30 Jul 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, the Help Desk helps you deal with the pain that is deep inside you and never seems to go away.

Until September, anyway.

Q: You can’t stop posting every day! What’s wrong?! Was it something we did? Don’t you love us anymore?

A: Oh, honey, it’s not like that. Of course we love you. Well, Daddy loves you. Mommy… mmm, not so much. You see Mommy – apparently – loves sex with strangers more than she loves you. And sometimes Mommies and Daddies don’t like the same things. I’m not talking about sex with strangers. Daddy loves that, too (but not as much as he loves you!). No, I’m talking about rye bread. I just… can’t live with a woman who loves rye bread. Maybe it’s petty of me, but… I just didn’t know she was into… the rye lifestyle.

What was the question again?

Q: Whaaaa!!! It’s not fair! You said you’d be with us forever! You’re a liar! A big fat, stupid liar!

A: Well, I’ll be with you some of the days. And on the other days you’ll go to Mommy’s.

Q: Well, why do the other kids call Mommy a slut?

A: Oh, “slut” is a very, very bad word! Not at all inaccurate in the case of your mother, but still very bad! You should use “hose queen.”

Q: Oh. What about “slag”? Some of the kids said “slag.”

A: “Slag” is good. Or just “tramp.” It’s kind of traditional. “Tramp.” But I don’t want to hear you saying the word “slut”! Save that for weekends with Mommy. Here, let me show you how to spell it…

Q: Well, that’s it! If you’re not going to write every day in August I’m gonna… I’m gonna… I’m gonna hold my breath until I turn blue! And then I’m just going to run away and never see you anymore! I’m going to go far, far away from this stupid place and you, because you’re stupid! And I’m going to find a puppy and a magical pony and the three of us are going to be the bestest friends ever!

A: Ha! Yeah, good luck with that!

Q: OK… well… well… maybe I’ll just read some other rumor site! Then you’d learn! That’d learn you real good!

A: Go on! Go on to your so-called “other rumor sites”! You’ll never have it as good as you’ve got it here, baby! You’ll come crawling back! Crawling back to papa! And then you’ll say “Oooh, give it to me like you used to give it to me, big daddy! Oooh, yeah, give me those rumors nice and dirty! Give them to me…”

Q: Wait… wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re either getting into a weird area or you’ve just screwed it up. I’m supposed to be your kid.

A: Oooh… I get it now! So, that’s what the whole Mommy and Daddy thing was all about. See, I thought… Well… never mind.

Q: Say, what does any of this have to do with Apple rumors anyway?

A: Oh, well, on a metaphysical level, you could look at the rupture of the Daddy/Mommy relationship as the…

Q: I think you mean metaphorical…

A: … That’s what I said… …as the relationship between Apple and Microsoft. Or IBM. Or maybe Motorola.

Q: So… this really has nothing to do with Apple rumors.

A: Mmm… no.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Del says:

    I like the iFlame it is pretty

  2. HikerCA says:

    FIRST POST, yet again, and you know what, I never get tired of it!

  3. HikerCA says:

    drat, foiled by my ego

  4. Anonymous says:

    I want a pony.

  5. Del says:


    Just remember during the CARS vacation to come to the MegaPost. http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-comments.cgi?entry_id=230

    We are going to be giving seminars until the CARS staff returns to a normal posting schedule. Here is the schedule for next week. All times are subject to change.


    *8 am – 12 pm Del will be giving iFlame Safety classes

    *12 pm- 2 pm Open bar for lunch and lots of heavy drinking.

    (Alcohol courtesy of Huck and his hmPods)

    *2 pm – 3 pm Use your iFlame to help remove the Mariachi varmints that are inhabiting the MegaPost.

    *3 pm – 4 pm The “Fire your iFlame at anything that moves” contest.

    *4 pm – 5 pm Treatment of burns received during the day and the rebuilding of the MegaPost.


    *8 am – 10 am The art of Haiku. Co taught by Huck and Cai

    *10 am – 12 pm Stream of consciousness writing taught by Cai

    *12 pm – 2 pm Drinking contest MC’d by Bill

    *2 pm – 5 pm The Real Men Can Wear MiniSkirts panel chaired by John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith. (MiniSkirts will be provided).


    *8 am – 9 am What’s really in the box with the warning sign and the finger sized hole in the side.

    *9 am – 11 am The lets kill whatever is in the box with the warning sign and finger sized hole in the side or at least teach it a lesson.

    *11 am – 12 pm The “Who can lure the most people to the MegaPost” contest.

    *12 pm – 2 pm Lets get the suckers we tricked into the MegaPost drunk so they never leave.

    *2 pm – 5 pm Dance marathon lead by Bill and Cai.


    *8 am – 10 am Cheez Whiz eating contest

    *10 am – 12 pm Martial arts demonstration by our own Lesbian Midget Ninja Sexbots.

    *12 pm – 3 pm Lets kick the nutsacks of all the spammers. Kicking technique will be taught by Huck and Cai.

    *3 pm – 5 pm How to make a Mac SExbot out of a Mac SE. Parts provided by Thomas.


    *8 am – 11 am Lets find out where Bellidancer is taking her vacation and force her to write more Haiku and Limericks for the MegaPost.

    *11 am – 12 pm The dressing of wounds for those who Bellidancer kicked the ass of for disturbing her vacation.

    *12 pm – 1 pm Lunch and of course heavy drinking

    *1 pm – 2 pm Turn out the lights and catch the greased grue. Anyone who catches the grue (and lives) gets a free wireless keyboard.

    *2 pm – 4 pm How to turn old Apple Boxes into your state of the art luxury Home. Class taught by Chad Studley who is currently building his new luxury home under an I-5 overpass.

    *4 pm – 5 pm Cai teaches the art of internet sound effects.

    You are welcome outside of seminar hours. Please feel free to join us.

  6. Glenda the good witch of the South says:

    and not only a pony, but a magical pony! And remember, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…..unless it’s your new digs, then there’s no place like one that already has your stuff unpacked, there’s no place like one that already has your stuff unpacked….

  7. bear says:

    Can I bring my Clausen’s Pickle Relish???????

  8. john kerry says:

    damn you Bush, I got three frickin’ purple hearts.

  9. john kerry says:

    DAMN YOU!!!!!!!

  10. MacStansbury says:

    oh, just once with the 11th post. Crap.

    why, God? why?

  11. John and Jack are the same guy and he has a multiple personality disorder. The Jack persona is already gone and the John persona is fading away. Pretty the Thor and Chad personalities will take over. Mark my words, I will~@#@#%$~##!%$$$%^$&^%&$^H^H


  12. pran says:

    what’s the moms # ??

  13. Adam Jackson says:

    well we wil miss you john, like usual come to my site, http://mypersonalgetaway.com it is always a party

  14. bear says:

    If Glenda is the Good Witch of the South, how come she doesn’t say “y’all”?

    Is her name really Bubba?????

  15. Cai says:



    we gots the site to ourselfs…..methinks it maybe time, possibly for some kinf of MegaPost coup or something….

    or at least a plan……

    maybe after lunch with the lesbians and sexbots….


  16. bear says:

    Is Glenda a sexbot?

  17. Anonymous says:

    Hands down, best friday edition ever. And when I say hands down, I mean it. I’m typing with my toes right now. mmmm, cheeze…

  18. UhhhDude says:

    Hey John! Who’s your daddy? Say my name!

    (Dammit, who spiked the punch? I hate when those outbursts creep up on me like that.)

    Sorry, I’m just a little down. I just found out today that I”M the one Willis was talking about all these years….

  19. Del says:

    Sorry I spiked the punch. I just used little spikes. Not the big railroad ones.

  20. Cai says:

    Remember kids, just coz Mr.Moltzy doesnt care about you, doesnt mean the Megapost doesnt…..

    we love you all!


  21. cigarettes says:

    nice site i really like your writings

  22. john kerry says:

    i have three purple hearts….. and cheese dip with nachos

  23. @Moltz says:

    Is that you Steve?

  24. pran says:

    man !!! the best news ever to mess with- steve jobs operaton , and cars is on vaca !!!

  25. Steve says:

    Dear Friends;

    I have some personal news that I need to share with you, and I wanted you to hear it directly from me. This weekend I underwent a successful surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from my pancreas. I had a very rare form of pancreatic cancer called an islet cell neuroendocrine tumor, which represents about 1% of the total cases of pancreatic cancer diagnosed each year, and can be cured by surgical removal if diagnosed in time (mine was). I will not require any chemotherapy or radiation treatments.

    The far more common form of pancreatic cancer is called adenocarcinoma, which is currently not curable and usually carries a life expectancy of around one year after diagnosis. I mention this because when one hears “pancreatic cancer” (or Googles it), one immediately encounters this far more common and deadly form, which, thank god, is not what I had.

    I will be recuperating during the month of August, and expect to return to work in September. While I’m out, I’ve asked Tim Cook to be responsible for Apple’s day to day operations, so we shouldn’t miss a beat. I’m sure I’ll be calling some of you way too much in August, and I look forward to seeing you in September.


    PS: I’m sending this from my hospital bed using my 17-inch PowerBook and an Airport Express.

  26. John Moltz says:

    Yeah, because cancer is SO FUNNY.






  27. Huh? says:

    Hey, could somebody call the crew from the Mega-Post? Looks like we might have a fun game of Kick-The-Spammer™ starting up here!

  28. bigone says:

    He winds up…

    It’s going…




    There, four nutkicks from the MegaPost crew, straight to you, and remember the MegaPost is always open, and if you come soon you might get to join in the holy nutkicking religion. But you have to hurry…