Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I have a G3 Firewire PowerBook that I use mostly for writing, email and surfing the internet. I only recently upgraded to Mac OS 9.2 as everything works very well for me, and I have no complaints. Well, that’s not exactly true. Scanners. Have you seen this movie?
A: Yes. David Cronenberg. It’s become quite the cult classic.
Q: It’s horrible!
A: Well, he is a little gory and…
Q: No, no, no, no! I mean it sucks! Nothing happens for the first twenty minutes and then this guy’s head explodes! And Michael Ironside?! What is the deal with that guy?!
A: Well, I…
Q: Now I hear they’re remaking it! Can you believe that?! The bottom of the barrel of the great Hollywood art of the remake has been reached! What’s next? The remake of Prince of Space?
Q: So, who’s the modern day Michael Ironside? I’d say Dennis Franz, but he’s too good!
A: Are… are you done?
Q: Um. Let’s see… Scanners… Ironside… Prince of Space… Franz… Yeah. I’m pretty much done.
Q: You’ll be glad to know I have an actual Mac question.
A: Oh, thank god. Because… I was getting a little…
Q: No worries. I’m here to save this feature.
A: OK! Lay it on me!
Q: OK! I have a rather unique problem. I have a… Mac… and it… um… it has this… thing… that I’m having trouble with.
A: Thing. What thing?
Q: Mmm. Yes! Thing. See… the… particular thing that I’m having trouble with is… the… um… part where the flexor… interoperates with the groove and… um… where tab A fits into slot B… just below where you put the flame decals and… er… uh… with the software formatting of the… monitor and…
A: You don’t… actually own a Mac… do you.
Q: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. No, I really don’t. But I hear they’re very nice.
A: Right. Well… thanks for trying.
Q: My pleasure.
Q: I have a question about Macs and porn.
A: Really!? Wow! Well, you’ve come to the right place.
Q: That’s what I heard. I have this friend who said… well… he said you’d be… discreet.
A: Oh, yeah! Discrete! That’s us! We’re the epitome of discrete!
Q: Good. Because I have this particular need for… a certain kind of porn… on my Mac.
A: You can tell me. Just between the two of us. This won’t go on the web site.
Q: Web site?! There’s a web site?!
A: Nothing to worry about! We’ll remove your name. No one will ever know about… your predilections. Well… except for me, of course.
Q: OK. Well… OK. See…
A: And Chet. Because… he’s here in the booth with me.
A: Yeah. And… well… Howard kind of has to know… he’s just naturally curious. But he’s a dog. He won’t tell anyone.
A: And the Entity. He’s practically all-seeing. There’s just nothing I could do about that.
Q: This isn’t sounding so good.
A: No, no! It’s fine! But… you know… I’ve got to tell Masako. She’d feel left out if I didn’t.
UGLUK: But that all.
Q: Who was that?!
A: Oh, that’s just Ugluk. Don’t worry about him. He’s cool. In fact, we’re all totally cool with whatever you’re into! Really! So… whenever you’re ready.
Q: Well… OK. See… I’m into women and [THE FOLLOWING CLAUSE HAS BEEN EXPUNGED TO BE IN ACCORDANCE WITH INTERNATIONAL STANDARDS SET FORTH BY INTERPOL AND THE GLOBAL CONSORTIUM FOR THE PROTECTION OF THE AFRICAN GRAY RHINO].
Q: So… you know… how can I go about photographing that and uploading it to my Mac and enhancing the [EXPUNGED] while cropping out the [EXPUNGED]?
A: Oooh, boy… I’m not… we’re not…
CHET: I think I just gagged.
A: I was wrong. We’re not cool with that.
Q: But you said…!
A: Well, I know what I said but I didn’t think you’d say that!
Q: Oh, that’s great. That’s just great. Now you’re making me feel bad!
A: You should feel bad! You’re bad! You’re a bad, bad man!
UGLUK: Ugluk suggest lunch before, but Ugluk no longer hungry.
Q: Oh, forget it! I’ll just take my question to some other site!
A: Hah! Yeah! Good luck, freak!
CHET: … Ug.
UGLUK: That not right.
A: I don’t even know how they’d do that! Whew. Let’s just… um… OK. Why don’t we just… let’s just call it a day.