28 May 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: Hey! I recently followed some advice you gave me on how to fix a printer problem with my mirror-door G4 and have since found out that it voided my warranty! This is unacceptable!

A: Oh. Wow. Really? I’m terribly sorry about that. I don’t know how that could have happened. What did I suggest?

Q: You told me to open the mirrored door and pour pudding into the DVD drive.

A: Pudding? Pudding? No, no, no. I never said that. Never pudding.

Q: OK, OK… tapioca.

A: Tapioca. Yes. That’s what I said. Pudding! Pff! As if!

Q: OK, whatever. The point is, I talked to Apple and putting tapioca in your DVD drive voids the warranty! What are you going to do about this?!

A: Well… did it work? Did it fix your printer problem?

Q: Um… well… yes… actually. I can print again. I don’t know how… I mean, it’s scientifically impossible… but…

A: So why did you tell those beeotches at Apple about it? I mean… what they don’t know won’t hurt ’em, right? Their precious warranty. Ha!

Q: Hey, I might need that warranty!

A: OK. OK. OK. I’ve got a trick for restoring the warranty.

Q: This doesn’t involve pouring anything into my Mac does it?

A: No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. You don’t pour mayonnaise.


Q: I have a three-year old iMac that I have turned into a media center. I’ve attached a Firewire drive to hold all of my MP3s, some high-quality speakers and an EyeTV to record my favorite shows. Everything seems to be working perfectly, so why do I feel so itchy?

A: Is it a localized itch or a general all-over kind of itch?

Q: Oh, it’s an all-over kind of itch. Just a dull kind of itch that makes it uncomfortable for me to sit still, you know?

A: Oh, yeah. I got that. See, frequently on these machines that serve dedicated purposes, you forget to apply the most recent patches and updates. This can manifest itself in itchiness. I recommend running Software Update and giving yourself a good scratching.

Q: That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it? That and pudding.

A: It’s tapioca.


Q: I have a 14-inch iBook that I use both at work and at home. I have a docking station at work that connects to a 20-inch monitor. My question is, what the hell is tapioca, anyway? Isn’t it just a kind of pudding?

A: Technically, it is a pudding. But the tapioca beads are a root starch derived from the Yuca plant. So it’s, like, magical pudding.

Q: Magical pudding?

A: Yeah. Magical fricking pudding. That’s why it bugs me when people call it mere pudding.

Q: You don’t work for the tapioca industry by any chance, do you?

A: No. Just a believer. Just a believer.

Q: Yeah-huh. Um… I’m gonna… go… over here now.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. noone says:

    Last post!

  2. Fabrizio says:

    No, I’m last post…

  3. iAlien says:

    my lucky number is three

    tapoica?

    tapioca, is my favorite pudding, there I said it! but I did not know how to spell it. 🙁

  4. melvin says:

    Tapioca is the nectar of the gods!!!! YUM!

  5. Ambrose Chapel says:

    the tapioca advisory council does good work.

  6. Scott M. says:

    The thought of a “tapioca industry” makes me smile for some reason.

  7. Cyanide says:

    Tapioca… sounds like a rock band.

  8. david says:

    No, of course you don’t pour mayonnaise.

    But with those new fangled sqeeze bottles you can *squirt* it.

    Or maybe that should be *extrude* it.

  9. the unpostable says:

    Ah, the halcyon days of unextrudable mayonaise.

  10. NotDaveBarry says:

    “Extruded Mayonnaise”

    “Localized Itch”

    “Magical Fricking Pudding”

    All excellent band names.

  11. IkLustGeenPudding says:

    “We suggest you don’t try making your own tapioca at home. Cassava roots have traces of cyanide in them! The ever-resourceful Mayans figured out how to extract this poison for their blow darts, leaving the uncontaminated roots free for eating.”

    Hm, feed it to the dogs, I guess.

  12. Huck says:

    Last post!

  13. Anonymous says:

    *** wipes snarfed mayonaise from chin, desk, and keyboard ***

    Thank you John

  14. UhhhDude says:

    What about flan? Will that work like tapioca? Or is that for G3 models only?

  15. Aaron says:

    How about “Spinal Tapioca”?

  16. Bellidancer says:

    Are any Macs still made in Ireland?

    If so, would you use blood pudding?

    Be a bloody mess

  17. Patrick says:

    Was the DVD drive a DVD-ROM or DVD-R? Tapioca is compatible only with the “-R”. Don’t even ask me about “+R”.

  18. Adam Jackson says:

    “you don’t pour mayonnaise.”

    HAHA!

    i love tapioca b ut sadly rice pudding wins.

  19. Patrick says:

    OK, the “+R” is compatible format-wise with extruded tapioca. Don’t even ask me about “-RW”.

  20. Patrick says:

    To the person who wrote about wiping snarfed mayonnaise from their chin: Are you male or female?

    ‘Cuse if you’re male, it might not be mayonnaise. You might have a tapioca-lust problem.

  21. Patrick says:

    What is the matter with Mary Jane?

    She hasn’t an ache and she hasn’t a pain.

    But it’s lovely rice pudding for dinner again.

    What is the matter with Mary Jane?

  22. Anonymous says:

    Hey, it’s yucca, not yuca (though that is listed as an alternative spelling in some really lame dictionaries). If the guys at the International Starch Institute in Science Park Aarhus, Denmark, ever hear that you called it yuca, there’ll be hell to pay, believe you me.

  23. Bush says:

    I just tried following your tips for adding tapioca to the DVD drive, but it didn’t work. I have a Dell Dimension PC – are your tips only Mac only?