19 May 04AppleWorks Source Code Starting To Smell.

After several weeks of searching, Apple software engineers have determined that the source of an unbearable stench in the Applications department is the source code for AppleWorks, the company’s neglected entry-level document, spreadsheet, database and presentation creation software.

Senior Vice President of Applications Sina Tamaddon said “AppleWorks has reached a little known stage of the software development process known as ‘fetid’.”

Beyond the “Maintenance” stage, the “Fetid” stage indicates an application so neglected that its code literally has the stench of decay.

“Christ, I thought something had died in here,” said Apple software engineer Paul Brister, who identified the source of the odor.

“Turns out I was right.”

Brister continued to stand by the door waving fresh air into the room with a file folder.

While AppleWorks has the smell of being dead, its official status is still up in the air.

“I wish Steve would just make a decision on this thing,” Tamaddon said. “He’s usually so decisive. The guy’s like Jack Bauer. The only time I’ve seen him even somewhat conflicted was when he was forced to kill a coworker.

“I mean Jack Bauer. Not Steve. Steve’s never had to kill a coworker. As far as you know. You didn’t hear that from me. I’ll deny that in a court of law.”

The stench of decay emanating from AppleWorks and today’s release of Office 2004 for the Mac throw a splash of cold water on rumors of a updated “pro” version of AppleWorks that would take on Office’s place on the Mac desktop.

“Ha-ha!” laughed Tamaddon and Brister. “AppleWorks ‘Pro’! Ha-ha! That’s great! Yeah, we’ve been hard at work on that! Any day now! Oh, man, you’re killing me!”

“Seriously, though…” Tamaddon said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes and composing himself.

“Steve never killed anyone. Really. I mean that.”

No Responses to “AppleWorks Source Code Starting To Smell.”

  1. Not The Entity says:

    Second post?

  2. scooter says:

    Couldn’t resist could you, eh The Entity?

    I have some files you can put away if you’re bored. Or maybe *you* could get this AppleWorks thing taken care of.

  3. Yeah, well, try running Microsoft Office 2004 on your Apple IIe.

    Or even a IIc.

    Oh…by the way…anyone seen a purple pony with a “GoLive for Idiots” book?

    Just wondering.

  4. MacStansbury says:

    hey, is there a way to ban the dang Entity? I mean, I don’t want to get anybody mad or start a flame war or anything, but can’t somebody else win, just for once? Huh?

    And by the way, while I never had a preference for either Joel or Mike, I think that the fun of the show could have kept going with Joel, but it would’ve gotten stale. So that makes me flamely agnostic, I guess.

  5. John Moltz says:

    This week is the Entity’s. We’ll go back to the usual mad scramble for the coveted first post next week.

  6. Leibnitz, N. says:

    I don’t want to start any trouble, really, but…

    If First Post is always from The Entity in a pre-ordained fashion, doesn’t that essentially define second post as first post, since The Entity’s post isn’t really a post at all, but rather the promise of a post entry? Thus, since the promissory act is fulfilled with the first-posted First Post on Monday, all subsequent First Posts by The Entity are reflected First Posts, and the actual First Post is the post that is posted first, i.e. the second post on any given day after Monday. So, ipso facto, second comment=First Post and may be labeled as such. Except in the Southern Hemisphere, where the water drains backwards.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Oh, I thought you meant Jack Bowers.


    He’s pretty decisive as well.

  8. Laemkral says:

    Leibnitz, that’s just utter genius what you speak. Heretical also cause I mean the Entity is clearly a more powerful figurehead that you are, and he has Moltz backing him. Therefore, it is my decision that we simply burn Cai. With an iFlame.

  9. scooter says:

    But what about situations like we had today. The Entity posts first and second. Does that make me first post?

    ‘Cause if so, that was sort of a hollow victory. My first post ever and I first-posted but I didn’t even say “First Post” because it was really third post. I agree with MacStansbury. Burn ’em at the stake- er. Regulate the Entity to content laiden posts only.

    Isn’t he supposed to be all knowing anyway? Seems like he could apply himself a bit more.

  10. Cimmerius says:

    Steve killed me once.

  11. an architect of sorts says:

    Laaaaaaaaast post…!

    *hangs head with two fingers squeezing nose in a laundry pin fassion*

  12. RMR says:

    How do they know the fetid smell isn’t coming from Keynote?

    You remember, the presentation software that was going to take on PowerPoint? Steve uses it at WWDC? I think I saw Moltz using it once at MacWorld-Peoria.

  13. Aaron says:

    Yes, if the Entity always gets first post, then there is a race for second post… but it doesn’t *look* as cool, and since the appearance of cool is the only advantage to anybody doing this, it’s less likely to be important. Which is all to the good. I think the Entity should continue to do it.

    (Note that this says nothing about the *reality* of cool, which really shouldn’t come into it, at least around here.)

    Personally I’d rather actually have the Entity’s opinion on each post than a plain “First Post.” But hey, what do you expect from somebody who likes Baked Lays…

  14. Yuri says:

    I dunno about dead or dying, but I sure wish Apple would get its act together on Hypercard. Educators love it and it was the basis for ComicBase collection management software. Worst of all, this was a Mac-only product for years and now it’s Windoze only!

  15. Patrick says:

    Yeah, I had me some of that laundry pin fassion once. Or was it launching pin fission? Or honey bun fishin’?

  16. Pirate Roberts says:

    Wasn’t the original Myst largely a series of Hypercard stacks?

    O course, that probably explains why you could take a bathroom break after each click of the mouse.

  17. fuddes says:

    Isn’t it sad that I’ve been forced to post here because PerversionTracker is too damn lazy to update? To hell with them. I’m saddling up with the John Moltz team.

  18. ipodguy says:

    red rum

    red rum

    red rum


  19. alienzed says:

    good one!!!