24 May 04Jobs Kicks Buddha's Ass.


Swelled by the success of the iPod, the iTunes Music store, Pixar, his regeneration of the Macintosh line, and status as advisor to presidential candidates, Apple CEO Steve Jobs has kicked Buddha’s ass in three rounds of no-hold-barred ultimate fighting.

“Yeah, the Awakened One talked a lot of smack,” a visibly pumped-up Jobs said, “but ultimately he folded like a cheap card table.”

“Whoo! Yeah!” Jobs yelled, jumping up and down and punching the air.

Pointing his finger into the lense of a television camera, Jobs said “You’re next, Christ! Mohammed? I’m coming for you, baby! You’re all going down! Yeah!”

“Uh… that’s… not on…” a nearby cameraman said, but Jobs, unheedful, continued his blasphemous diatribe.

“Well… never mind,” the cameraman said, wandering off in search of a doughnut.

Controversy has already begun to swirl around Jobs’ supposed victory over Rightly Self-Awakened One.

“Naturally, I didn’t fight back,” Buddha said. “I’ve kind of got this whole peace thing going, you know? You might have heard about it… kinda seeking the unexcelled state of sublime peace… Ring any bells? No?

“Anyway, seeing him jump around like that… kind of makes me wish I had sucker-punched him in the back of the neck when I had the chance. What a dick.”

Theologians, meanwhile, expressed concern that Jobs does not apparently understand that his defeat of the Worthy One does not grant him any particular standing in theological world.

“Theology is not like a pirate ship,” said University of Puget Sound religion professor Jonathan Stockdale. “You don’t work your way up by beating up deities.

“Plus, it doesn’t help that he’s dancing around like he just caught a Hail Mary in the last fifteen seconds of the SuperBowl. What a dick.”

For all of Jobs’ bravado, he has continued to ignore repeated challenges from Shiva.

In his dressing room, wearing a robe emblazoned with “The Destroyer” across the back, Shiva issued a simple statement to Jobs, looking up only briefly as he calmly filed his nails.

“Bring it… bitch.”

No Responses to “Jobs Kicks Buddha's Ass.”

  1. EMan says:

    What about, like, Thundar the Barbarian? I bet he could kick Job’s ass. Is Thundar a diety?

  2. EMan says:

    Oh, wait– what are you supposed to write on the first post? Something about bases belonging to someone-or-other?

  3. John Moltz says:

    No. He’s a barbarian. I would have thought that was obvious.

    He probably worshipped Crom or something, though.

  4. inabeanpod says:

    What about Ralph the Toilet god? I bet Steve Jobs could kick his butt too!!

  5. Garnack says:

    Well that explains a lot. I thought I read that Jobs ‘kissed’ Buddha’s ass. I was worried that Steve might be crushed by Buddha’s mighty big butt.

    I can sleep better now.

  6. curl says:

    What about Cain from Kung Fu? But he kicked ass all the time! Just the other day, he shot Uma Thurman in the face! It was totally sweet. But then, I guess he got enlightened or whatever, ‘coz she ended up kicking *his* ass.

    As the Buddha always said, “C’est la vie.”

  7. Joe Nietzsche says:

    I suppose this was the next logical step after Apple Legal whipped the Church of Satan’s ass. What I’d really like to see is Jobs take on Satan himself, rather than his minions. I mean, fighting it out with operating systems and copy-protected songs is fine, but where’s the drama? Let’s just let Steve and Billy duke it out in a Death Match! Winner gets the Universe!

  8. Anonymous says:

    It must take Shiva a while to file his nails.

  9. David says:

    Funniest God-damn thing I’ve ever read.

  10. an architect of sorts says:

    Great, fan-damn-tastic! That’s what I say.

    I wonder about Thor, or Mars, or Hades or any of the old timers from back in the Roman or Greek days. I bet they could whomp Jobs. They had no “state of sublime peace” what so ever! Just a set of really big weapons.

    You know I bet Athena could whip Gates’ ass too she’s way more woman than he could ever handle.

    However…Shiva, my money is on Jobs!

    *lifts head with delighted anticipation of destruction that is so eminent*

  11. nerd says:

    Kill… Bill…?

  12. AM says:

    Not many people know this but Jobs dated Aphrodite, Athena, Venus, Freya and the Goddess Lakshm before meeting his wife.

    He’s down with The Olympians, Roman Divinities, Vedic gods and goddesses, and Asgardians. In fact Thor is a Mac user as is his brother Loki (contrary to popular belief he’s the god of trickery, not evil.)

    The gods, long retired from the deity business were venture capitalists in the mid to late seventies and invested heavily in the upstart company.

    Early Apple employees organized monthly potlucks with many of the old gods. They would often last for days, if not, weeks. Mercury would often hold off his sun chariot duties to accomidate the festivities.

    Woz tips his hat to the old days and his mentor, Zeus, with his company named “The Wheels of Zeus.” It also happened to be what they called their little clique of friends led by Zeus.

    It’s kinda funny that Jobs’ next battle is versus Shiva considering that he was romantically linked with the Goddess Lakshm. In Hindu all the gods and goddesses are manifestations, or different facets of the Supreme One or Paramatman. Could this be a lover’s quarrel? đŸ˜‰

  13. Brother Mugga says:

    Actually, theology is *exactly* like a pirate ship.

    Just ask any theologian.

    Alternatively (to avoid the chance of being seen talking to one in public), simply randomly select pretty much any paragraph from a book on Greek, Roman, or (particularly) Nordic mythology.

    When’s Job’s going to go 15 fathoms with the Kkkkkkraken?

    In blancmange.

    Mmmmmm; blancmange.

    Peace be upon you all.

    Brother Mugga

  14. Tenniru says:

    It’s gonna get ugly when Eh, Steve goes up against Chu… Chuthy… that one green dude with the red eyes.

  15. ZethoMarx says:

    Y’know, it’s hilarious to call Jobs a “dick”.

    And, obviously, it must be twice as hilarious to call him a “dick” twice. Especially if it’s a theologian who’s doing it. Because, like, that would be really strong language for a theologian to be using.

    And a cameraman … who eats doughnuts! That’s brilliant! It’d be even way more funnier if he was a cop, too! In his spare time!

    Do the whole next episode about a cameraman/cop. Please? Pretty please? With lots of doughnut jokes.

  16. Cai says:

    Secret messages in posts? I never would’ve guessed…..woooo! heh!

    Although they DO exist, who wouldve though they were here!

    Very enlightening I think! And usefull too although I now thing

    Everyone will be posting a secret message of some sort, no?

    Tempting as it may be to post such a message I feel it quite

    Hard to come up with anything really decent to embed!

    Ehhhhhhhh, my head is caving in under the pressure! *giggles*

    Maybe someone can give me somme suggestions??? hmm?

    Eccles of the Bill, may have something to say about this!?

    Gak! My head….My spleeeeeeeeen! *crack, crunch, snap*

    Aaaaaaiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *sploich*

    Post….gasps….must post……!

    Oh my….I’m getting desperate…can you tell……*cries*

    Sorry…but….I cry….the post….the messages…..the secret!

    Too much to take………..aiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee! *BANG*

  17. No, Dr. says:

    Jobs and Woz must have made a lot of Greek Gods angry to name their Company “Apple”, and thereby stump their divine noses into memories of the infamous Kalisti Situation… and pricing the Apple I at $ 666 must have made Christianity angry… and then the byte out of the Apple… Wowo…

  18. ap says:

    I laughed. Excellent.

  19. Fringe says:

    The last line is the best. Great story.

    Let’s see Jobs kick Thor’s ass.

  20. MacGeek says:

    Yes, Cai – very nice. We get the “secret” message.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Not to be a spoilsport, but as a Buddhist I found this to be an uncomfortable, disrespectful read. Anyone else?

  22. Scott M. says:

    As a Buddhist and a Mac user I found it to be extremely hilarious. If there is one thing that Buddhists generally know how to do, it is laugh. C’mon, Buddhist-with-no-name, lighten up. We’re supposed to be concerned with reality, not the frivolous humour of a website.

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