This edition of Inside Apple has been passed to us from highly placed sources in Apple’s software engineering. This meeting took place only today (which is why this edition is being posted so late) and has passed through many hands to reach us.
Early this afternoon, Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian and a group of software engineers sat down to discuss certain Tiger features with CEO Steve Jobs who, as you know, hath become Glaarku, Devourer of Souls.
Let’s tune in to this very special… Inside Apple.
TEVANIAN: OK, let’s get started. Uh, I think we’re here to discuss some of the features of Tiger, sort of hash out what we want to shoot for in next year’s relase of the OS. Now, Steve…
GLAARKU: I AM GLAARKU! FEAR ME!
SCHILLER: Uh. Yeah. Glaarku. Let’s just… all call Steve… Glaarku… from now on.
TEVANIAN: Right. Sorry. I… did get the memo on that.
SCHILLER: Yes. Glaarku. We heard you the first 10,000 times. Go ahead, Avie.
TEVANIAN: Uh… OK. Spotlight. So far our major demo of Spotlight has been in the System Preferences and that’s… uh… because… it’s an already indexed… um… set of… Oh, hell, look, I’ve gotta ask. What is that in his teeth?
SCHILLER: I think it’s… a… well… see… There was this guy who came to interview earlier and, uh…
GLAARKU: I FEED ON LESSER BEINGS! THEIR SOULS NOURISH ME!
SCHILLER: And, sometimes, their actual bodies. We’re… not really sure where he draws the line. He’s got quite the appetite, this one! Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhhh… Um. But… uh… let’s just keep that between us. In case anyone starts asking where those job candidates went.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER 1: Uh… um… Phil? I hate to interrupt but… he’s gnawing on my leg.
SCHILLER: Alright, that’s it! See, we need this guy! He does the Core engine! Glaarku? Glaarku?! Let me talk to Steve.
TEVANIAN: Wait… what? Steve’s still in there?
SCHILLER: Yeah. Sometimes it takes a little doing to get Glaarku to subside and Steve to surface, though.
GLAARKU: ALL HAIL GLAARKU! TREMBLE AT MY GREATNESS! FEAR MY VERY NAME!
SCHILLER: No! No! Bad Glaarku! I want to talk to Steve! Steve!
GLAARKU: I AM GLAARKU! MY COUNTENANCE IS AS YOUR VERY DOOM! MY GAZE STRIKES…
SCHILLER: M’baki metarka meloonga! Si sekka teenda! Makaawazi n’falongo! Steve nawakki wakki allawan!
JOBS: Nnnnnyah! Gah! I thought I told you never to call me while I’m… Glaarku! What’s the problem?!
SCHILLER: OK. Look. Steve, this Glaarku thing isn’t working out.
JOBS: Oh? What’s the trouble?
SCHILLER: Well, he ate five interns today and all he can talk about is his undying thirst that is slaked only by the souls of… Well, he just isn’t very much help making decisions.
JOBS: Well, sheesh, he is a demon god. I don’t know what you expect him to do.
TEVANIAN: This is just no good. We can’t even get through a meeting here.
JOBS: Oh, c’mon! Just give this a try. Through the end of the week! If it’s not better by Friday, I’ll… uh… well, I’ll talk to that high priest guy about undoing it.
JOBS: I swear. Friday. Then we’ll see.
TEVANIAN: I don’t know.
JOBS: Gotta run! Glaarku coming back!
GLAARKU: … TERROR INTO THOSE WHO DO NOT SUBMIT TO MY INDOMINABLE WILL! BRING FORTH SOULS FOR MY FEASTING! THERE SHALL BE A GREAT DEVOURING WITH THE SCREAMING AND YELLING AND THE RUNNING AND THE AAAAGH! GLAARKU’S GOT ME!
TEVANIAN: Uh… OK. Spotlight.