After several weeks of searching, Apple software engineers have determined that the source of an unbearable stench in the Applications department is the source code for AppleWorks, the company’s neglected entry-level document, spreadsheet, database and presentation creation software.
Senior Vice President of Applications Sina Tamaddon said “AppleWorks has reached a little known stage of the software development process known as ‘fetid’.”
Beyond the “Maintenance” stage, the “Fetid” stage indicates an application so neglected that its code literally has the stench of decay.
“Christ, I thought something had died in here,” said Apple software engineer Paul Brister, who identified the source of the odor.
“Turns out I was right.”
Brister continued to stand by the door waving fresh air into the room with a file folder.
While AppleWorks has the smell of being dead, its official status is still up in the air.
“I wish Steve would just make a decision on this thing,” Tamaddon said. “He’s usually so decisive. The guy’s like Jack Bauer. The only time I’ve seen him even somewhat conflicted was when he was forced to kill a coworker.
“I mean Jack Bauer. Not Steve. Steve’s never had to kill a coworker. As far as you know. You didn’t hear that from me. I’ll deny that in a court of law.”
The stench of decay emanating from AppleWorks and today’s release of Office 2004 for the Mac throw a splash of cold water on rumors of a updated “pro” version of AppleWorks that would take on Office’s place on the Mac desktop.
“Ha-ha!” laughed Tamaddon and Brister. “AppleWorks ‘Pro’! Ha-ha! That’s great! Yeah, we’ve been hard at work on that! Any day now! Oh, man, you’re killing me!”
“Seriously, though…” Tamaddon said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes and composing himself.
“Steve never killed anyone. Really. I mean that.”