06 Jul 04Jobs Hath Become Glaarku, Devourer of Souls.


Fulfilling a 5,000 year-old prophecy, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced today that he “Hath become Glaarku, Devourer of Souls.”

At a media event on the Apple campus, Jobs made the announcement wearing a raiment of finery the like of which has never been seen on this earth. After reading a brief statement on his transformation into an immortal demon-god, Jobs then devoured the souls of the gathered media.

A now soulless Dan Gillmor rushed back to the San Jose Mercury News where he wrote for the publication’s online edition “ALL HAIL LORD GLAARKU (formerly Apple CEO Steve Jobs). ALL TREMBLE IN FEAR AT HIS COMING! HIS THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS ARE THE SOUND OF DEATH, THE HEAT OF HIS GAZE THE FIRES OF VERY PERDITION, AND HIS ABILITY TO SELL YOU CRAP YOU DON’T NEED SHALL BE YOUR FINAL UNDOING!

“GLAARKU ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT SEPTEMBER’S IMACS WILL FEATURE A NEW ENCLOSURE THAT WILL ‘WOW’ USERS.

“SUCH IS THE WILL OF GLAARKU! HAIL!”

Not much is known of Jobs’ new persona, other than its undying hunger for human souls, its intention to build a giant ziggurat at One Infinite Loop in its own honor, and its rather flamboyant style of dress.

“Jobs should return to the blue jeans and black turtlenecks,” opined eWeek’s Matthew Rothenberg. “Today’s technology CEO looks out of place in furs, silk, diamonds and the soft feathers of 100 extinct birds. And the gold plate shoved into his lip was over the top. With eccentricities like this, it’s no wonder so many are saying…

“ALL HAIL LORD GLAARKU!” a glassy-eyed Rothenberg suddenly blurted as his soul drained from his body. “HE IS OUR ONE, TRUE GOD! HIS FEARFUL COUNTENANCE ALONE SHALL REND HIS ENEMIES AS IF THEY WERE NAUGHT BUT SOFT BREAD! FEAR HIM!”

Souled analysts were uncertain how Jobs’ transformation would affect the company, but did express reluctance to visit Cupertino any time soon.

Jobs/Glaarku did not elaborate on the style of the upcoming iMac enclosure, but did pause to devour a well-wisher as he left the room.

No Responses to “Jobs Hath Become Glaarku, Devourer of Souls.”

  1. Coombs says:

    First post at last!

  2. b-man says:

    Shoot! This close…

  3. roswelljw says:

    haha funny

  4. avi says:

    Great, just what we need; another soul-devouring CEO. I’m so glad I sold my iBook.

  5. Peter says:

    Now I know he’s making this up. This is too far fetch to be true. The fact….um, what the?! Oh my gawd, get away from me! NO! Help! It’s Glaarku! Ahhhhhh!

  6. avi says:

    He can’t get away with this…there must be some way to stop him…er, would someone hand me the Cheetos?

  7. Anonymous says:

    Are you suggesting that Glaarku’s powers are rendered useless by mere Cheetos?

  8. Maybe Glaarku knows Cthulhu? That would be sweet.

  9. Jawyn says:

    pff… that could never happen, I mean Jobs knows that ALL HAIL GLAARKU, RULER OF OUR REALM AND DEVOURER OF SOULS… I MEAN LOOK AT ME… I’M SOULESS NOW…. SINCE…. HE ATE MY SOUL… BUT I HAD ENOUGH OF HIS BLESSED ENERGY LEFT TO HIT THE CAPS-LOCK KEY OF CERTAIN DOOM. ALL FEAR GLAARKU!

  10. Don King says:

    You heard it here first, folks: Glaarku versus The Entity! July 23rd, LIVE from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas! $49.95 on Pay-per-view! Be there, or be the slave of a soul-devouring demon god or his trans-dimensional energy force opponent! God bless America!

  11. cat person says:

    Where the hell did they find an analyst with a soul?

  12. avi says:

    Don King has a soul?

  13. Apple Insider says:

    Jobs was misquoted as saying he devours souls. What he really said was that he has started eating SOLE… for dinner. With… fava beans… and… a nice chianti. His voodoo doctor advised him that he needed more iron in his pegan… err… vegan diet.

    The part about his getup is factual though. He assembled it from junk auctions on eBay and some arts and crafts supplies stolen from Schiller’s desk drawer.

  14. maku blide says:

    <3 stiv jobsu

  15. Garnack says:

    Well it’s about time!!

    ALL HAIL GLAARKU!!

    I wondered what that line in the last iTunes license was about.

    “At any time Glaarku deems appropriate, he may require you to surrender your soul.” I figured I was safe seeing as Gaarku didn’t actually exsist at the time I agreed to the license, but now I think I’m screwed.

    Oh well, souls, easy come easy go.

  16. Voice of Reality says:

    Members of the media have no souls so this can’t be true!

  17. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Glaarku ate my pants.

  18. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Isn’t it funny hyow these things come in threes? Michael Dell became Devourer of Prairie Dogs, and before that Bill Gates became Devourer of Souls…wait.

  19. Del says:

    Geez Do I piss off Cthulu or Glaarku.

    Demon gods HATE it when you worship their enemy.

    “ALL HAIL LORD GLAARKU! ALL HAIL LORD CTHULU!”

    Hmm… great Cthulu is probably going to be pissed off his name came second.

    I’m screwed.

    The hardest part of living without a soul is getting into the grocery stores. Those electronic doors won’t open for you. That means you really can only shop at dive liquor stores… Wait that doesn’t sound so bad.

    Glaarku over here!!! I have a nice juicy soul… Don’t ask about the liver.

  20. Zuzz says:

    Where can I get one of the so-called ….. ‘souls?”

  21. SB1 says:

    I knew GLAARKU had soul. Now he has many. And that outfit that the eWeek guy described…STRAIGHT UP PIMPIN’. GLAARKU the PIMP GOD.

    BEEOTCHES BEWARE! RENDER UNTO GLAARKU THAT WHICH IS GLAARKU’S.

    AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH.

  22. Brother Mugga says:

    Surely the correct address is, in fact…

    “ALL HAIL LORD GLAARKU . . . OF DOOM!”

    Ahhhh, *now* it’s all starting to make sense.

  23. LORD GLAARKU says:

    GLAARKUITES UNITE! YOUR DREADLORD DEMANDS THAT THOU DOES SMOTE THE LATEST ADDITION TO THE MEGAPOST FAMILY BY POSTING TO THIS THREAD. YOUR DREADLORD HAS SPOKEN!

  24. the severed head of glaarku's minion says:

    as if we didn’t all see this coming twenty years ago…

  25. vafarmboy says:

    are souls vegan?

  26. greenacres says:

    Does this mean Apple is now a not-for-profit charity once he converts the employees to soulless minions? Certainly, admitting they goofed on the Imacs is a step in the right direction…Hopefully, they didn’t molest any customers years ago…

  27. Soulless Analyist says:

    Sigh. Glaarku again? Every time that damned cat leaves the goddamned pet-door open on the frigging hellmouth, frigging GLAARKU gets frigging loose. And of course, the problem isn’t self-correcting because for some unfathomable reason, Glaarku never infests the frigging cat. It’s such an unutterable pain in the @SS. I mean, how many frigging armies of the righteous can you amass in one generation of men? Hell, I’m surprised we were able to find a single virgin as far back as nineteen-forty-frigging-five when Glarrku got ahold of a frigging German! And I doubt we’ll be as lucky as we were when Glaarku just up and decided that George W. Bush was an “unsuitable host.” Time to get rid of the frigging cat.

  28. Steve jobs says:

    I find this article very offensive to my self. I have never eaten a soul (not even sole) they are to meaty for my vegan tastes. You will be hearing from my lawyers. TREMBLE IN THE SHADOW OF MY LAWYERS!!!!

  29. omegamonkey says:

    They’re mock turtlenecks…. Not as long as normal turtlenecks…. Don’t fold over like normal turtlenecks… just kind-of ride up high on the neck…. like an extra-long crew neck…. Mock turtlenecks.

  30. John Moltz says:

    I’ve actually heard from your lawyers before. They were very nice.

  31. Bellidancer says:

    John, I admirre your bravo, but previously didn’t you heard from Apple Legal? and wasn’t it about disclosure of top secret Apple plans?

    Now you’ve been threated with SJ’s personal lawyers … and it is about a story that directly questions SJ’s beliefs. That’s a whole different kettle of fish.. ahh..kettle of stewed carrots (sorry sj).

    But the biggest question is..

    WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING AND POSTING IN YESTERDAY’S STORY WHEN IT IS ALREADY 1:38 PM PST AND TODAY’S STORY HASN’T BEEN POSTED???!!!!!

    Sorry for the yelling but its been a slow day and I need my CARS fix for today.

  32. pedro says:

    i am with you bellidancer. Moltz and the gang shouldn’t be doing anything until the daily CARS post has been posted. no cheese, no sexbots, no nothing until we have our post.

    just wait until your next quarterly performance review Moltz!

  33. PotUStates says:

    Read my lips, Glaarku!