08 Jul 04Inside The Apple Studio Presents: Glaarku!


Yes, it’s time for another in our series of fabulous interviews with Apple luminaries!

Glaarku! You know he’s inhabiting Steve Jobs’ body, but what makes this guy tick?!

Some say it’s an intestinal disorder! Let’s find out!

And, yes, we are going to beat this Glaarku thing all week long! So… get on the Glaarku train or get out of the way!


CARS: Glaarku, first of all, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with us.

GLAARKU: I AM MIGHTY.

CARS: Uhhhhhh… huh. OK. Kind of a non-sequitur, but… Anyway, let’s get inside Glaarku for a minute. What people want to know more about… Glaarku… is… eating souls. How does that work… exactly?

GLAARKU: WORK?

CARS: Yeah. I mean… how do you extract someone’s immortal soul from their body and consume it? Is there ectoplasm involved? Does it involve any equipment? Who cleans up afterward?

GLAARKU

CARS: Well?

GLAARKU: I AM GLAARKU!

CARS: Mmm. Yes. And it seems you are also evading the question.

GLAARKU: GLAARKU EVADES NOTHING! GLAARKU IS ALL-POWERFUL! I DO NOT FEAR! I AM FEAR ITSELF!

CARS: I see. So… you’re saying… if I may paraphrase… you just don’t know how you actually go about eating souls.

GLAARKU: UM… NO. NOT SPECIFICALLY. A MINION MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED IT TOO ME ONCE BUT IT’S KIND OF COMPLICATED AND… UM… I WAS WATCHING TRADING SPACES AT THE TIME SO I WASN’T REALLY PAYING ATTENTION…

CARS: OK, well, you could have just said that. It would have saved us some time.

GLAARKU: WELL… IT JUST… YOU KNOW… YOU MIGHT NOT GUESS IT BUT I’M KIND OF A PRIVATE PERSON. PLUS, IT JUST DOESN’T LOOK GOOD. I SHOULD KNOW THAT.

CARS: Let’s just move on, shall we? More about you… Glaarku. So. Tell me. What gets Glaarku up in the morning?

GLAARKU: MMM. WELL, IT USED TO BE ALL ABOUT DEVOURING SOULS. YOU KNOW… WHEN AM I GOING TO GET MY NEXT SOUL… GOTTA GET ME SOME SOULS… OOOH, SHE’S REALLY HOT, I’D LIKE TO EAT HER SOUL… BUT NOW THAT I’M INHABITING STEVE JOBS, I’M THRILLED TO BE CONTRIBUTING TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE DIGITAL LIFESTYLE. THE MAC AND OS X AND THE IPOD AND ITUNES TRULY REPRESENT A WAVE OF INNOVATION THAT’S MADE ITS WAY INTO PEOPLES’ LIVES LIKE FEW OTHERS BEFORE IT. I’M EXCITED TO BE A PART OF THIS. IT’S REALLY TURNED MY LIFE AROUND.

CARS: Huh. Really?

GLAARKU: UM… NO. ACTUALLY, IT’S STILL ABOUT EATING SOULS. I HAVE… A PROBLEM. I’M ADDICTED TO SOULS. I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF! THEY’RE SO GOOD! YOU’RE ALL LIKE FLESHY, SOUL-FILLED PIÑATAS JUST WALKING AROUND! OH, MY GOD, YOU ALL LOOK SO GOOD I COULD JUST EAT YOU RIGHT UP! LITERALLY!

CARS: That was enlightening. I really felt you open up there.

GLAARKU: THANKS. THAT FELT GOOD.

CARS: Now it’s time for the lightning round!

GLAARKU: UH-OH!

CARS: I’ll say a word and you say whatever comes into your mind! Ready?

GLAARKU: YES!

CARS: Pancreas.

GLAARKU: APPETIZER!

CARS: Lesbian.

GLAARKU: ACTION!

CARS: Ha-ha! I guess demon gods put their pants on one leg at a time, too!

GLAARKU: CONTINUE!

CARS: Sorry. Uh… spigot!

GLAARKU: ANTIETAM!

CARS: Huh! Wow. OK. Uh… baloney!

GLAARKU: SUPPOSITORY!

CARS: Uhhh…. huh.

GLAARKU: THAT… WAS A FRATERNITY PRANK. I… DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

CARS: It’s just as well as that’s all the time we have today. I want to thank our guest, Glaarku, for being on Inside The Apple Studio.

GLAARKU: MY PLEASURE.

CARS: Please join us next week when our guest will be Phil Schiller’s pool guy!

CARS: That was great.

GLAARKU: Oh, good!

CARS: Absolutely. Much better than Andy Ihnatko. So… tell me… what’s Steve really like?

GLAARKU: Well… kind of like chicken, actually.

No Responses to “Inside The Apple Studio Presents: Glaarku!”

  1. Thotiel says:

    first post!

  2. Thotiel says:

    So do souls count as grains, fruits or vegetables, what with Stevo’s vegetarianism thingy going on and stuff?

  3. miles says:

    You can’t have them on the Atkins diet, that’s for sure.

    (third!!!)

  4. WhoDat says:

    Thanks guys… baloney suppository… sheesh, like I really needed to remember that experience again…

  5. Anonymous says:

    He seems like a pretty nice guy.

  6. hazelphoenix says:

    Somebody let me know when CARS is funny again. This Glaarku stuff is boring me.

    I guess that’s because I just this week watched Bubba Ho-Tep, not that’s a funny soul-sucking monster movie!

    http://www.bubbahotep.com/

  7. Huck says:

    Glaarku rocks, yo. The only part I had a problem with was at the beginning where Glaarku’s all “I AM MIGHTY.” And then CARS acts like that was a weird and stupid thing for him to do. They go “Uhhhhhh… huh.”

    See, that’s not surprising. If Glaarku is as crazy badass as it seems that he’s supposed to be, he will naturally ignore questions at random and declare something about himself. I mean, I’m amazed he didn’t declare his mightiness more often than he did. I’m amazed he didn’t just repeat “mighty mighty mighty” ad nauseum a la badgerbadgerbadger.com.

    Also you used “too” when you should have used “to” and you used “lightening” when you should have used “lightning.” Someone needs a stern spanking.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Steve is kind of like chicken? I’m betting he’s more like tofu.

  9. Tristrami says:

    Glaarku? Is this a relative of Ugluk? Look guys, the letters U, G, L, and K in a different amusing combination! And when it speaks, it’s ALL IN CAPS. Ha ha.

    Looks like Moltz is phoning it in again this week…

  10. b-man says:

    For the 5000th time: It’s not “lightening,” it’s “lightning!”

  11. Anonymous says:

    Is there a Glaarkuna?

  12. Fermat says:

    I don’t really know how this Mac rumor site stuff works.

    Can we vote a plot device off the island or something?

  13. hairy&woooley says:

    Well I thought the interview went well.. The CARS team is still alive and.. um.. not too sick.

    I’m a bit dissapointed there was no devouring..

  14. me says:

    I wanna see GLAARKU and ugluk throw down UFC style. My money is on ugluk. Who’s with me?

  15. Pan Fried says:

    You’re beatin’ a dead horse (Glaarku?) here. Please, move on!

  16. Okay…I was going along quietly with this lame Glaarku stuff…I mean really, it’s so MacOSRumors.com, you know. But then you had to trash my man Andy I.

    Dude that’s just begging for a plague of Newtons to fall upon you.

  17. avi says:

    I thought GLAARKU was rather nice–reminded me of my eighth grade science teacher, Ed Glaarku, Ph.D.

  18. CTHULHU says:

    GLAARKU KNOWS NOT HOW SOULS ARE EXTRACTED??! WHAT A WANKER!

    EVERY DEMON-GOD KNOWS FULL WELL IT INVOLVES TENTACLES…LOTS OF THEM!

    AND BEFORE IT IS FORGOTTEN YET AGAIN, FEAR ME!!!

  19. Huck says:

    Jeez what’s the big deal? There’s gonna be one more day of Glaarkurama and then they’ll move on. I personally think Glaarku is totally tits and will be sad to see him leave. Though, me’s suggestion of a match between Glaarku and Ugluk would be very cool.

  20. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    Best final line ever. 🙂

    Obvious in hindsight, but well timed, if static text on a screen can be consiered to be timed. Or not. Maybe.

    As for low carb souls, try Mormons.

  21. me says:

    Huck’s with me, who else? I’ve got a Dev. Preview of Tiger* i’ll wager on Ugluk the fantabulous & his dreaded pancreaspliers of doom. (for those of you that didn’t know, the soul is located in the pancreas)

    *Not guaranteed against Kernel panics at boot

  22. MacStansbury says:

    I’m sure some enterprising soul is working right now on a new, improved version of the badger song, to include all the hilarity that a soul-sucking former Comcast employee can bring.

    Yes, Glaarku was a former employee of Comcast. I said it! Comcast!

    Oh, and be sure to catch the latest in badger-y goodness:

    http://www.footballbadgers.com/

  23. *yawn*

    I move that CARS moves on to something funny; surely there’s lots of fodder in the new iMac rumours.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Last comment. HAH!