Apple Executive Movements.

The Macintosh world is abuzz today over news of a shuffling of executive roles at the company designed to reorganize along product lines. According to reports, head of Hardware Engineering Jon Rubinstein will now head up a new iPod division while Timothy Cook will run a Macintosh division.

Sources at Apple indicate that as momentous as this reorganization is, it is not the only executive movement under way at the company. According to highly placed individuals, Apple will also enact the following executive movements.

  • Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller will make a jump to the left, then take a step to the right, doing the Time Warp again.
  • Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet will now be known simply as “Carl.”
  • Just days from taking over as Chief Financial Officer, Peter Oppenheimer will be fired and re-hired as Lady Mountbatten, last vicereine of India. As a result, he will also be given access to the ladies executive washroom.
  • Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson will make a surreptitious adjustment to his “area” during a staff meeting that will only be noticed by two snickering quality assurance testers in the back of the room.
  • As part of a prank carried out by several software engineers, Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian’s pants will first be altered to make him think he’s getting fatter, then hemmed to make him think he’s getting taller.
  • iPod line manager Stan Ng will eat an entire party-sized bag of Funyuns on his own and wander about breathing out of his mouth heavily and saying “I don’t feel so good.”
  • General Counsel Nancy Heinen will laugh uproariously out of context and hum an incessant tune that no one can place.
  • CEO Steve Jobs will open the top drawer of his desk and stare into it blankly for several seconds, unable to remember what he was looking for.

More on these stunning changes as they develop.