coldcock:

    [v]  knock down with force; “He decked his opponent”

     

    Synonyms:

     deck, dump, floor, knock down

     

  24. it is a dance. chicks dig my white guy dancing………………………………………………………….well one did…. once….. but ……in england dig means to insult……………… i like to dance my way.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Didn’t anybody listen to the press conference? Where Steve announced that the next version of iPod will toast bread and bagels?

    Mike Wendland: Happy anniversary. The iPod has just changed everything. The question now is what’s next for us? So how about full color video, color screen? Do you ever see it morphing into anything like an iPhone all purpose device?

    Steve Jobs: You know, our next big step is we want it to make toast. I want to brown my bagels when I’m listening to my music. And we’re toying, you know, we’re toying with refrigeration, too.

  26. jcd says:

    Dammit moltz, I fail to see how you can credit Rubinstein with the development of the foxtrot step.

  27. cold-cockolded says:

    As long as you’re going to be racist, you could at least have said “*straight* white guy dance.”

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