20 May 04Apple Executive Movements.


The Macintosh world is abuzz today over news of a shuffling of executive roles at the company designed to reorganize along product lines. According to reports, head of Hardware Engineering Jon Rubinstein will now head up a new iPod division while Timothy Cook will run a Macintosh division.

Sources at Apple indicate that as momentous as this reorganization is, it is not the only executive movement under way at the company. According to highly placed individuals, Apple will also enact the following executive movements.

  • Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller will make a jump to the left, then take a step to the right, doing the Time Warp again.
  • Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet will now be known simply as “Carl.”
  • Just days from taking over as Chief Financial Officer, Peter Oppenheimer will be fired and re-hired as Lady Mountbatten, last vicereine of India. As a result, he will also be given access to the ladies executive washroom.
  • Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson will make a surreptitious adjustment to his “area” during a staff meeting that will only be noticed by two snickering quality assurance testers in the back of the room.
  • As part of a prank carried out by several software engineers, Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian’s pants will first be altered to make him think he’s getting fatter, then hemmed to make him think he’s getting taller.
  • iPod line manager Stan Ng will eat an entire party-sized bag of Funyuns on his own and wander about breathing out of his mouth heavily and saying “I don’t feel so good.”
  • General Counsel Nancy Heinen will laugh uproariously out of context and hum an incessant tune that no one can place.
  • CEO Steve Jobs will open the top drawer of his desk and stare into it blankly for several seconds, unable to remember what he was looking for.

More on these stunning changes as they develop.

No Responses to “Apple Executive Movements.”

  1. an architect of sorts says:

    Second Post! yay

    *lifts head slightly*

  2. kman says:

    The Entity must die. What will he do with a mini cooper anyway.

  3. an architect of sorts says:

    Ok, so I saw the headline and thought woah…got toilets? And then I read the article. One movement after another. They really had a lot to get done over there. And I think Ng got the worst of it…ouch! Funyuns are not pretty in or out!

    *hangs head wishing for the chance to buy that mini cooper and take this stinking close pin off*

  4. MacStansbury says:

    Two things:

    1. What do you mean “What will he do with a mini cooper anyway,”?

    2. Just a reminder, badgers that eat hay.

  5. Anonymous says:

    fourth post!

    unless we are not including the entity’s post – then its:-

    third post!

  6. pick nitter says:

    “a surreptitious”

    “stinking clothes pin”

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  7. Earthsaver says:

    Since when do drawers have desks?

    I just can’t imagine seeing Steve pull a fancy work surface out of his jeans!

  8. Andy says:

    He opened the top DESK of his DRAWER? Wow. I assume his desk has drawers, as well, meaning his drawer would be a kind of metadrawer. A drawer of drawers, as it were.

  9. Anonymous says:

    All my first posts ARE BELONG to the Entity?

    Very perceptive, Earthsaver, you were first.

  10. Coombs says:

    Last post!

    Let’s see Entity beat that!

    PS: How about a Toyota Prius for last post??

    It does not hurt to ask. If that were to come about, will Entity post both first and last? Why does he want two cars anyway? He is starting to get greedy, if you ask me.

  11. John Moltz says:

    Yes, “are belong”. As in “ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.”

    Google it.

  12. Aaron says:

    I for one am deeply impressed by the use of the word “vicereine.” It should be noted that while not official, governors-general of Canada (and presumably Australia, New Zealand, etc.) are often called viceroys and of them the adjective “vice-regal” is used. (For example vice-regal is used on this page: http://www.gg.ca/john-ralston-saul/index_e.asp) That makes Adrienne Clarkson an actual vicereine.

  13. The Entity says:

    Hey, it’s my company and I’ll first post all I want to!

  14. Laemkral says:

    The energy being has a point there….this is his company as he does finance it with whatever foreign currency his own dimension uses. That being said, I’d like to interest the Entity in a business propsition whereby he and I would create a television series starring ourselves as superhero ninja detectives. Each action packed mystery of a special effects extravaganza of a show would be guarenteed to bring in an audience and he could have some funky saying cause he’s from a different planet and I’d be the serious straight man with a love for burning things and every now and then I try to burn the Entity but he stops me and makes some ’50s style remark and we all have a good laugh before I beat up on the criminal once more with my club made from a badger’s head.

    So if he decides to go for it, I will be pitching it to all the networks. Except UPN.

  15. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    welcome fuddes.

  16. Cai says:

    This has the potential of getting sillier than the MEGA POST!

    although nothing can compare to the MEGA POST!

    I havent seen the Entity post in the MEGA POST……maybe he doesnt know about the MEGA POST!

    I think everyone should post in the MEGA POST!

    But then thats me……

    psssst…….

    MEGA POST!

    *giggles*

  17. UhhhDude says:

    Denny Crane.

    Uhh wait…Isn’t this Television Without Pity?

    D’oh.

    Well, OK, then. Let’s try this:

    Apple…the only place on earth where our org chart looks like Picasso’s Guernica.

  18. Nathan Strum says:

    Not UPN? You might want to rethink that. They’re going to need something to fill up Enterprise’s slot.

    Of course, nobody would watch it on UPN, but that pretty much goes without saying.

    Talk about your small market share.

    See how nicely I dovetailed that back into Apple?

    Speaking of non-sequitors… what’s Tentaculous up to these days?

  19. Coombs says:

    Is it possible to sneak in a Last Post without The Entity constantly perusing all the comments sections, including the Mega one to ensure he gets in all of them?

    Since Entity owns this enterprise, can he get in a First post even if he posts later (i.e the posts get rearranged)?

    On the other hand, if the CARS employees don’t let him post first, will the unthinkable happen?

    So here goes: Last post!?…

  20. Chris says:

    Last post! (Post-mortem?)

  21. an architect of sorts says:

    This is for Cai. Get over it we have moved on you should do the same. The “Mega Post” is history. Let it be such and wait for the next time CARS goes on vacation. good greif

    *hangs head with disgusted look as if to say “Stop bugging us with that damn “Mega Post”!*

  22. an architect of sorts says:

    Lastly Posted recently!

  23. The Guy Who Posts says:

    Do you like this post?

  24. Shareholder says:

    So, I hadn’t had Funyons in a number of years–probably since I was kid–and I came across them in the store recently and thought, “Hunh, I remember these.”

    “Maybe I’ll buy a bag.”

    Whoo-boy, big mistake. Just the most nasty, chemically-artificial onion flavor you can imagine.

    Yuck.

  25. Cai says:

    *gasps*

    Let go of the Mega Post?

    Noooooooooo!

    It’s like my faithful SE 30, it’s still got life in it, it’s still a valid part of my life and my existence….

    I love it almost as dearly as the poor kitten which got run over by a truck…….I loved that kitten…..and I love the Mega Post too!!!

    I bet the Entity loves the Mega Post!

    Bleah!

  26. Joe says:

    Mmmmm…. chemical onion flavor….

    *drool*

  27. Not just lurking says:

    First Post After Last Post!

    Whoopie!

    Wait, Um, I’m starting to get confused.

    Damn those funyons…

  28. KINGY says:

    JOHNNY COME HOME DAMNIT!!! JOHNNY OF MOLTZ!!!

  29. KINGY says:

    BTW, last post. đŸ˜‰

  30. Yay Boy says:

    Final Post

    YAY!!!!YAY!!!!!YAY!!!!!!!YAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAYYAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! I can’t stand IT any more. (deep inhale) YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Posted by Yay Boy who wants you to see your bandwidth at work.

  31. Dear entitity,

    Please can you send me back in time? I wish to meet and converse with the ancient masters of yore. Oh, and can you hook me up with a couple hundred powerbook batteries and maybe a small power generator? And perhaps a little sumthin’ for the ladies – you know what I mean!

    -wandering ascetic

  32. Yay Boy says:

    YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  33. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Wow, this is really disintegrating into several factors worse than silliness.

  34. Cai says:

    It’s the New World Yay-Order!

  35. The Guy Who Posts Things says:

    First of all, I would like to say hello.

    Second, I go now.

  36. Cai, the burnt lesbian midgets are STILL waiting for you in the mega post.

    Go back now, before the Cheeze Whiz gets too warm. Or not warm enough.

    Confusing, isn’t it?

  37. Cai says:

    Lesbians?

    Cheese?

    *gasps*

    I….clean…..forgot…..*runs back to the MEGA POST*

  38. Jon Wedaman says:

    hmm… Apple Executive Role-Playing….