Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Hey, beeotches!
A: …
Q: I got a Mac question for you beeotches!
A: …
Q: OK, here we go with my wacky Macky question, beeotches! When you beeotches are using your Macs, are you all like, ooh, look at me, I’m using my Mac!? I’m a Mac-using beeotch!? Is that what you beeotches are like? Huh?! Beeotches?
A: …
Q: Ha-ha! You Mac beeotches! You’re so lame! With your one-button mice and crap! Ha-ha! Macs don’t even multitask! And they’re so slow! Like, my friend has this Mac IIfx… it’s so slow! Oh, man, you are such beeotches! You know, I’m amazed you beeotches even hold down jobs! I’ve got half a mind to come over there and show you beeotches how real computer users… AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAGH! MY HAIR! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! AAAAGH! OH MY GOD! SOMEONE HELP ME! WAAAAAAAHAHAHA! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE HELP ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
A: … That was totally cool.
THE ENTITY: Thank you. It’s actually fairly simple. Just have to excite some ions around his head. It’s not like he didn’t deserve it.
A: Oh, totally.
Q: So… uh… whatever happened to this Glaarku thing?
A: Glaarku?
Q: Um… yes. You know. Glaarku. Devourer of Souls.
A: Ooooh… Glaarku…. right. Well, Steve finally had to… let him go. It just wasn’t working out. I think they had grown apart. It’s not Glaarku’s fault, it’s just that Steve wasn’t ready for that level of commitment yet. Full possession by a demon god is a big step.
Q: Uh-huh.
A: Steve felt he just wasn’t ready for it. He had… just come out of a possession where he had been… well… hurt. You know? And it takes some time to be able to trust again.
Q: Trust a demon god.
A: Right. Trust… um…
Q: Ahem.
A: OK. Uh… the truth of the matter is… and this is just between you and me… Glaarku stole some shit and got fired. A couple of iPod minis… an iSight… just shit he could stuff into his pockets.
Q: I see.
A: Sad, really. You hate to see someone of his stature reduced to that.
Q: Well, I’m sure he got a nice severance package.
A: Oh, totally. Six months. They have great benefits there. They really take care of their employees. As a matter of fact, it’s got me thinking of getting hired by Apple. And then stealing some shit.
Q: Mmm. That’s a good two-year plan. It’s important to set personal goals like that.
A: Indeed.
Q: I say go for it.
A: Thank you for being supportive.
Q: Don’t mention it.
Q: OK, I’m here to bring a traditional Crazy Apple Help Desk feel to this edition! A lot of CARS fans have been itching to get down and get funky with CAHD like it’s January, 2002! I’m talkin’ ’bout takin’ CAHD old-school! Givin’ the people what they want! Rockin’ it homestyle, y’all!
A: Wow! OK! Bring it on!
Q: Uhhhhh… well… OK… uh… OK! Here we go! Uh… booger!
A: Um… that… Is that it? I don’t think that’s right.
Q: Oh. Really? Didn’t you use a lot of booger jokes?
A: No.
Q: Mmm, I’m fairly certain there were a lot of booger jokes.
A: There were no booger jokes. Besides, that’s not even a joke. That’s just you saying “booger.”
Q: Well, I think it’d be funny if there were a lot of booger jokes.
A: No booger jokes!
Q: OK. Fine. Have it your way. So… was it fart jokes?
A: No! What the… You don’t even know what old-school CAHD was like!
Q: Yes I do! Sort of. But that doesn’t mean…
A: It was people sticking food in Macs! It’s how we met Ugluk! It was sexual innuendo out the yin-yang! It was a magical place where members of the Mac community could express their love for the platform while smearing themselves in Crisco without fear of being judged!
Q: Oh. But didn’t it have fart…
A: NO FART JOKES!
Q: OK. OK. You know your business but… I’m just sayin’… people like-a the fart jokes.
A: GAH!
Q: OK, now that’s old school! I can’t describe it, but I know what I likes!
A: OK, fine. Now… ask me a question about your shaved meat peripherals!
Q: Hey, I’ve got these shaved meat peripherals and they seem to be incompatible with my iBook!
A: Are they bus-basted?!
Q: Ha-ha! I don’t know, but this incompatibility is preventing me from looking at porn!
A: Mmm.
Q: Ha-ha! Porn!
A: Yeah, you know, I think I’ve realized something. It’s not me. It’s you.
Q: Ha-ha! Huh? No way! I got mad CAHD old school skillz!
A: Well, then, here’s an CAHD old-school bit you’ll appreciate: the sudden ending.
Q: The sudden…? Oh, f-