26 May 04Fred Anderson's Retirement Party Preparations.


In honor of CFO Fred Anderson’s upcoming retirement, Apple is throwing a “Beer Bash” tomorrow afternoon in Caffe Macs.

In addition to some rather unremarkable items such as, of course, “beer” and “strippers”, the list of items being requisitioned contains several items that raise questions about the nature of Anderson’s retirement party. Crazy Apple Rumors Site turns its years of Apple expertise to the list to provide some insight.

  • 1 large NFL-sized jug of Gatoraide – At first thought to be for dumping on the retiring Anderson as a sign of a job well done, it may in fact be to rehydrate him after performing the Trials of Kutharthnick, 27 feats of strength required per the terms of Apple’s standard employment package to receive retirement benefits. That would also explain the cyclops, hydra and three sightless hags. (Editor’s Note: this could go either way, as emails from Apple employees indicate the cyclops is always invited to these kinds of events, but not the hydra. Also, the hags are, apparently, just some ladies from accounting. Our apologies.)
  • 14 pot bellied pigs – The pigs are not on the list so much for the purposes of the party as they are just to get them out of Senior Vice President Tim Cook’s office where he’s been raising them as part of a 4H project.
  • The dismembered corpse of Jimmy Hoffa – This not-so-subtle message from the other Apple executives acknowledges that Anderson holds secrets they hope he keeps. By setting it in a prominent place, Apple executives hope to say to the retiring CFO “Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.” Or maybe “Dead men tell no tales.” Or possibly “Welcome to the Garden State!” or “Go, Giants!” Although, admittedly, those last two are rather unlikely.
  • 18 sprigs of fresh parsley – Most likely to simply be used as a garnish for the paella, but also possibly for the goats. (Editor’s Note: upon further investigation, the 17th Trial of Kutharthnick turns out to be eating 18 sprigs of parsley. Most people can’t make it past five.)
  • 30 virgins – This is deceptively exciting as this is just the OS X development team.
  • 1 Golden Chalice – It’s… just for Steve. He’s got this thing about drinking out of a golden chalice. Pff.

The event starts at 5 PM and concludes at 8, with the usual human sacrifice and offering to Supay, Incan god of death and lord of the underworld.

No Responses to “Fred Anderson's Retirement Party Preparations.”

  1. Louzer says:

    First post baby!

  2. Not Louzer says:

    Second post baby!

  3. PoisedNoise says:

    Damnit lousy third post….

  4. iAlien says:

    My first post is the fourth! or is it?

  5. Jack says:

    I am fifth but what if I post at the same instant as someone else will i be six???

  6. Shareholder says:

    Just so John doesn’t get uptight, this post is about the retirement party story, not about what number post this is.

    Ahh, who am I kidding? Sixth post! YEE-HAH!

  7. iAlien says:

    hmmm? that’s what I was thinking… but the answer is really quite simple. You see, when your post packet reaches the server, and another poster’s also reaches the server at the same time a packet fight ensues. This packet fight is the arbitration for who’s post comes first, or in your case sixth. The packets square off and begin the melee and usually the larger of the two packets is the victor. So, just make sure you send a message with *LOTS* of characters so you’re packet is bigger, and thus the bad-asseder of the two… (I’m bored today, sorry)

  8. Bellidancer says:

    People! It has gotten out of control. This infantile obsession over first posts is crazy.

    oh yeah… crazy…doh

    oh well never mind…keep posting {viewers}

    On to more important matters.

    Wow!!! What a story!!!!!! CARS has blown the lid off a extremely well kept secret. Are you aware of how well the Trial of Kutharthnick has been kept secret? This is possibility the *FIRST* time any information about the Trials has appeared in public. Just try a google search…know what you’ll get….NOTHING!!!!!!

    Wow!!! And for CARS to have broken the story. What a feather in your cap, John. I smell Pulitzer.

    But, John, you have left us hanging. What are the rest of the Trials? Is the fabled Run of Fasxiuapicvix (sewing 200 links of week-old bratwurst on to a suit of longwear and then running through the lion enclosure at the San Diego Wild Animal Park part of the Trials?

    Do any of the trials involve sexbots?

  9. lantzn says:

    Are the strippers virgins to?

  10. an architect of sorts says:

    Dang you mean you have to put a lot of characters into your packet to make it bigger? I’m sorry to hear that. Which doctor prescribes your characters?

    *hangs head sighs in that ‘Wobbly Headed Bob’ http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dungeon/8571/bob.html sort of way*

    Excelent story John. I knew Jobs had a gold chalice… I just knew it!

  11. itself says:

    > Are the strippers virgins to?

    Not unless the strippers are part of the OS X development team.

  12. Garnack says:

    1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11…

    Darn… 12th post. Well that means I fail the 14th test which is being first post for a whole week.

    Poop!

  13. Adam Jackson says:

    “30 virgins – This is deceptively exciting as this is just the OS X development team.”

    haha! i will be laughing at that all day!

  14. The Sexbot Union Rep says:

    Sexbots, performing various acts of depravity, are the 27th Trial of Kutharthnick. Any attempt to represent any Trial of Kutharthnick as more physically challenging or emotionally difficult than the Sexbots 27th Trial would be considered slanderous and approprate legal actions will be taken. The least of which will certainly be to place a gag order on this site enjoining it from further communications. We would also fry your ass.

    P.S. Strippers and Virgins? Puulleezze. Fred deserves no less than a complete squadron of Sexbots.

  15. The Sexbot Union Rep says:

    Oh yeah – First post ever on this site! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee-zzzapp

    (Sexbot squeal of delight).

  16. Coombs says:

    If you guys are all done…

    Last post!

  17. miles says:

    afraid not.

    The thirty virgins line was one of the funniest things I think I’ve ever read on CARS.

  18. Louzer says:

    Umm, isn’t anyone concerned that this might have been a SURPRISE party, and now Fred, a long-time reader of CARS (part of his tasks were to keep up on the coming apocalypse), the surprise is toast.

    Way to go guys!

  19. Wow, John great reading.

    You have such a gift to share with the world, don’t you?

    Thankfully, antibiotics will clear that right up.

  20. ZethoMarx says:

    Feats of strength?

    It’s a Festivus miracle!

  21. fuddes says:

    When is John Moltz’s retirement party?

  22. Insider says:

    Ummmm… I’m not a virgin. But it has been a long time.

  23. ipodguy says:

    Ehhhh… okay then!

    Great article. 30 virgins, that’s like a stroke of… a stroke of… genius… or blind accuracy.

  24. Cyanide says:

    I think the OS X team should get some. Not fun to wake up to your iBook getting aqua all over your foot.

  25. asjb says:

    That 30 virgins thing was really bloody funny.

    Ah Moltzy, ya funny bugger!

  26. EMan says:

    uh… I’m a bit worried about the “human sacrifices” bit. Aren’t Incan sacrifices usually virgins, too? Or is that just the Aztecs? In any case, I’m really concerned about any delays to OS X 10.4 (Tiger). And keeping the blood off the pretty OS X boxes.

  27. anna says:

    Gartoraide, right? And where was the jug of Kool-Ade? Sloppy i call this!

  28. anna says:

    aaahm… someone want to buy a “r”? Before it goes eBay?

    (did i say “sloppy”?)

  29. scooter says:

    ahem… anna.

    Hate to tell you this, but one cannot buy a consonant. One can only purchase vowels. Consonants result in a credit to the “bidders” account for each that is located if available.

    Or you can solve the puzzle.

    It’s called the Sajak rule.

  30. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Excellent story!

    And I think lantzn has stumbled upon something here. Virgin strippers. What a concept! Never been done before, has it? We could market this thing and make…hundreds!

  31. As CARS fans wait for today’s update, here a new one from CMRS:

    Microsoft Corp. Corporate Vice President of MSN Yusuf Mehdi told attendees of Goldman Sachs’ fifth annual Internet Conference in Las Vegas, Nevada that the company will produce its own line of portable music players and pay users up to US$5,000 to own them. The devices will complement a Microsoft-made music download service expected to go online later this year.

    “It’s high time the computing public got rewarded for listening to digital music,” Mehdi said. “With our new ePro Music Service Player (TM), users will get a copy of every song ever recorded, in our special new Windows Internet Media Professional format, including two lost, never before heard Beatles albums, on the 80 TB drive built into the ePro Player. Plus, of course, there’s the check for $5,000. you just walk into Best Buy or CompUSA and they just hand it to you. Free.”

    Mehdi discounted suggstions that Microsoft was using this aggressive ePro pricing as a way to capture market share away from Apple Computer’s iPod and iTunes music service.

    “No, not at all, we feel that giving consumers a $5,000 check and every song ever recorded is a sustainable business model,” he said. “It will be up to Apple to see if they can adjust and compete.”

    Analysts immediately moved to praise the Microsoft move, and bash Apple for failing to have a credible business plan for music.

    “This really makes a lot of sense,” said industry analyst Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group. “Obviously, the upfront costs, the $5,000, plus the $46,000 cost for the miniature 80 TB drive, are pretty big. But within a year, they should have about 97 percent market share and be able to charge about $90 per song download, once everyone else is out of the business, so while they may lose a few billion upfront, it should put them in a good position to rule the music business. Once again, Apple really misread the market situation and I expect them to fold completely before the week is out.”

  32. link- says:

    link