09 Jul 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: Hey, beeotches!

A: …

Q: I got a Mac question for you beeotches!

A: …

Q: OK, here we go with my wacky Macky question, beeotches! When you beeotches are using your Macs, are you all like, ooh, look at me, I’m using my Mac!? I’m a Mac-using beeotch!? Is that what you beeotches are like? Huh?! Beeotches?

A: …

Q: Ha-ha! You Mac beeotches! You’re so lame! With your one-button mice and crap! Ha-ha! Macs don’t even multitask! And they’re so slow! Like, my friend has this Mac IIfx… it’s so slow! Oh, man, you are such beeotches! You know, I’m amazed you beeotches even hold down jobs! I’ve got half a mind to come over there and show you beeotches how real computer users… AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAGH! MY HAIR! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! AAAAGH! OH MY GOD! SOMEONE HELP ME! WAAAAAAAHAHAHA! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE HELP ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

A: … That was totally cool.

THE ENTITY: Thank you. It’s actually fairly simple. Just have to excite some ions around his head. It’s not like he didn’t deserve it.

A: Oh, totally.


Q: So… uh… whatever happened to this Glaarku thing?

A: Glaarku?

Q: Um… yes. You know. Glaarku. Devourer of Souls.

A: Ooooh… Glaarku…. right. Well, Steve finally had to… let him go. It just wasn’t working out. I think they had grown apart. It’s not Glaarku’s fault, it’s just that Steve wasn’t ready for that level of commitment yet. Full possession by a demon god is a big step.

Q: Uh-huh.

A: Steve felt he just wasn’t ready for it. He had… just come out of a possession where he had been… well… hurt. You know? And it takes some time to be able to trust again.

Q: Trust a demon god.

A: Right. Trust… um…

Q: Ahem.

A: OK. Uh… the truth of the matter is… and this is just between you and me… Glaarku stole some shit and got fired. A couple of iPod minis… an iSight… just shit he could stuff into his pockets.

Q: I see.

A: Sad, really. You hate to see someone of his stature reduced to that.

Q: Well, I’m sure he got a nice severance package.

A: Oh, totally. Six months. They have great benefits there. They really take care of their employees. As a matter of fact, it’s got me thinking of getting hired by Apple. And then stealing some shit.

Q: Mmm. That’s a good two-year plan. It’s important to set personal goals like that.

A: Indeed.

Q: I say go for it.

A: Thank you for being supportive.

Q: Don’t mention it.


Q: OK, I’m here to bring a traditional Crazy Apple Help Desk feel to this edition! A lot of CARS fans have been itching to get down and get funky with CAHD like it’s January, 2002! I’m talkin’ ’bout takin’ CAHD old-school! Givin’ the people what they want! Rockin’ it homestyle, y’all!

A: Wow! OK! Bring it on!

Q: Uhhhhh… well… OK… uh… OK! Here we go! Uh… booger!

A: Um… that… Is that it? I don’t think that’s right.

Q: Oh. Really? Didn’t you use a lot of booger jokes?

A: No.

Q: Mmm, I’m fairly certain there were a lot of booger jokes.

A: There were no booger jokes. Besides, that’s not even a joke. That’s just you saying “booger.”

Q: Well, I think it’d be funny if there were a lot of booger jokes.

A: No booger jokes!

Q: OK. Fine. Have it your way. So… was it fart jokes?

A: No! What the… You don’t even know what old-school CAHD was like!

Q: Yes I do! Sort of. But that doesn’t mean…

A: It was people sticking food in Macs! It’s how we met Ugluk! It was sexual innuendo out the yin-yang! It was a magical place where members of the Mac community could express their love for the platform while smearing themselves in Crisco without fear of being judged!

Q: Oh. But didn’t it have fart…

A: NO FART JOKES!

Q: OK. OK. You know your business but… I’m just sayin’… people like-a the fart jokes.

A: GAH!

Q: OK, now that’s old school! I can’t describe it, but I know what I likes!

A: OK, fine. Now… ask me a question about your shaved meat peripherals!

Q: Hey, I’ve got these shaved meat peripherals and they seem to be incompatible with my iBook!

A: Are they bus-basted?!

Q: Ha-ha! I don’t know, but this incompatibility is preventing me from looking at porn!

A: Mmm.

Q: Ha-ha! Porn!

A: Yeah, you know, I think I’ve realized something. It’s not me. It’s you.

Q: Ha-ha! Huh? No way! I got mad CAHD old school skillz!

A: Well, then, here’s an CAHD old-school bit you’ll appreciate: the sudden ending.

Q: The sudden…? Oh, f-

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Spidey says:

    First Post!

  2. larry the hobo says:

    Boogers taste good.

    Fart’s don’t.

    second?

  3. peter says:

    What is “CAHD”?

  4. CTHULHU says:

    I TOLD YOU GLAARKU WAS A WANKER!

    FEAR ME!

  5. Brother Mugga says:

    Crazy Apple Help Desk?

    Hey, I think this is the highest I’ve ever posted.

    Staying up late in Blighty marking a load of s.h.m. papers finally paid off.

    Go me!

    . . . .

    No really, just join in with the Mexican wave *any time you want*…

  6. Brother Mugga says:

    PS: “MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!”

    Splendid.

  7. Aaron says:

    Show it, flow it, long as I can grow it.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Waddooya mean “What`s CAHD?”

    THATS what it is:

    http://cahd.fire.cz/view.php?cisloclanku=2004031601

    Geeez…

  9. Brother Mugga says:

    Sorry; my mistake.

    I don’t know what I was thinking…

    PS: Is it wrong that I’m aroused by Cyrillic script?

    Oh . . . right. Just checking.

    PPS: Have fun, oh Yankee chums. Time for beddy-byes over here…

  10. MacStansbury says:

    First…aw crap.

    When am I ever gonna get in the top 10 again? Huh? When?

    CAHD! 4evah!

  11. Slash says:

    Buy my new Velvet Revlolver album! IT WILL RAWK YOUR SAWKS!

  12. Slash says:

    Buy my new Velvet Revolver album! IT WILL RAWK YOUR SAWKS!

  13. Huck says:

    That lame ass got what he deserved. My Mac usingness all started with a IIfx, it was bitchin’… er, beeotchin’.

  14. Listen to Cthulhu. He knows where it’s at.

  15. 15th Post!!! bitches.

  16. Huck Aloogie says:

    last p-

  17. Cyanide says:

    Beeotches! I LOVE THE ENTITY! MORE ENTITY! A RESOUNDING CRY FROM ME FOR MORE OF THE ENTITY!

  18. Cyanide says:

    Hey! I started the last post thing…

    Weasels…

    Last Post! WOO!

  19. Anonymous says:

    What a foul edition of CARS. What with all the “beeotches” and “shit” and all. This is not a family-friendly geek site. No sir, not one bit.

  20. Brother Mugga says:

    Amen July 10, 2004.

    Isn’t it GREAT!

    It’s like going on one of those ‘no-kids n’ noise’ SAGA holidays for octogenarian beigopaths . . . and finding it full of silver-haired Korn fanatics!

    CARS: the Mother of all Beeotching web-sites…

  21. Anonymous says:

    Ahm, guys, do ya all pretend to know what CAHD is, or do ya pretend not to know what it is and not beeing interrested in finding out what it is, or do ya pretend to actually know what it is and not to be willing to share your knowledge with us who pretend not to know what it is, or do ya simply not know what CAHD pretends it was, and, before anyone pretends to ask, yes, I`m having a baby , but no way I`m gonna call it “CAHD”.

  22. Jasn (Yasn) says:

    CAHD = “Crazy Apple Help Desk”

    And now you know.

  23. Anonymous says:

    …And knowing is half the battle.

    Unless you have to know, tell someone else, then act. In which case, knowing is only 1/3 of the battle.

    Or, if you have to know, tell someone else, vote on it, then act, which makes knowing only 1/4. And so on…

  24. The Bostonian says:

    CAHD is how we pronounce cod.

  25. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    Magnanimous Wang, Cthulhu couldn’t find his own ass with both hands, all his tenticles, a map, a flashlight, a GPS navigation system and a certified team of Sherpas.

    The *real* powerful Old Gods consider him a twit and a media whore. He’s the Jessica Simpson of the whole dark pantheon.

  26. Huck says:

    Ooooooooooooooooh! BURN!

  27. CTHULHU says:

    CITIZEN OF TRANTOR (IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME),

    YOG-SOTHOTH AND I WILL BE OVER FOR A VISIT SOON. IF YOU’RE REAL LUCKY, WE’LL BRING HASTUR ALONG.

    OLD GODS INDEED! THESE ARE THE ‘STRANGE EONS’ TO WHICH THE RHYME REFERS…THESE AND NO OTHERS. REMEMBER THAT!

    GOTTA RUN, I’VE GOT GLAARKU WASHING THE CAR AND IF YOU DON’T WATCH HIM EVERY MINUTE, HE SCREWS UP SOMETHING HORRIFIC (BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HORROR). WHAT A WANKER!

    FEAR!

  28. Professor William Dyer says:

    I find myself compelled to speak, and warn others of the dangers of lightly referring to the names of the Old Ones.

    Anyone who uses such a pseudonym clearly has no appreciation for the Elder Gods and what they can do. I can only speculate as to whether the above poster will be subject to more soul-raveling torture for impersonating the mentioned denizen of R’lyeh or for intimating that such a being would deign to frequent the likes of the CARS comments board.

    Believe me, some of the things I’ve seen… please stop, for your own sake if nothing else.

  29. Huh? says:

    Mmmmm… Sherpas…

  30. Anonymous says:

    taste like children

  31. GLAARKU says:

    GLAARKU DOES NOT MESS UP THE CAR! IF I WAS THROWN A GOOD CAR WASH DETERGENT TO WORK WITH THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER STORY TO TELL…(GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, sloshing sounds of green slime being layered over the vehicle)

  32. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    Oddly, “Citizen Of Trantor” *is* my real name.

    Parents were big Asimov fans, don’t ya know…

  33. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    Dear Professor William Dyer,

    I have the Old Ones around every Friday for poker, thick evil ales from the black heart of Germany and then we make fun of Stargate SG-1 if it’s a new one.

    I’ll be sure to mention your name right after I win a big hand.

  34. Kow says:

    I think Buffy dusted Glaarku, and Wolfram & Hart is covering it up…