07 Jul 04Inside Apple – Now With 100% More Glaarku!


This edition of Inside Apple has been passed to us from highly placed sources in Apple’s software engineering. This meeting took place only today (which is why this edition is being posted so late) and has passed through many hands to reach us.

Early this afternoon, Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian and a group of software engineers sat down to discuss certain Tiger features with CEO Steve Jobs who, as you know, hath become Glaarku, Devourer of Souls.

Let’s tune in to this very special… Inside Apple.


TEVANIAN: OK, let’s get started. Uh, I think we’re here to discuss some of the features of Tiger, sort of hash out what we want to shoot for in next year’s relase of the OS. Now, Steve…

GLAARKU: I AM GLAARKU! FEAR ME!

SCHILLER: Uh. Yeah. Glaarku. Let’s just… all call Steve… Glaarku… from now on.

TEVANIAN: Right. Sorry. I… did get the memo on that.

GLAARKU: GLAARKU!

SCHILLER: Yes. Glaarku. We heard you the first 10,000 times. Go ahead, Avie.

TEVANIAN: Uh… OK. Spotlight. So far our major demo of Spotlight has been in the System Preferences and that’s… uh… because… it’s an already indexed… um… set of… Oh, hell, look, I’ve gotta ask. What is that in his teeth?

SCHILLER: I think it’s… a… well… see… There was this guy who came to interview earlier and, uh…

GLAARKU: I FEED ON LESSER BEINGS! THEIR SOULS NOURISH ME!

SCHILLER: And, sometimes, their actual bodies. We’re… not really sure where he draws the line. He’s got quite the appetite, this one! Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhhh… Um. But… uh… let’s just keep that between us. In case anyone starts asking where those job candidates went.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER 1: Uh… um… Phil? I hate to interrupt but… he’s gnawing on my leg.

SCHILLER: Alright, that’s it! See, we need this guy! He does the Core engine! Glaarku? Glaarku?! Let me talk to Steve.

TEVANIAN: Wait… what? Steve’s still in there?

SCHILLER: Yeah. Sometimes it takes a little doing to get Glaarku to subside and Steve to surface, though.

GLAARKU: ALL HAIL GLAARKU! TREMBLE AT MY GREATNESS! FEAR MY VERY NAME!

SCHILLER: No! No! Bad Glaarku! I want to talk to Steve! Steve!

GLAARKU: I AM GLAARKU! MY COUNTENANCE IS AS YOUR VERY DOOM! MY GAZE STRIKES…

SCHILLER: M’baki metarka meloonga! Si sekka teenda! Makaawazi n’falongo! Steve nawakki wakki allawan!

JOBS: Nnnnnyah! Gah! I thought I told you never to call me while I’m… Glaarku! What’s the problem?!

SCHILLER: OK. Look. Steve, this Glaarku thing isn’t working out.

JOBS: Oh? What’s the trouble?

SCHILLER: Well, he ate five interns today and all he can talk about is his undying thirst that is slaked only by the souls of… Well, he just isn’t very much help making decisions.

JOBS: Well, sheesh, he is a demon god. I don’t know what you expect him to do.

TEVANIAN: This is just no good. We can’t even get through a meeting here.

JOBS: Oh, c’mon! Just give this a try. Through the end of the week! If it’s not better by Friday, I’ll… uh… well, I’ll talk to that high priest guy about undoing it.

SCHILLER: Mmm.

JOBS: I swear. Friday. Then we’ll see.

TEVANIAN: I don’t know.

JOBS: Gotta run! Glaarku coming back!

GLAARKU: … TERROR INTO THOSE WHO DO NOT SUBMIT TO MY INDOMINABLE WILL! BRING FORTH SOULS FOR MY FEASTING! THERE SHALL BE A GREAT DEVOURING WITH THE SCREAMING AND YELLING AND THE RUNNING AND THE AAAAGH! GLAARKU’S GOT ME!

SCHILLER: [sigh]

TEVANIAN: Uh… OK. Spotlight.

No Responses to “Inside Apple – Now With 100% More Glaarku!”

  1. WhoDat says:

    First! HAHAHAHAHAHA

  2. lkjh says:

    First the worst, second the best!

  3. Sembazuru says:

    Second

  4. Sembazuru says:

    whoops… third.

    Well, fourth now.

  5. Huck says:

    Crap! Not first.

  6. 2000guitars says:

    story must be a bomb when none of the posts refer to it…

    uh, guess this one just did…

  7. Matt says:

    Wouldn’t 100% more Glaarku still be none at all?

  8. Dave says:

    Matt, you got beat up a lot in school, didn’t you?

  9. Gag Halfrunt says:

    I have new pants

  10. Assurbanipal says:

    Mmm… shortest-lived plot device ever.

    First relevant post!

  11. Fringe says:

    Awesome! Awesome awesome! Hehehe.

  12. Huh? says:

    I want my pants back.

  13. Adam Jackson says:

    i dont know how you guys top yourselves every week.

  14. Garnack says:

    I think they tend to rotate through the standard toppings. Mayo, mustard, pb&j, choco sprinkles, whipped cream (real, not that non-dairy cr*p), ketchup, pickle relish, herrings, etc. I hear Howard is partial to that gravy your get when add water to Gravy Train, but the rest of CARS doesn’t care for the smell.

    Once they runn through the list, and try some non-standard variations, thy start back at the top of the list. when you follow a plan it’s not very hard to top yourself each week.

    ALL HAIL GLAARKU!!!!!

  15. Huck says:

    Ooh, it must be hard to top the topping they topped themselves with the day before then.

  16. bear says:

    I like Clausen’s Pickle Relish the most…..

  17. GLAARKU says:

    GLAARKU LOVES MAYO AND JALAPENOS ON HIS SACRIFICES! FEAR ME AND…HEY, DON’T WET YOURSELVES…YUCK…I AM SO NOT EATING THAT! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR BODY BACK JOBS! I’M OUTTA HERE! (STOMP, STOMP, stomp, stomp…)

  18. petres says:

    Why does Glaarku say, “GLAARKU’S GOT ME!” in his last line? I mean of course Glaarku has Glaarku. Yes, I realize that it could be Steve coming through, but then it would have read, “Glaarku’s got me,” in the Steve voice, or, “GLAarkU’s gOt Me,” in a mix of the Glaarku voice and the Steve voice.

    All hypotheses and suppositions welcome.

  19. Shareholder says:

    petres, Glaarku is quoting all the folks that are getting devoured. Try reading it this way:

    …WITH THE SCREAMING AND YELLING AND THE RUNNING AND THE “AAAAGH! GLAARKU’S GO ME!”

    See?

  20. avi says:

    This is all getting way to metaphysical for me.

  21. CTHULHU says:

    FIRST POST BY A SOUL-CONSUMING DEMON-GOD OF WAY HIGHER RANK THAN THAT PUNY GLAARKU!!!

    THAT LITTLE WEASEL SKULKS OUT OF THE ROOM EVERY TIME I ENTER. WHAT A WANKER!

    OH YEAH…ALMOST FORGOT, FEAR ME!!!

  22. petres says:

    shareholder,

    thank you. yes, I put some sumliminal punctuation in myself after the “THE” (an ellipsis). I was worried that the Glaark was going to implode or something. My fears had somewaht abated until I read about this CTHULHU character. This cannot be a good development.

    p

  23. I wouldn’t worry about Cthulhu. He may be evil incarnate, but at least he isn’t a vegan. Have you ever tried taking Steve out to lunch? You can find a soul anywhere, but organic lettuce? Good luck.

  24. CTHULHU says:

    ORGANIC, INORGANIC…IT MATTERS NOT! DEMON-GODS ARE NOT PICKY REGARDING DIET!

    EXCEPT FOR THAT WANKER GLAARKU! VEGAN, FEH! HOW DOES HE STAND LIVING WITH HIMSELF??!

    OH YEAH, DON’T FORGET…FEAR ME!

  25. I having ground beef for dinner. YUM! says:

    GLAARKU can not be a true vegan ’cause, first, he eats souls. Souls are not vegetables, or fruits. Heck I don’t know what they are, but they are not vegetables or fruits. I know there are, like, sudo-vegans that eat eggs or fish, and stuff so maybe, just maybe he could have been a sudo-soul-eatin’-vegan, but that whole theory was squashed, ha, when Schiller says, and I quote “Well, he ate five interns today”. Interns are meat. NOT A VEGAN!

  26. Steve jobs says:

    STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no GLAARKU. I demand you stop this. You are making me look silly in front of Al (Gore), I cant bear that wet rag laughing at me. If there is one more word about GLAARKU I will cancel the whole Sexbot project, they will never be released – do you hear me? NEVER.

  27. Ah ha! No wonder Steve transforms into Glaarku. If you couldn’t eat meat you’d want to devour an intern every now and then too.

  28. GLAARKU says:

    **UURP**

  29. Anonymous says:

    Would “sudo-vegans” be vegans who can run programs as root?

  30. UhhhDude says:

    I believe the term would be “pseudo-vegan.” If not, then “sumo-vegan,” which would involve the consumption of one hella lot of plants to get that big.

  31. Zach Conlyn says:

    Uh, 100% more Glaarku? Try infinite percent. You had ZERO Glaarku in all the previous Inside Apples combined. Now you have more than zero. Obviously that means you have infinity percent more Glaarku. Duh.

  32. bear says:

    i like my interns with Clausen’s Pickle Relish…..

  33. I had ground beef for dinner says:

    So I didn’t win the spelling bee as a kid.

  34. GLAARKU says:

    I DID! I ATE IT, TOO! FEAR MY SPELLING! COWER AT MY GRAMMAR!

  35. MacStansbury says:

    man, I doubt GLAARKU has a Comcast email address.

    hey, wait, I forgot about TechTV, so, yeah, I guess a Soul-Stealer could come from Comcast.

  36. 696 so theres Krankenversicherung and then there is

    Krankenversicherung private and dont forget

    Krankenversicherung gesetzlich and then again there is always beer