21 May 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I read today about LoadPod, which is a service that will rip all your CDs and put them on your iPod. It takes them five days and they charge you $1.50 per CD. My question is, what kind of incredible fat ass do you have to be too lazy to pop a CD in your computer and click a button?

A: Oh, see, you’re looking at it all wrong. It’s about opportunity cost. Sure, you could do it yourself, but wouldn’t you rather be doing other things? Your time is important!

Q: What?! No it isn’t! Besides, haven’t these idiots heard of this new operating system feature called multitasking? You can do something else!

A: No, no, no! I mean something else away from the computer!

Q: Away from the computer?! Are you crazy! What the hell would I do away from the computer?! Anyway, you can still walk away while the CD is ripping! Hello?! Is it me? It’s not me, right?

A: OK, but can’t you see how this would appeal to people who have a whole mess of money?

Q: Yes. OK. Sure. I see how this could be a service that would be appreciated by people who have a lot of money. And also happen to have big, fat asses. So, if I may attempt to describe the target market here, I’d say it would be big, rich, lazy fat asses who lie around in a tub of melted butter being fed bon bons by attractive young women dressed up as Catholic school girls. It’s an interesting market niche. I would have liked to see their business plan.

A: You’re just not gonna let this go, are you?


Q: I see that Apple and W hotels are in a deal to promote iTunes. That’s all well and good for people who can afford to stay in such snooty places, but what about us average Joes? Isn’t Apple supposed to be the company for the rest of us? What about the guy who stays at the Comfort Inn? The Super 8? The Shilo Inn?

A: Yeah! The Howard Johnson’s! The Days Inn!

Q: The Holiday Inn!

A: The Lewis Valley Motor Lodge!

Q: The Cumfy Rest!

A: You made that one up.

Q: The methadone clinic on 12th and Latona!

A: Huh?

Q: Under the bridge down by where people throw their old sofas off the overpass!

A: Uh…

Q: A wet cardboard box in the middle of the freeway!

A: I’m… not…

Q: Lying naked and drunk in the dumpster behind McMurdo Station!

A: That’s… that’s in Antartica…

Q: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! MOMMIE! MOMMIE!


Q: This is all very disturbing. The Mac has always had a high-end reputation, but these kinds of upper-crust associations can only hurt its broader appeal. I think Apple needs to counter with a campaign aimed at the lower end of the market.

A: Well, what about the Pepsi/iTunes promotion?

Q: No. I’m talking lower than that.

A: Um, RC Cola?

Q: Lo-wer.

A: Generic?

Q: Mmm. No. Still too high. What’s that cola that just gives you the syrup and you let it interact with your own spit?

A: Um… I don’t think there really is a cola like that. At any rate, that kind of association doesn’t seem good for Apple. I think they’re better off with a quality image, don’t you?

Q: Hmm. Well… couldn’t they at least spell quality with a “k”?

A: You mean… like… “Apple makes… kwality computers?”

Q: Well, yes. Or… and I’m just dream sheeting here… “Apple makes kwality komputers.” Mmm?

A: Uh, yeah. I think you should leave now.

Q: Ohhh…

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. The Entity says:

    This concludes my week of first posts. I hope we’ve all learned something.

    I learned what socks are for. Which might seem odd but, remember, I don’t have feet such as you know them.

  2. Adam Jackson says:

    damn you entity!

  3. Gary says:

    Nice feat-first posts all week.

  4. Randy says:

    Almost as if he were the one posting

  5. Randy says:

    The one posting the article, that is.

  6. Abe Linconlogski says:

    On this topic of where Apple fits into society help me answer this question.

    Is “Apple” Republican or Democrat?

    Let’s look at Steve:

    Vegan : Democrat

    Owns his own Jet: Republican

    Doesn’t wear a suit: Democrat

    Sometime Kills his employee’s: Republican

    Thanks Employee’s at end of Keynote’s: Democrat

    Drinks Evian: Republican

    Any more? What do you guys think?

  7. Shareholder (D) says:

    Okay, Linconlogski, what are you trying to start here?

  8. Hurls employees through glass plate window for eating last fruit cup. (F)

    Actually, Steve has already done a leveraged buyout of the Democratic Party. It just hasn’t been made public. And yes, Gates owns the GOP.

    I understand the whole thing, you know, world domination and the whole shadows on the desktop thing, will be sorted out via a big, messy robot fight which destroys Detroit. (As if anyone could tell the difference).

  9. Abe Linconlogski says:

    Hey, I’m a uniter not a divider.

  10. PensDevil says:

    I think that last caller was referring to Moxie. Only, it doesn’t interact with saliva in a good way. Unless you consider wretched, tongue curling disgust good. Or, if you dump the contents of an entire Pixie Stix into your mouth and then pour in the Moxie before swallowing the sugary pixely yumminess.

  11. Kent Kline (formerly known as Kent Cline) says:

    Why do we have the letter “C”? What kan the letter “C” do that the letter “K” kan’t? Why does a “C” sometimes sound like an “S”? In this case it could be replased by, well, an “S”. And why I’m on the subjekt, how ’bout the letter “Q”? It kould easily be replased by the kombination of a “K” and a “W”. Long live the letter “K”!

  12. scooter says:

    “pixely humminess” that doesn’t interact well with saliva.

    Like Aqua… if you replace your cinema display cable with your tongue.

    Either way you’re getting one heck of a buzz.

  13. Jon says:

    Abe Lincolnlogski brings up an interesting topic, but he asked the wrong question.

    “Apple” is _neither_ Republican nor Democrat; it’s Libertarian.

    (And M$ owns _both_ the Republicans and the Democrats, BTW!)

    (Democrats and Republicans both want Government to control over your life; the only difference is which part. Democrats want to control your public life; Republicans want to control your private life.)

    Apple, like the Libertarians, want you to be able to control your own life!

  14. He Who Winks in Darkness by the Light of an Ovoid Eyeball says:

    I think Abe Lincolnlogski use’s too many apostrophe’s in his post’s, but that’s just me.

    By the way, CARS was extra-funny every day this week, I want to thank you for the laffs with something special I’m sure you will enjoy.

    But, I guess this fun-sized Almond Joy from last halloween will have to do!

  15. soosy says:

    Another great help desk!! You’re awesome.

  16. fuddes says:

    If we’ve all learned something from this week, it’s that Entity doesn’t have anything to do.

  17. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    wot aboot woz ?

  18. Cai says:

    What about the cheese?

  19. Fabrizio says:

    What about Pop Rocks? Isn’t that how you always though dehidrated pepsi would taste?

  20. Waffles 20099 says:

    What about the children?

    Won’t someone think about the children?

    Anyone?

    Bueller?

  21. Patrick says:

    Sometime Kills his employee’s: Republican

    Thanks Employee’s at end of Keynote’s: Democrat

    ==========

    Knows how to make a singular noun plural: Republican

  22. John says:

    I actually stayed in the W hotel NY for a week once, It’s a really nice place, and seems to fit Apples style. That’s the first iTunes deal that actually seems to make sense, company-wise, i think.

  23. Tenniru says:

    That dosen’t change the fact that they should add support to the dumpster at McMurdo Station.

  24. UhhhDude says:

    Everyone knows all Mac users are socialists.

    I mean, it’s in Das Kapital, dammit! Page 59! Right under the picture of Marx using a Mac Colour Classic!

    Rush, are you listening?

  25. Joe says:

    You know… it sounds kind of like Steve is confused over with political affliation he is attached to. I think he should settle it via trail by kombat. However, violence would seem to be too Republican. Therefore, it should be balanced by holding the even in a forum similar to Dave Chappel’s Friday Night Sissy Fights.

    Um… sorry. I’d just really like to see a presidential debate degenerate into a slap-fight.

  26. Bellidancer says:

    via trail by kombat.

    Did you mean…

    trail by Wombat?

    or

    trial by combat?

    or

    trial by Kombat(tm) (This I assume pits the candidates in a one-on-one face off playing old video games. I like this option alot.)

  27. Bellidancer says:

    However, if simulated human violence is too extreme, how about Frogger?

    I really like the image of politicos going splat!!! on the freeway.

    If simulated amphibian violence is too extreme, how about a more positive competition that might actually tell us something about the candidates. A tournament where the candidates play a series of games design to test various skills.

    Zoo Tycoon – business skills, managing hostile and non sentient lifeforms(the congress), and enviromental awareness

    Civ III – managing a world power, forcing other civilizations to submit to your will

    Sims – social skills

    Any suggestions?

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