Fred Anderson's Retirement Party Preparations.

In honor of CFO Fred Anderson’s upcoming retirement, Apple is throwing a “Beer Bash” tomorrow afternoon in Caffe Macs.

In addition to some rather unremarkable items such as, of course, “beer” and “strippers”, the list of items being requisitioned contains several items that raise questions about the nature of Anderson’s retirement party. Crazy Apple Rumors Site turns its years of Apple expertise to the list to provide some insight.

  • 1 large NFL-sized jug of Gatoraide – At first thought to be for dumping on the retiring Anderson as a sign of a job well done, it may in fact be to rehydrate him after performing the Trials of Kutharthnick, 27 feats of strength required per the terms of Apple’s standard employment package to receive retirement benefits. That would also explain the cyclops, hydra and three sightless hags. (Editor’s Note: this could go either way, as emails from Apple employees indicate the cyclops is always invited to these kinds of events, but not the hydra. Also, the hags are, apparently, just some ladies from accounting. Our apologies.)
  • 14 pot bellied pigs – The pigs are not on the list so much for the purposes of the party as they are just to get them out of Senior Vice President Tim Cook’s office where he’s been raising them as part of a 4H project.
  • The dismembered corpse of Jimmy Hoffa – This not-so-subtle message from the other Apple executives acknowledges that Anderson holds secrets they hope he keeps. By setting it in a prominent place, Apple executives hope to say to the retiring CFO “Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.” Or maybe “Dead men tell no tales.” Or possibly “Welcome to the Garden State!” or “Go, Giants!” Although, admittedly, those last two are rather unlikely.
  • 18 sprigs of fresh parsley – Most likely to simply be used as a garnish for the paella, but also possibly for the goats. (Editor’s Note: upon further investigation, the 17th Trial of Kutharthnick turns out to be eating 18 sprigs of parsley. Most people can’t make it past five.)
  • 30 virgins – This is deceptively exciting as this is just the OS X development team.
  • 1 Golden Chalice – It’s… just for Steve. He’s got this thing about drinking out of a golden chalice. Pff.

The event starts at 5 PM and concludes at 8, with the usual human sacrifice and offering to Supay, Incan god of death and lord of the underworld.