Fulfilling a 5,000 year-old prophecy, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced today that he “Hath become Glaarku, Devourer of Souls.”
At a media event on the Apple campus, Jobs made the announcement wearing a raiment of finery the like of which has never been seen on this earth. After reading a brief statement on his transformation into an immortal demon-god, Jobs then devoured the souls of the gathered media.
A now soulless Dan Gillmor rushed back to the San Jose Mercury News where he wrote for the publication’s online edition “ALL HAIL LORD GLAARKU (formerly Apple CEO Steve Jobs). ALL TREMBLE IN FEAR AT HIS COMING! HIS THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS ARE THE SOUND OF DEATH, THE HEAT OF HIS GAZE THE FIRES OF VERY PERDITION, AND HIS ABILITY TO SELL YOU CRAP YOU DON’T NEED SHALL BE YOUR FINAL UNDOING!
“GLAARKU ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT SEPTEMBER’S IMACS WILL FEATURE A NEW ENCLOSURE THAT WILL ‘WOW’ USERS.
“SUCH IS THE WILL OF GLAARKU! HAIL!”
Not much is known of Jobs’ new persona, other than its undying hunger for human souls, its intention to build a giant ziggurat at One Infinite Loop in its own honor, and its rather flamboyant style of dress.
“Jobs should return to the blue jeans and black turtlenecks,” opined eWeek’s Matthew Rothenberg. “Today’s technology CEO looks out of place in furs, silk, diamonds and the soft feathers of 100 extinct birds. And the gold plate shoved into his lip was over the top. With eccentricities like this, it’s no wonder so many are saying…
“ALL HAIL LORD GLAARKU!” a glassy-eyed Rothenberg suddenly blurted as his soul drained from his body. “HE IS OUR ONE, TRUE GOD! HIS FEARFUL COUNTENANCE ALONE SHALL REND HIS ENEMIES AS IF THEY WERE NAUGHT BUT SOFT BREAD! FEAR HIM!”
Souled analysts were uncertain how Jobs’ transformation would affect the company, but did express reluctance to visit Cupertino any time soon.
Jobs/Glaarku did not elaborate on the style of the upcoming iMac enclosure, but did pause to devour a well-wisher as he left the room.