Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a G4 iBook that I do some light video editing on. What I want to know is, why are the stories so late these days? What is going on? You’re shattering my whole world view! And all those times you took a week off? What the hell is the matter with you? Make with the Apple rumors already!

A: Look, it’s just been a really hectic time around the office. We’ve all got something going on. Howard’s getting into that thing where the dogs go through the obstacle course… not as a contestant… he’s just photographing it… (frankly, I think he’s a little too chunky to fit through some of those tubes). And Ugluk’s starting up his own cave bear worship center… you know… for the kids… Chet’s watching a lot of celebrity poker and Masako killed that deer with her bare hands the other day… and the Entity… he’s got something going on in the corner over there… I’m not sure what it is, but there’s a lot of static electricity… and sometimes we hear voices coming from over there… you know… telling us to kill and whatnot. We just ignore them. We’ve gotten surprisingly used to stuff like that. And me, I’m working on a new drink that I think will embody the spirit of Apple. This, of course, involves a lot of testing and… well… after a few dozen I’ve usually forgotten what it was I was trying to do and I’m on the phone to Apple Support talking about what a babe Nancy Heinen is or tearfully telling the tech support person what a great friend he is.

So, anyways, we’re just up to our eyeballs here. We’re even thinking of contracting some of the work out to India.

Q: My iMac is about to come off its one year warranty. I’m considering shelling out for Apple Care, but what I want to know is, why are you so sullen all the time? And why did I see you crying the other day? What was that about? How come you never come ’round no more? You think you’re better than me? Huh? Is that what you think?

A: No, no. It’s not that. It’s just, like I said, we’ve been busy and… you know how it is. I got Loretta screaming at me all day long… and then Carlo down at the factory, he ain’t makin’ it any easier on me with the hours he been puttin’ on me and… the Nova broke down four times this week. And my youngest, Rick Jr., he’s having trouble at school and then I got those loan people on my back…

Oh, and I wacked a guy. That’s really complicated things…

Q: I recently added a Firewire 800 PCI card to my graphite Power Mac. One question that’s come up since doing that is who was that I saw you with the other day? Are you dating her? Is it because she’s not as fat as I am? Is that why you broke up with me, because I’m fat? How come you never call me anymore?

A: Um… Tiffany, yes, yes, yes with an “and because you stole money from me”, I never call you anymore because you’re psycho and, finally, please see the terms of the restraining order that prohibits you from calling in to the Help Desk, of which you are currently in violation. Thank you.

40 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Punk? PUNK! Listen, “jgh,” if those really ARE your initials, I happen to be 41 years old — far too old to bear the label “punk.” Second, I happen to be a close personal friend of John Moltz. I’ve been to [the top-secret CARS headquarters] and seen WITH MY OWN EYES the [high-tech lair] where all this Crazy Apple Rumors magic happens. I’ve even suggested rumors he can use if he wants. He doesn’t use them, even though some are pretty good, in my opinion. I suggested (several times) that he spread the rumor Apple was developing a “Spell Checka” so that urban hipsters could spell-check their e-mail and make sure that “sucka” doesn’t come out “suckah” or “sukkuh,” or whatever it’s supposed to be. But John’s kinda proprietary about this site. He laughs, politely, and says he’ll think about it. Bottom line: I think we (meaning the entire CARS community) knows who the REAL “punk” is.

    [This post edited for correctness.]

  2. I guess if Tiffany followed her retraining order she wouldn’t be such a Psycho Beeyotch, now would she. Remember you never know your girlfriend is Psycho, until you try and break things off. Otherwise their just quirky.

  3. oops i forgot






  4. I still think the hectic time around the office is due to the CARS staff not properly patching their sexbots. The sexbots popped into their super secret ninja mode and they have been disrupting CARS production since.

    Oh and if you are thinking of outsourcing to India, let me offer my services. I believe can sample and review your Apple drink much cheaper than someone in India could.

  5. No, I think the late production times are because the sexbots are working just right.

  6. I don’t know any punk-ass individuals named “Skip Card.” I deny that categorically.

    And Albert and I did not try to unload a falling apart Firewire enclosure and old CD RW drive on him.

    These are lies spread by my many enemies.

  7. Skip, ha ha, see even Moltz denies your credibility. We all know you’re a M$ sleeper anyhow. and still a punk. punk.

  8. I can see how sexbots, and beverage perfection can lead to late postings, i think they got today’s in early just for the weekend since the sexbot firmware update was recently made available to us Apple Apostles. Looking forward to testing that one out myself…

  9. I’m a little disturbed by the fact John admits to wacking a guy not so long after posting the story, “Wide Aspect Screens Not Good for Certain Pictures”.

    I mean if that’s how he did his research for the story I can kind of understand… I guess. I mean he’s just helping to relieve the tension in someone with a severe medical condition right?

    I guess I’d be a little less weirded out if he’d done something simple like kill a guy.

  10. Look, we know that the sexbots can’t be functioning correctly — at least in the way one would expect an object with the moniker “sexbot” to function — because there HAVE been posts. I rest my case.

  11. huck, clearly you’re not one of us elite that recieved the firmware update….better luck next time.

  12. So – if I’m understanding right – you have to ‘whack’ a guy to get ‘made’.

    So is ‘cosa nostra’ Sicilian for ‘Gay Bar’ or something?

    And did they just miss the ‘h’ off the front of ‘omerta’?

    Man, I’m going to have to watch ‘Goodfellas’ again, because I *really* wasn’t getting all this last time…

  13. Nancy *is* a total babe. I’m going to be enjoying that picture for what in my mind is quite a long time.

  14. … peanut butter chocolate chip cookie NOTE Test, Test, and Then Test Some More peanut butter chocolate chip cookie college nanotechnology peanut butter chocolate …

  15. Go forth, my midget lesbian minions, and return with the babe known as Nancy Heinen so that we many introduce her to our nefarious cheeze whiz ways. Mwuhahahahaa… aaaa…

  16. Nancy Heinen?

    anyone got a pic?


    oops – sorry….

    eaten to much Cheez Whizz whilst in the


    (we’re still playing tag, although it’s getting a little cheez’d up at the moment, although my mad ninja skillz seem to be coming in handy….come on in and get tagged!)

    heh heh heh!

  17. He never picks up the phone. Never! Might as well tell you.

    I’ve got no iBook (14″/G4), on which i’m doing light video-editing (with iMovie). I mean *really* light… as in… imaginary. But so far it’s worked for me. Kinda. My problem is this: I’m not sure i’m really “getting it all” from iMovie and my imaginary iBook. Should I upgrade to an imaginary PowerBook and FCE? But what with those prohibitive imaginary costs? And is the 15″ actually “it”, or will my imaginary friends (17″ers, the lot) laugh about my inferior figment of imagination?

    Pick up that damn phone, will you?!

  18. wacked, whacked

    to wack or not to whack?

    I’m not sure if we want to know about the guy he wacked. If he only whacked him, then by all means spill the details…

    how wacky

    **tries to forget bad mental image**

  19. Anna, if we are speaking of Imaginary Macs go for the best. Get the Imaginary iMac or as it is known the IiMac. Not only does it have a 22 inch screen, It folds down to the size of a credit card, weighs .8 ounces, and you can run it in perpetual motion mode so no worries about your battery dying. I’ve been very happy with mine and since it is the only dual 4 ghz machine Apple is currently making (in my imaginary price range at least) I smoke the computers my friends use. The fact that it runs natively every Windows program ever made is just an extra advantage.

    You can also get it with the optional Cheese or Nut storage capacity.

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